Hi, my closest friend finally realized she needed to get sober, so she started going to AA, which I am thrilled about. However, she also slowly began not contacting me. We used to talk a few times a week, but now she's simply not shown up the last time we made plans, and hasn't returned my email, text, or phone call. I have more understanding than maybe she knows as far as AA goes, seeing as a few close relatives are not only in AA, but also NA and OA. I don't drink around her, and we've had a ton of laughs and great conversations while hanging out and watching movies and such, as I have no interest in seeing her struggle or falling off the wagon.
She used to stop contacting me when she'd start dating someone, and this feels like the same situation. I feel one of two things: I'm easy to let go of; AA is consuming her in an unhealthy way, like her exes. She won't invite me to her groups' BBQs, nor the fun stuff she does with them that we used to do together, which I assumed we could all do--her new friends from AA, as well as me.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do, since this has happened before. I don't want to let my best friend go, but it looks as though I might need to. Any insight would be great.
Actually, I don't know anyone who brings non-AA friends to AA functions. It's also rather awkward to socially mix AA and non-AA friends, as not everyone cares to be open about being in AA (there's a reason it's "anonymous").
My GUESS is that she may feel right now that she has to focus completely on her recovery. You didn't say how long she's been sober, but if it's less than a year, that would be my assumption. She might be doing step work with a sponsor and going to a lot of meetings and spending her time reinforcing her recovery.
I think it's great that you want to support her. Hopefully things will warm up again between you two once this kind of intense period is over. You might drop her a card or an email telling her you're very proud of her and that you miss her company and hope she will give you a call when she wants to get together.
If she doesn't respond at all, that would be a shame, but I doubt it has anything to do with you, personally.
For me, I had to immerse myself in a new sober life. There has been a big learning curve, I did not know how to be a non-drinking person. This meant that I spent almost all of my time with people in the fellowship. They understood what I was going through and could be of the best support. I think Lexie's advice is sound. I'm sorry that your phone calls were not returned. After some time it has been more comfortable to be around others and renew former friendships. It's a major deal to quit drinking if a person is an alcoholic. It has changed my life tremendously and only for the better. It's hard to talk about it to non-alcoholics. You could offer to go to an open meeting as support. Otherwise I would have appreciated a card or message declaring support and encouragement, and wished for patience and understanding that the line might be quiet for awhile till I was able to learn what it is to be a sober human. I sincerely hope these thoughts easy your mind.
Thank you, I appreciate your guys' input and take it to heart.
Change is hard, and you're right in that she probably needs to be absorbed by her sponsor and sober friends in order to get back to a life around those who don't understand or don't have a drinking problem. I have told her how proud I am multiple times, and she is well aware of my involvement with some of my closest family members and their progression in getting sober through rehab and AA. I know first-hand how hard it is to trust or believe people when you're vulnerable or feeling sad and scared about leaving the only life you've known behind. It's kind of like watching friends leave on their first vacation overseas or the sadness of them moving away.
Mixing friends is sometimes uncomfortable, but if you trust and love your friends and family, ostracizing them is about the crulest thing a friend, or a group, for that matter, can do. For those who's lives have changed for the better, such as yours, think about how even that much better it would be if your closest friends and/or family were able to enjoy it with you. Just trust them; the worst that can happen is you decide not to invite them again.
Anyway, thanks. I believe I will let her go now. And for what it's worth, Im very happy you both have stayed clean, and I wish you well.
Chinup, she'll come back around after she gets her feet back on the ground. Her world is pretty shook up right now and it sounds like she's trying hard to get sober. It might take 3-6 months for her to get over drinking. Think of it as if one of her loved ones died (drinking) and she is in morning over it, along with a dozen other stressful situations. Send her a card and wish her well in her journey.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 16th of August 2010 06:34:05 AM
Not showing up when you've made plans is just rude, but after 6 months in AA, I recognize that I'm spending time building my relationships within AA to the detriment of my non-sober friendships. I love my older friends, but building these relationships now is a priority for my staying sober. I suspect your friend will come back around if you give her some space to pursue what she needs to prioritize for the next few months. I'm sure she greatly appreciates your support, but there's nothing like hanging with someone who's been through what you're going through.
I second the suggestion of trying Al-Anon. It isn't at all unusual for families and friends of alcoholics to feel "left out" when it comes to their loved one's new sobriety, no matter how great it is that they are getting sober.
Since you have family members in recovery, too, you've probably been affected more than you realize just by living with the disease for so long.
