Hi everyone! I'm 4 days sober coming back from a month long relapse out of a treatment center and it's been one of the most eye opening and life changing experiences I've ever had. It was my 3rd time in treatment and this is my 6th relapse while in the program. When I got out of treatment my boyfriend of 5 years who has stood by my side through everything, all the pain the heart ache and the worry I've caused him. He's witnessed my self harm first hand, and still loves me although when I look at myself I see a monster who destroys everything I touch. About 4 days ago my mother found a bag full of Percocet, Vicodin,Valium,Xanax, and pretty much any prescription opiate you could imagine, in my back back along with a pipe I was using to smoke some of the pills with. I went to the hospital and spent 27 hours answering questions and getting my vitals taken every our. Not even being able to take a shit without someonewatching me. My spouse had work early the next morning and when I got out of the hospital didn't finish his gig until 1 am. I deeply need his support through this time in my life but things have changed since he found out that I was addicted to opiates and not just marijuana. He looks at me like I'm a stranger, he doesn't want to kiss, he doesn't want to talk. I keep bursting out in tears realizing he is in pain that I kept my addiction from him, and he told me he loves me and would never leave me, but to see his beautiful eyes filled with such pain and disappointment because of me makes me want to destroy myself. It makes me want to rip myself apart and just rip everything apart because I caused him and so many others including myself so much pain. But he cannot see this pain, he can't feel what I'm feeling because he doesn't understand. I spend hours sobbing and trying to hold him close to me apologizing for all that I've kept from him and saying how much he means to me. I ask him what I can do to make things okay between us again and he turns to me with this blank emotionless face and says you act like there's a magic potion to make this all go away. And sadly I know there's not. If anyone has any experience like this with their spouse I would greatly appreciate if you could comment on this thread or reach out to me via email which I will include below. The guilt I carry for the pain I've caused breaks my heart each moment it goes unsolved. All I want to do is make him happy, and help him understand how much I really do love him and how much I regret and wish to take back the nodding out on the couch and the having to shake me awake from the ground. Please reach out with any advice. I've been doing my best to take care of myself, taking my meds, showering and getting ready each day. But how do I also take care of those I have injured in the path of my destruction. Sincerely and most gratefully, Mackenzie J. My email is mecenzijones@yahoo.com is anyone wants to personally reach out and give some advice or just some support. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Namastè
Destroying lives is what we do. Many relapses and nothing changing is probably what he sees. Same promises of you will do better, are so sorry. Means nothing after a while. Addicts are liars to the core. No secret. It is what we do.
All this drama in your post sounds like BS. You use because you like to. It hurts those in your life. You know that. So back up your words. No more promises. It is time to act.
Actions speak very loud.
People are told that addicts have to quit for themselves, not a loved one. It sounds like you are trying to quit for him. He knows that will fail. You quit for you. And usually when not thinking about a relationship.
First thing. What you have been doing is not working. Are you following a 12 step program? Doing it by the book? Willing to go to ant lengths to be clean and sober? If you are willing it is rare to fail.
I would say to find an NA group and a sponsor now.
Second thing. Get rid of the word relapse. Addicts don't relapse, cancer patients relapse. They have a disease comes back on them unwillingly. We do it ourselves. Own it. You did it. Do not touch it. That simple.
Find a group and be honest, and own your addiction. It will work. Make a stand a save your own life... No relationship drama, no lies, just own it and do it.
You have a life worth saving. It is time to be your own best friend.
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
That was written by the co founder of AA...Page 8 of the Big Book. Sound familiar? I know it did to me. Just replace alcohol with drugs. There may not be a magic potion to get you out of this...But there is a proven program of recovery that works...If you put in the effort and are willing to do it.
I agree with what Sober Strummer said...Straight to the point.
I just have one question for you...
What lengths are you willing to go to to have a new life?
We all get here with wreckage. It's what gets us here. Plain and simple. No one gets here on a winning streak. We all have relationships that need mending. The problem is, most of us try to mend the relationships with others prior to mending the one with ourselves. That's my story. Doesn't work. Like Sober Strummer mentioned, people around us get tried of hearing us talk. Talk of quitting for good etc.... The problem is we suffer from a diesase- a Spiritual Malady that only a Spiritual Awakening can arrest, one day at a time. In order to have that Spiritual Awakening, we need to take action. The Awakening is 12 Steps away.
My personal experience, after getting beat down by alcohol and not being able to stay sober under my own devices, I surrender to the 12 Step Program. I listened and did what I was told. I focused on me and my life. I started to change and people could see the change. I didn't have to tell them. I mended my relationship with God, or better yet acquired a relationship with God. One I didn't have. I mended the relationship with myself. I actually started to like myself. Then I was ready to mend relationships with others.
My Sponsor told me early on, stay sober and work the 12 Step Program and even you can't screw this up. God has a plan. Stop fighting it and start enjoying it. Put God first, you second and everyone comes after. When you do that, things will just fall into place. You know what? He was right! and I'm grateful he was right!
Lolitabonita,
(love your id name, by the way...)
