OK, folks, this is going to be a major moan here, but I've gotta get it out. I apologize in advance.
I've had a wonderful day. I joined this great Forum this morning and introduced myself. You have to be the best folk that I have ever 'met'. You have all given me such a warm welcome that it has taken my breath away. Thank you for that.
My long-term boyfriend (of 15 years) and I parted eighteen months ago. This was mostly due to my drinking, but there were other serious issues that he needed to resolve (family ones). We have been very close and maintained almost daily contact throughout that period. We 'phone each other, we email, we send text messages on our mobiles and so on.
He knew that today I started work on my step 4. He knows me well enough to know that I will have put my heart and soul into it. And, I have.
He has had medical problems recently and I have been as supportive as I can from this distance. He has been concerned about his step-son ending a long-term relationship. I have been as supportive as I know how. His older brother stopped breathing following surgery and had to be resuscitated late last week. I couldn't have been more 'there' for him if I had tried. He has family issues that I have spent hours talking to him about. I have been exhausted with it.
He recently spent a month with me and wanted me to break down all extra expenses incurred with his visit as I put everything on my credit card.
He just emailed me to say that he found it very sad that I had gone into such detail. It was said in a very cold and brutal way. I just feel so damned hurt and upset. I can't stop crying.
What hurts is that he knows how much he will have hurt me, yet he still did it. I guess that feeling of being a pink fluffy cloud wasn't meant to be for me today.
Thanks for listening.
With all best wishes,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Sorry to hear the news. Sometimes people can be mean and hurtful. Human nature I guess. One good thing about it is you can now add that to your 4th step! I too have been attempting to work on this step. Had to put it down for a bit. I'm going to a 4th step workshop on Saturday and I am actually really looking forwards to it.
The way I look at it this step is going to allow me to take the past, and turn it from this monstrous hurt on my soul and change it into a tool that can be used to learn from and to hopefully be able to help someone else by sharing how I have overcame insurmountable problems in my life. Don't know if that makes sense........
Thanks for your kind words. They meant a lot to me.
I was pretty screwed up last night and I just had to get it all out. My sponsor was out, so M.I.P. board caught it all!
I went for a long walk this morning and I feel a lot calmer and more ready to accept and face things how they are today. I did do my best yesterday and I learned from it. I learned that I didn't have to have a drink just because I was hurting. So, I guess that I have come out of it feeling stronger. And, that's no bad thing.
Today is a new day. The sun is shining. It ain't too bad. I didn't have a drink yesterday and I don't want one today. That's a good day!
With very best wishes,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Before you read this please keep in mind that I am a very skeptical person. Maybe he figured you would not do the expenses thing due to the fact that he was sick and hurting or maybe this is his way of breaking the ties (a real sucky way of doing it but none the less). You are a different person with a whole new life ahead of you - maybe he figured you are well enough and strong enough to handle this. You did mention that you have known each other for 15 years. This is not just living life without alcohol. It is living a life sober. There is a difference. I know these are maybes but from what you have posted, I feel that there is more to it. Now don't get me wrong - I am not saying this on your part but on his. If this guy wants to be a prick about the expenses (which by the way you did as he requested) then I get the impression there is more behind it. You don't need to handle his stuff when you have your own stuff to do/care about and think about. This is what I got from your post and this is just my share at this moment in time.
Later - Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
You can't be ALL THINGS to all people, or even to one person, Quetzal.
Sounds like you are kind of in a 'mothering' role with this man. One woman has enough to do to work these steps, re-mother herself, nurse herself back to health through reaching out to other alkies.... maybe it's time to re-evaluate what role you are in this man's life, and if that needs to be changed a bit?
I know I have 'caretaken' people to a point where they themselves believed they needed me far too much. Dunno if this is the case for you and this fella', but it appears that you have been there for him for a whole lot of stuff lately, and trying to work your own program, too!!! WHEW!!!!
Even if someone else is NOT an alcoholic, there are support groups out there for just about every kind of problem there is. Please don't try to take on all of someone else's stuff, Q, trust me, you will only end up feeling drained and inadequate.
I am by no means suggesting full abandonment, here. But YOU are the #1 most important person in any of your relationships and healing requires time and breathuing room. No shame whatsoever in saying, "I need a moment to myself... (day, week, etc...)" no matter what is going on. 4th steap is a darned good way to step out of cycles of guilt/shame/caretaking/bargaining and the like, and re-assess. Make sure you bounce it all off another perason who is objective, too (step 5).
Keep working hard!!! You are good and valuable no matter what you are or aren't able to do/fix/cure/handle for someone else!!
Yes, there is a lot more to it. But, we managed to have a very long 'phone chat yesterday and things have improved a fair bit. I told him how it felt from here and he listened! We do have a lot of 'stuff' to sort through, but we have agreed to give it a good go and not to try to hurt each other in the process. That's more like it.
But, today is a new day, and it's gonna be a sober one, too!
You have a good day.
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I have tried to take on all of his/our problems and I reached the point when I knew that I couldn't do it any more. At the end of the day, I have me to worry about (no wonder my hair is going grey!) and my sobriety.
But, I didn't take a drink and I do feel that I have learned from it and gained strength from it, too.
We're going to meet up soon and and have a very long chat about the future. But, we have agreed not to hurt each other and that is a super start.
Once again, thanks for what you said to me.
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
