Jmas--wow, 16 years sober is alot to be proud of. I have only had 6 months. So you slipped. We all have our time & our days where something just completely takes us over & throws us for a loop--looks like you just had your share of loops--one after the other. Guess what? You know what to do. You have done it for the past 16 yrs--you are one of those people who made realize I need and want to get sober. You are one of the people who have helped me for the past 6 months--seems like peanuts to 16 yrs. You didnt forget what you learned in AA--if so than you wouldnt have come here. Hell, I loved the buzzed feeling. I like the sober feeling though much better--I bet you did too. I didnt want to quit either--but you helped me do it--you helped me to be where I am today & today my life is the best it has ever been--and I really only drank for the past 6 yrs (Im 39) AA made my life better even than it was before I drank. You did it before you can do it again--you have to want it though--but you already know that. Just remember what alcohol does when it gets that hold on you--it tightens its grip & just keeps on squeezing--one drink becomes two, two becomes three & so on until its even harder to stop. Pick yourself up, shake yourself off & do what you did 16 yrs ago--there are even more resources to help you today than there was than--you have so much more power behind you now--beat it!! I know you can do it!
With 16 years, you know what you need to do. Of course you don't really want to quit right now---or ever--it's an alcoholic thing. It's been two months, the progression will continue, and you do know what is ahead of you. It's really scary to go back out not knowing if you'll make it back, but it's all about choices. It's about this 24 hours.
There's no shame in relapse, it's what many of us often do. What matters now is what you do for yourself today--get to a meeting. If you are no longer in touch with your sponsor, call her or find another one. It's okay to start over. Most importantly, I hope you just accept that you slipped, and find your way back while you still can. The fact that you came on this board tells me that it really does matter to you.
Nobody can take that 16 years away from you, so don't beat yourself up. Only you can give up this 24 hours to this disease. I hope you come back, stay in touch. You're welcome to PM me if you'd like to talk. I went back out after about 18 months, did alot of damage, but still made it back. It was worth it. Blessings, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
Although I did not have as many years as you I had some years of being sober and I went back out. To be honest I had some good times,but they all end. I was out for years thinking alcohol did nothing bad to me,but I was losing my mind. Because I knew too much about AA and Alcoholism I knew I was doing wrong and that's a big head trip to live with. Thank you for coming here and being honest,it's the first step in getting back on the road to recovery. You also helped me stay sober today and remember what it was like being out there. It's nice to "come home" again when you go back to AA.
Wow, 16 years, and now drinking, can say I REALLY feel for you. I also have 16 years, will have 17 years in 3 months, 5 days, including today, with the Help of my Higher Power, that I choose to call GOD.
You raised my curiousity, what was going on, before you bought and drank that first Drink?? Would love to know.
You talked about hating your addictions, I thought when I read that, well, you can't get a DUI, from smoking, or eating.
Were you taking your Sobriety for granted? were you going to meetings?
When you said that you had no desire to stop, is that your Disease talking?
You can take that desire to continue to keep drinking, right back to the Rooms of AA, and talk about it everyday, meetings, meetings, and then more meetings, and see if those meeting can turn that desire to keep drinking around into a Desire to Stop Drinking.
So happy you found this site. It has so many wonderful people, and there is so much genuine love and caring for all, and especially for those that are suffering with the Disease of Alcoholism.
Saying a little Prayer for you, that that Plug can go back into that bottle, just pop it back into the bottle, throw the bottle in the garbage, after emptying the bottle, thats one thing you could try, start over, today, that is only a decision away. Let all that you gained in your 16 years, act as your Army and amunition. Praying for another Miracle, you have experienced that Miracle in your life for many years, use those memories to gain control, that's my tiny little suggestion here.
This Program is a 24 hour, Daily Reprieve, and any day you choose, this can begin again in you, "it's an inside job" comes to mind. It is between you and your Higher Power. Our Sobriety is based on our Spiritual Condition, I believe that.
I personally like the feeling of being a newcomer, in this Program everyday, without drinking, for me, with my 10 years of Relapsing in this Program, hope that will remain in the Past, way more than Hope, the thought of picking up a drink, to this day, terrifies me like nothing else.
Try and go back to where you were at when you came into AA, and let that be your Guide, to the meetings, meetings, and more meetings.
Don't feel bad about starting over, we all start over everyday, thats is my conviction. Yesterday is gone, here we are in today, June 8, 2006, and tomorrow is a mystery for all of us.