Hiya chinup. It's great that your friend has taken the steps to get sober, but she also needs to stay focused and keep working to STAY sober (I'm assuming she still is?). When I got sober I had to change the people I called "friends", and remove myself from the places I used to go. Honestly, I never really got back in touch with the old friends, as we all had moved on in my life. The few friends I did reconnect with ended up not caring too much for the "new Brian". Like Lexi said, I don't know anyone who takes non AA'ers to AA events, with the exception of spouses and children. In my neck of the woods (eastern TN) it's sort of an un written rule. Not that they are not welcome at open events, it just doesn't happen. Maybe I'm a little narrow minded, but I prefer to spend my time with those in AA. They are my TRUE friends, and will go out of their way for me if the need were there.
Give her some time, and keep supporting her...she needs it. Al-anon is a great idea. They can help you understand things from a different view point. Who knows, you may find new friends there as well.
Did you drink with her before she got sober? If she's still feeling the obsession to drink, your presence could bring that out in her -- not at all your fault if you're respecting her sobriety now.
Or, it could be a pattern with her. You said she'd ditch you when she got a new boyfriend. In that case, if she's serious about her sobriety, it'll come up in her 4th step. Or not.
But ultimately, and as has been already said, early recovery is all consuming. I'll say a prayer that she finds good sponsorship and is encouraged to seek a well-rounded life (although that might take awhile). We might learn to live sober by being in the rooms and working with our sponsors, but we can't live only in the rooms. Or, IMO, we shouldn't. What's "recovered" when we have to hide from the world, lest we drink?
If her sobriety has or her drinking was taking up a lot of space in your head, or if you feel harmed by her drinking, then I'd also encourage you to find an Al-anon meeting.
So basically It sounds like I have no future with her as my best friend again.
I find it messed up that I'm the only one of all our friends who knows her sober date (May 31, after being sober for a year, she drank for about a month and then luckily stopped again very recently), yet I can't be around her anymore. Yes, I drank with her before, but we did not drink together for a year while she was sober, and it was great--just like we never drank together.
I just finally somehow got her to call me back today, but I find myself just feeling awful about her sharing everything she shared with me to other people she doesn't know. And yes, I have been to A.A. and I have been in rehab for opiates. I prefer ACA over Al-anon, but just to give it one more chance, I'll ask her if she'll come with me to a meeting. Although, she made it clear by saying "I don't have time for you anymore."
I have the same background as a lot of her friends in A.A., yet I'm not good enough to be a part of her life anymore. This is heartbreaking, but thank you for the help, anyway.
I'm sorry you're hurt, but friends do sometimes grow apart. It's a sad fact of life.
It isn't a matter of someone not being "good enough" to be a friend, it's just that life changes people. It happens in marriages, too--people who once were close drift apart.
Friend grow apart, yes. But friends don't usually suddenly stop calling all of a sudden. And, by the way, I'm sober. There's no excuse. I'm getting upset writing here, so I think I will check back in a couple of days so I can wind down.
I just finally somehow got her to call me back today, but I find myself just feeling awful about her sharing everything she shared with me to other people she doesn't know. And yes, I have been to A.A. and I have been in rehab for opiates.
....
Just curious -- do you see the reason you went to rehab as confined to your problem with opiates? I mean, do you consider yourself an addict for whom all mind/mood altering substances (including alcohol) are problematic, or do you see it as a physical dependence (not addiction in the true sense of the word) that you had to overcome? Addicts, people for whom any drug is problematic, often share character traits that are at the root of addiction (the substance being the symptom of a larger problem, which is rooted in the self).
And I ask this because what you've said above, that you feel awful about your friend sharing the same things with you that she's sharing with "other people she doesn't know," has me wondering if it's not so much that she's not seeing you now but what her priorities are right now. Do you feel hurt that her recovery is a higher priority than your friendship? Because these "people she doesn't know" are all folks who have admitted to a common problem and can understand her difficulties in a way that maybe you can't. Unless, of course, you are an addict (and identify as such), in which case your friend might be wondering why you abandoned a recovery path.
I know this is an AA board, and I know that singleness of purpose confines our discussion to alcohol, but I don't know any sober alcoholic with solid recovery who would take lightly the use of opiates, or who would consider habitual pot use (for example) as compatible with sobriety. I also know folks who are sober without any program at all, though in early recovery, when we see that everything else we've tried has failed and we embrace a program like AA, it's difficult to see those other folks as having anything but tenuous sobriety -- and hanging out with those folks when we're in a state of desperate sobriety feels a little dangerous, especially if they're maintaining that one substance, but not another, is problematic for them.
That's a whole lot of maybes, and here's one more: maybe none of this applies to your situation, but it seems in your interest to take a look at it and decide for yourself.
