Im scared. I try every day to stop numbing myself with alcohol or drugs, but when im sober i hold so much pain i dont want to look at it anymore. People tell me to just stop, but they dont understand how hard it really is. I try everything, i even quit my jobs as a weitress in bars because at the end of the night i would be wasted. I changed my phone number so my party friends wouldnt call me out. last week, i was driving to the mall to go shopping, because a guy that used me told me he didnt want a girlfriend. i wanted to cheer up. on my way, i picked up a bottle of wine and ended up drinking two of them that night. On monday, i went to yoga class after work ( i work with kids during the day) and then to do some cardio. I picked up a bottle again thinking im going to have one glass with my dad. well my dad didnt come home till midnight and by then the bottle was gone. i also decided to do some cocaine for no real reason, i just sat at home and watched a movie. I had to wake up at 7 am for work the next day.i live a normal life, with abnormal habits. I dont know how AA works, but i logged on here to see if i can find some support or help. is anyone out there?
Youre fear and pain..is all normal...re the stage you are at...we have been there..
AA has worked worldwide for well over 2 million of us..
There is a number in your phone directory...
You will find someone, on the other end that will be more than glad to give you contact numbers..of people who are already in the program..
They will hook up with you...and show you the way...re AA meetings..
At those meetings you will find hope...and others in recovery...that arrest this disease of alcoholism..one day at a time..through experience, and strength..and caring..and understanding..
Take the step...you wont regret it...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Hello and welcome. You are in the right place. The people on this board, and in AA in general, are a fabulous caring bunch who have been through the pain you are going through. Your story reminds me of my drinking. A normal life with abnormal habits. And the wine, always wine. How could I possibly be an alcoholic if all I drank was nice wines? Well, I am. Since entering AA my life has gotten so much better. I wish I could put it into words for you but I am at a loss. It is such a relief and life is so much easier now. I have self respect.
I agree with Phil. If you look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book the person on the other end will help you. They will likely send someone to take you to a meeting. Go! It will be the best decision you make.
I know it is scary. I was terrified. It felt like the worse thing that could be happening to me at the time. It has not turned out that way. Being a sober alcoholic is so much nicer than being a drinking alcoholic. And if you are not sure you are an alcoholic, that is great too. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. Either way, you have nothing to lose and so much to gain. I wish I could describe it better. Please do not be scared. Try to ignore the fear and do it anyway. It gets soooo much better.
If you would like, please feel free to send me a private post. I know you are afraid and probably have lots of questions. I wish you well!
I can't really add anything more than what Phil and WRB have said. Yes, it is so very scary. I was terrified at the beginning. But even scarier is not stopping. You have nothing to lose by checking things out, everything to lose if you don't. I would try a few meetings, make a few new friends. I think it's Phil that has said " if you aren't satisfied, we will promptly refund your misery". Well, something like that. I hope we see you back, Dear One, and just remember, you owe it to yourself to atleast check it out....Blessings, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
Hi I just wanted to welcome you. I too remember what it was like to try and live a normal life and doing my night time drinking. It's not easy! Please keep coming back and sharing how you are doing.
i did the SAME thing...NUMBED my pain with beer/ wine (thought i as ok, if i stayed away from the hard stuff....LOL) anyway, i doged my pain cuz i was afraid, i guess, if i ever faced it i would implode!!!! now?? i am working through EACH hurt....EACH trauma....EACH stuffed feeling.....it feels like hell, but the only way through it is THROUGH it......hang in there and keep talkin , we are listening.......peace/ rosie
It gets better, if you can stay sober one day at a time.