Hugs to you, Pray that you can turn this around, before the Disease gets a stronger grip on you, but only you know the answer to that.
I have to make a committment everyday, that my Sobriety comes first, in EVERTHING, if I ever forget that, from what I have been told, then I can no longer keep my Sobriety.
Thank you for Posting, and so happy you are reaching out in here.
Hugs to you, Toni
Step One, "We admitted we were Powerless over Alcohol - that our lives had become unmanagable".
YOU______________ITS NOT DRINKING ITS SMOKING OR FOOD I FEEL SO TRAPED I HATE HAVING ADDICTION AND TO BE HONEST I DONT WANT TO QUITBUT KNOW I HAVE TO BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IS WAITING FOR MEPLEASE PRAY MY DESIRE TO BE SOBER COMES BACKITS HARD FOR ME TO WANT IT.
rosie________________oh i can sooooo relate.....i drank, i ate, i still fantasize.....i mean ANY ole addiction would do to make me "feel" better, NOW i am MAKING me feel all the pain and shit that messed up my life....i am no longer DODGING it w/ drink and food....hell i used to be a shopaholic...garage saleaholic ....thrift shopaholic .....food...drink....fantasy..........i traded one addiction for another till i got far enuf in the program to be able to either get rid of them or manage them.....the fantasy is still the hard one......with the food i take hoodia to repress apetite adn it is seeminly helping....but the biggest "medicine" is just working the STEPS and sharing with my SAFE others....
ok, U slipped, it is not the end of the world....that is why we are perfectly imperfect.....adn the program says to belong we must have the DESIRE the DESIRE to not drink.....there is nothing that says, "mess up and u r gone" hell noone wojld be here if that were the case.......i have messed up since i decided to get sober and work the program........with me it is not a physical addiction, but a HEAD addiction for SURE..and an addiction is an addiction...mine is in my head and emotions...........i was lucky i never passed out, i never did the "black out" thing, never got into trouble with it.. i was fortunate.....the WORST repercussion i ever got was a hangover the next day and i felt like crap till i drank water and o.j. to flush me out....
what i would do if life was "hammering me" would be to "cop a buzzz" than i would eat and go to sleep, but i did it to ESCAPE...to NUMB my pain....even tho i didn't end up with the physical (drink one and u drink till u pass out) i never did that...i would do at the MOST, maybe a pint of wine or a six of beer and i would be "buzzed" enuf to not have to face my pain....and than i would throw the crap away after that....or give it away to my neighbor........
i am an alcoholic cuz of my tendency will always be there to abuse alcohol when life is stressing me and its abuse if u "gotta cop a buzz" to deal.....its a problem.....it took me forever to realize it cuz i didnt' do the crap that some of my fellows did.....i CAN put it down after i get me a buzz, but it is abuse and it is a habit and it WAS hurting my life till i got into here....
have i messed up since recovery?????? sure!!! a wine cooler here adn there when the crap got to be too much, and what did i do???? i forgave me....i admitted it.....i worked the steps on WHAT i was running from, etc, and i just "began again".......i have the DESIRE to stop drinking.....i have the DESIRE to be sober and dealing with life WITHOUT my "stress medicine".....i have the DESIRE to work through my problems and my pain and my fear so i dont HAVE to run to a NUMBING agent to be able to "stand life".....
so dont' beat u up too badly......it hurts to slip, but FORGIVENESS is in order, as long as u have sincere desire to stop??? hey, willingness goes a hell of a long way..........
my prayers to U to get back on track....keep workin the program...it DOES work.......rosie
Well that sounds horrendous to go through. Relapse is tragic, but it can get better if you are able to turn back to meetings, I'm sure you realize that-
I feel for you ,it proves to me just how careful i need to be not to let my gaurd down against this evil disease i suffer from,i have listened to so many shares about vigilance "when youre in a meeting your alchoholism is outside doing press ups waiting on you " which i believe is so true and i need to be exercising my spirituality to keep it strong to fend off the urges and temptations that i face on a regular basis. when the thought of alchohol enters my mind i look through the first drink and see the pain and misery i put myself and my loved ones through, now there is a frightening thought. it doesnt matter how long you have been sober as i believe as we wake in the morning we all start at the same markand have the same 24 hours to cope with. i wish you well on your journey and hope you return to this fine fellowship i will spare a thought for you in my prayers . keep the faith
