Hi to Everyone,

I have been doing a lot of reading here and we have some wonderful new people,
enjoying the great undisputable Gifts of this Program. As well as all the great folks that are here, for themselves, but truthfully,I believe, more for the new Person.

And what I have personally been observing is all the bewildering and Baffling Pain so many are in.

I am thinking of them now, and choose not to bring up their names.

Took a drive after I woke up and was thinking of what this Board represents to all,
those hurting so bad, those that are currently free of pain, and feeling o.k., and some even more that just o.k.

And I was thinking about the Hope that this Board brings to all of us, just like a
little Burning Candle, a beakon of Light.

When I accidentally found this Board, I had just experience a horrible, horrible loss,
a sudden death, of such a Beloved Kitty, Annie Pie, that had been with me through it all, all 16 years of my Recovery, and when she died, suddenly, from Cancer, with no real warning, I have clear recall, of someone throwing all the Breakers, and the Lights were OFF.

Knew that I had to go on Auto-matic Pilot, Blind Faith, the emotional pain was more that I could handle, or that's how it felt, stayed in bed for 10 days, no appitite,
nore wanting to talk to anyone really, unless they were really kind. Was living in a brand new area, no friends, just friends on the other end of the telephone wires.

Would go outside, daily and water my Plants, and sit in the Sun, but i could not feel any light, even outside, in the Bright Sun, back inside, drenching my pillow, went through Thanksgiving, ugh, and was approaching the Christmas season. Wanted so badly out of this Pain, Prayed to my Higher Power, all day long, the inside of Grief,
well you would have to be there, as I know many, many, if not all of us have been there. It is dibilitating.

When I was trying to Print a copy of my AA schedule, to at least get my butt back into those meetings, I found MIP, and it was that little Light, I had been searching for, don't remember what I wrote, I could go back and look, but I don't think I want to, (smile) I just know this Board, helped me stand up, little baby steps and move forward, still acheing inside, so badly, but when I began writing, a lot, really a lot, I was reaching out like I cannot remember ever doing before. Intensely, and someone that I care a great deal about, offered to call me, So I gave this person my telephone number, and that contact made the Board so much more REAL.

That was 6 months ago, and wow, the changes in my life, I was able to get back into meetings, that I now attend 3 times a week, have made two good friends in this Program, attempted to do some 12st step work, Sponsorship, with two different woman, and before the Miracle of Recovery began in their lives, they turned away from the Program. Felt for them. One had been a Relaper, and she was so Positive,
then One day I saw her looking so Depressed, and I asked her to tell me if she wanted, what was going on, I could sense something, but she said no, she only looked like that, because she had not taken a shower before the meeting. Oh,well, I could not challenge her statement, she stopped calling and took her answering maching off. So no way to contact her. Thr other person that I agreed to Sponsor, announced to me that if I could not drive her to night time meetings, she wanted to end the relationship. O.K.

But my point, I am trying to get across, it that when we walk through tough stuff, in our lives, that little candles stays on, flickers in the winds of change, for all of us,
but that little flame does not go out.

My Prayer for today, is that for all that are in a painful place, that just staying here, writing whatever it is you need to get out, that is what this Board is for, that is my thinking.

Yes, it is more or less a Montra around here, get to a meeting, find a sponsor, work the Steps, they are the way out of the Disease of Alcoholism. That's a fact of Live.

But for those that cannot find their way to doing what all of us recommend, IT IS NOT A CONDITION OF STAYING HERE. Just hope that for those of you that start feeling uncertain, not steady on your feet yet, baffled and confused with the whole idea of not drinking, if this has been a way of life for you, for many years, we are asking something of you that sounds pretty over-whelming I would think.

Just Pray that you will keep Posting whatever it is you need to write, you might find some Comfort in the fact that they say in Alcoholics Anonymous that there are only
about 16 stories here, out of the hundreds of thousands of people in these rooms,
your story would match, pretty closely with one out of any 16 people. No one is Terminal Unique, however, when I first approach AA, I had that Terminal Uniqueness feeling so much, that it was so, so difficult to stay, even after 10 years of Relapsing, did not feel a Part of for about a year. I think that is called ISOLATION.

Wow, I sure am getting wordy, but I hope and Pray that this message i am trying to say is coming across.

That is that little candle burns, always for ALL of us, no matter where you are coming from today, this is a WE program. We stick together in this little Boat, just like people that feel certain, if they fell off that Boat, well you know the result I'm thinking so I'll leave it at that.

No one is doing Better, that anyone else, if we apply that "We" principle.

And as someone said yesterday, it's not "Just keep coming Back", its more like
Please STAY!

For some that have come in and left for a while, I want you to know that I miss you, and I am sure that we all do.

For you and me and all, there is ALWAYS HOPE. Hope only dies when we die.

A recovering Alcoholic, my name is Toni