Hello everyone,

My name is Agnes. I still have a bottle of gin which I indulged in today (after telling myself I wouldn't) after a night of throwing up from drinking since noon. 

I have gone to an outbound group setting at CAMH (here in Toronto) for a while (about a year) which did not help. I probably should have gone to either Smart Recovery meetings and/or AA/NA before this pandemic started.. I lack the necessary privacy to do video calls with people on online group meetings. 

I have overcome cocaine and weed addiction on my own (many will argue that isn't a problem, but myself among many others will agree it is...)... regardless, I am here to kick my final habit of alcohol. I have been drinking the past two years or so every other day or so at minimum.. I can definitely feel a lot of debilitation in terms of energy and brain functions. Which I find so disgruntling, but that's probably one of the reasons why I continue to do it. Because of my life circumstance at the moment. And having less cognitive functions probably helps numb myself to my current depressions. 

I never want to go on meds - for my anxiety, depression, past trauma, personality disorders, etc. 

I truly believe that there are natural remedies, actions we can take to become healthier, whole people..

I will be going back to school hopefully for the last time this year and I know that drinking is one of those things that is keeping my anxiety and depression up during whenever I went back to school... 

I just can't do this anymore. For a while now, I HAVE acknowledged my issues regarding alcohol.. I really REALLY need to stop. I've been lying to myself for far too long.

I need to stop. I have good people around me, but I isolate myself... it's a paradox - drinking, isolating to get better and not subject myself to others in the way I currently am.. and never not isolating myself really..

I need to stop. 

I am perhaps seeking out a penpal. But I'm glad to have found this board...

thank you to everyone who read this :)