Things that help me:
1. Ask for help in the morning, say thanks at night 2. Go to a meeting 3. Call another alcoholic 4. Get a sponsor, work steps 5. Try to help other people and do the right thing-
Many a day I made the commitment to myself and sometimes to others that I wasn’t going to pickup a drink or a drug, but that bottle of tequila seemed to offer what I couldn’t find which was the peace in my gut, shutting up my mind and giving me the ability to just breathe. Sometimes I didn’t even have to take the drink to get that kind of relief. All I had to do was think about how at the end of the day that bottle would be in my hand and I’d be on my way to forgetting about the black pit in my stomach. Except by the end of my drinking all those feelings I was trying to escape were only made worse when I drank. The secret numbing potion didn’t work anymore so even when I drank I was left with the feelings of being restless, irritable and discontent. I thought to myself if this is all life is then I don’t want it. It didn’t matter what little tricks I played in my mind about being able to control my drinking for instance I’ll go out and/or stay home and only have a couple of drinks and I won’t end up somewhere I don’t want to be with someone I don’t want to be with and I’ll be a good mom and come home to my kids in a stable condition. The most dangerous part of the disease of alcoholism lives in my mind. My thoughts never failed to convince me that this time I would be ok when I picked up a drink or this time it truly would be different and I wouldn’t end up with my head in the porcelain potty. But like you, I ended up where I always ended up thinking to myself how did I get here one more time and waking to the guilt and horrible remorse. My will power wasn’t enough. It was finally clear to me that I had no more control over whether or not I drank than I had over whether or not the sun was going to come up. I KNEW in my gut for the first time no attempt I made would stop me, no mind games, no amount of not wanting to drink would stop me and even fear was not enough to keep me from drinking again. It was only a matter of time, as it was every time, that I WOULD drink again. That single fact led me to do what you’re doing and that is to reach out for help.
Like others have said make contact with your local AA and go to a meeting. Every one of us have had to walk through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous being afraid and nervous. The great hope that I can offer is if you grab on to us and do what we’ve done to stay sober you will never have to live this way again! People in AA opened their arms to me when I felt that every one in my life didn’t want me around, but not these people. They scooped me up and helped to learn about the disease I lived with. They didn’t judge me, but instead helped to me identify with them letting me know that I was indeed not alone in where I was and how alcohol had grabbed a hold of me and stole my life. I didn’t lose a lot on the outside, but my insides were a mangled mess and today I in no way resemble the woman who walked through those doors nor does my life for the matter. I can look the world in the eyes with confidence. My gut is not tangled in knots and I can breathe without an invisible weight on my chest that seemed to be a permanent fixture I couldn’t shake. There is so much more that I could share with you about what AA, the steps, and the fellowship have done for me, but this is getting pretty long so I’ll end with saying these words…please reach out to your local AA. Relief is only a call away. **bigs hugs** Feel free to grab me if you’d like to talk more…I’ll be here
Thank you for your reply. I guess I'm not alone in this mess. Im scared to reach out to AA in my town because I work with kids and am afraid someone will recognize me. I told my parents that I came on this website and they said to me that im not an alcoholic, that i just make stupid choices. But I know inside that I have a problem, and its not so much the drinking, my problem is what leads me to drink. I dont undeerstand why Im so unhappy and feel so unloved. Im so alone, but to see strangers reaching out trying to help me is very uplifting, and means so much to me. I am going to call AA, because if I dont i think it will be my demise. I have binged on alcohol at least once a week for a full year, and i look worn out. thank you for your help and your support. I hope i can chat with you whenever im going to slip
To all of the strangers who have reached out to me I want you to know that I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach. I was on the verge of tears. I was thinking i dont want to work today, i dont want to get up. i want to take some sleeping pills and chase them with some wine. My medicine of choice... well I decided to roll out of bed. My family ignored me, although I know they see the pain in my eyes. I came on this website thinking that maybe someone had read my posting, really in the back of my mind hoping someone had reached out. well when I saw all of your messages it brought me to tears. this is the first time anyone has adressed my condition with hope, and love. I want to thank you all for your support. I am reaching out to AA. I dont know what will happen next, but it cant get any worse than this. Thank you, hugs and kisses to you all
Just wanted to say welcome, and wanted to comment on a couple of things. you had send you might be back if you slip. And you mentioned a couple of times that we had bee great strangers.
I've been in AA for a while, and just wanted you to know dear that this Board is for daily Postings, if you want, and you have the option of staying and getting to know us.
The one MAJOR thing that stood out for me in this Great Program, after you get thru those fears of going for the first time, that every single Alcoholic goes thru, you will begin to notice the people in AA are really the opposite of strangers. Anyway to me and so many others. Alcoholism is a very isolating and lonely Disease, and we have all been thru that too. In my opinion there really are no strangers in AA, just people that we have not met yet.
I hope that you are able to get to those Meetings, you will find a world of support from so many Loving and Caring people, we all look at this Program of Recovery as a little life raft, against all that goes on in Life.
I just wanted you to know of how I experience AA. The best friends I have ever had, and the Greatest Comfort I have ever known, along with it saving my life, that was on its way out, the rewards of this Program are for any and all that just reach out for help. The hand of AA will always be there for you dear.
We get our lives restored and Life as we never ever dreamed was possible for us. i really hope you stay right here, and let us get to know you.