Congratulations on staying 4 days sober--that's great! When I was drinking, and for awhile when I first was sober, I couldn't stand looking in the mirror. I felt the same way you did. I don't think that was all bad, as I needed to realize that it wasn't that I hated myself totally (like I thought it was at first..) it was that I didn't like my drinking and the results of it. I had to see that in order for me to want to change. We cannot avoid "mirrors" forever. It sounds like you had someone who believed in you and trusted that you would be able to change. I wanted to change, too. I thought I could do that by quitting drinking and staying sober. I was convinced I could do it by myself. Several failed attempts at that kind of "thinking" and many many bottles, cans, glasses of alcohol later which led to my life getting more and more screwed up, I finally admitted to myself that there was no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I could quit on my own. I got into AA, and have the mentality now that I am willing to do "whatever it takes" to stay sober and not be another fatality as a result of this disease. I want to find out what behaviors, thinking process, past experiences, etc. cause me to want to drink. That's what AA is doing for me, that's what N.A. will do for you. Until you go through a program, although you may quit temporarily without one, you are more likely to start using again. After just a few months in the program, my life has changed so much. Family members are re-entering my life and I have developed friendships in AA and on this board which make me feel loved and cared about--something which I haven't felt in a long time. My faith in a Higher Power is gradually being restored. I had lost all my faith before I got sober.
An addiction to chemicals of any kind changes the way we are truly meant to be and they harm not only us but the people in our lives who love us. You quoted....
"but to see his beautiful eyes filled with such pain and disappointment because of me makes me want to destroy myself. It makes me want to rip myself apart and just rip everything apart because I caused him and so many others including myself so much pain."
You are already destroying yourself. You are already ripping yourself apart and others apart by your addiction. And you are right about there being no "magic pill" to make everything better. The pills are going to be your demise if you are not totally willing to accept the fact that you have a huge problem with them and want to change your life NOW and do something about it rather than beating yourself up for your past mistakes. I found that I was wallowing in so much self pity for so long over my drinking. That served no other purpose other than giving me another reason to drink--to try and block out all that crap I was doing to myself and others. It was a vicious cycle, which had I stayed in would have killed me. If you are really serious about changing your life, only you can do that.
I can now look in a "mirror" without feeling hatred toward myself. You will again be able to look at yourself and instead of feeling so much pain which you are now experiencing, you will develop trust in yourself and begin to like what you see.
(((((hugs))))))
What I have to say has already been said (above) ... I concur with the previous posts ... get clean for yourself 1st and then maybe you can salvage the rest of your life ... you'll only get out of life what you put into it ... and drugs only lead to misery and early death ... this isn't some game we play ... it's 'life or death' ... it's that simple ...
God be with you,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Macenzi, I'm Mike D. and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I was in the exact same situation 25 years ago, and darn near died, but I've been clean and sober since 1988. I only tell you that so you'll know that people do recover and get completely well and have amazingly happy lives. As you'll soon find out, there are lots of people on this MIP board who have been sober for many many years and live happily. They are awesome folks and all of them are eager to help you as am I. You'll find out you have many good friends here. You don't have to continue as you are. There is a new life waiting for you. There is an solution to this. Sounds like you might be ready for it. We promise you that it'll work, if you're ready to work it. Blessings, Mike D.
-- Edited by Mike D on Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 08:09:18 PM
I never felt the guilt and shame at all until I got sober and was sober for a while working the program...the intensity of those two feeling drove me deeper into recovery as I had come to understand how my victims felt as a result of how I lived within the disease of addiction. The depression was the deepest depression I had ever experience and in hindsight the strongest determination to change my life. You're powerless period...over the disease and over the consequences of the disease. Your fiance gets to have his own perceptions and attitudes of where he is at in this thing called chemical addiction. He gets to entertain his own thoughts and feelings and make plans of what to do about it for him. If you were in his shoes what would you do...be honest...He's been addicted to you as you have been addicted to your drugs. He has become complacent with the fact that loving you hurts and hoping doesn't work. Relapses are real...to you and to him why ask him what is it that you can do to make things right when you already knew the question is irrelevant in the face of a drink or drug. This drove my victims crazy and they hated that condition worse than I did because they did not have the anesthesia of alcohol that I had to block out reality.
I'll bet that he has accepted your addiction on a level you have not reached yet because you have been under the influence and he has not. You have nothing to prove to him...he's done or very well close to it. Go get your self clean and sober and find out who he really is. If you want to give him a gift...give him the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups or NARANON in your area and get out of his way...turn him over...let go and let God.
Keep coming back here looking for help for yourself. This is a progressive disease and we either get sober or go crazy and die. Sound to me you have good experience on the crazy part. I hope and pray you make it.
Just finished a great book called the Interventionist and your post reminded me so much of it...Joanni Gammel...same story mostly and she's got longer time now. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you so much for your words of kindness, I have a sponsor and I am beginning to work the steps over again in the AA fellowship as I said before this isn't my first rodeo. Thank you for having compassion and empathy for me. It was deeply inspirational and reminds me that the most healing medicine for my disease is communication with another alcoholic/addict.
And same to you Jerry F! As I said above my fellows will save me time and time again. After reading these me and my fiancé talked and he has a deeper understanding of what I'm experiencing. He's leaving for a retreat this weekend and hopefully the distance will bring us a deeper respect and love for each other. Thank you again for your love and compassion towards me. It means a great deal to me.
That is great that you have a sponsor and you have decided to make positive changes in your life!! Please come back and post and let us know how you are doing. You will have a lot of caring people in AA which you will meet and you have a lot of people who care about you on this board as well.
((((((hugs))))))
Your spouse got sick right along with you. That's how this works. He deserves time to heal now too. If you think of it from his point of view: First it's all about you and your addiction, and now you're making it all about you and your recovery. What about him? Give him and yourself a break from the craziness of addiction, and that includes the apologies and begging and pleading. What people have said above is really the best option. Put action behind your words - or better yet, say as little as possible and just show him.
True love doesn't beg, or plead or cling or smother. If you truly want to show him how much you love him, give him the dignity of making his own choices right now, and hush that fear by filling it with work in the program or talking to your HP. You do have a HP and the whole huge recovery world that loves you and can see you through this if you let it.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
