If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?.......Edith Sitwell
Children accept more variety among their pets than among one another. A child, who is out of the ordinary---strinkingly tall or short, freckled, large-nosed, big-eared, eyeglassed--may be teased mercilessly during the preadolescent years, when youngsters tend to run in packs. The solitary standout is penalized for just the qualities that make her or him outstanding.
Parents need great compassion to help their children accept themselves. Some children seem not to notice teasing; others take it in stride or good-naturedly turn it back. But any, especially when their distinction is physical, feel shamed and miserable and have no way to put such thoughtless cruelty into perspective.
XXXXXXXXXX i was bulllied in school becuz of my attempt to look unattractive so as not to attract the evil i was living with......i was always very attractive, but i would wear old clothes....holes in my jeans....u know a hippy looking kid.....anything the freak hated, i wore......in school i was bullied for my having to stay distant (didn't want ANYone to know my secret) the assist. principal knew somekthing bad was going on in my home by my occasional dropped remark, the bruises on me, the exhaustion i felt all the time , tardiness, her drinking and the cops at my house all the time.....yeah, i was an outcast...and i hung with outcasts......
XXXXXXXX i did NOT accept me...i hated me going way back....i excelled in school and the kids who "dissed" me resented my ability to come in , no studying, and ace the exams....i was a wiz, in all my classes....i even "subbed" when a teacher was sick......the teachers/ administation loved me, but the other kids did not....i was "diferent" and a brain to boot....NOT a good combo when u r distant-standoffish as i was.......i just didn't want anyone "tuning into" the horror goin on in my home....i had to keep people at arms length----besides....i did not TRUST anyone....my toxic shame grew as a result of the other kids "rejection" of me.......i became more shame based......more "loner" yet needy/ STARVED for love and attention/ and some affection......i hung in a gang with other troubled kids.....and we got into trouble.....
The creation of mass markets in our society has made possible a fantastic variety of consumer goods, but it also reinforces pressures for conformity. Knowing that our children's peers are responding to pressures outside their ken, or their parents', helps us to accept and forgive their thoughtlessness. What we must do as parents is to show our children that we love them for what they are. Their difference from their peers is precious to us.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY; Knowing I am loved Strengthens me to face ignorance or ridicule. I can strengthen others with my love.---------------from "Family Feelings" Daily Meditations for Healthy Relationships by Martha Vanceburg
XXXXXXXXX i was never loved for what i WAS, but for what i could GIVE or PERFORM or SATISFY my parents needs....never my own......this makes me sad....my heart lurches at the thought how UNappreciated i was...how UNloved i was...i was an **object** a thing to use/ abuse.....it makes me sad.......god i never felt precious to ANYone.....another thing to grieve out for me.........now, i love myself...i pick people who love / accept me....and i can be "restored", but i know i must grieve the past......looking at this post, reminds me how rejected i was in school...they called me names cuz i was diferent...standing off in the distant....i did NOT fit in with these uppity people who didn't have a CLUE as to the terror i lived with day and night.....funny , one of my school mates called me re: the class reunion last year....i told her "HELL NO" and she wanted to know why.....well "anne" is a real nice gal so i told her how rejected/ verbally abused i was and she said "oh they just didn't like U cuz u were smart and u kinda looked diferent, like a hippy" and i told her the truth, about the horrible secret i has hiding, trying to be a kid by day, his sex slave at night.......
XXXXXXXXX she was horrified...felt so bad for me....and asked me if i fetl that uncomfortable about going to the re-union....and i said to her that i was not travelling 1500 miles to see kids i wanted to kill in the past....even tho they probably don't even remember how they treated me, i did....and i did not want to get with any of them cuz an off remark would trigger me and god knows how i would react.....i told her that they weren't worth my effort going back there......AND i did not want to be in the town, where my hell was happening.....too many memories.....too many triggers i am sure........she totally understood.......i just told her i had NO reason to ever go back there.............NO fond memories of home....NO fond memories of that school ( oh add to this, that i had moved to this school from a rival school, where i was IMENSLY popular---hippiness and all)........but this school??? soon as they found out i was from their foot ball rival, the crap hit the fan....add to that my declining emotional and mental state, and my looking like a height ashbury hippy, these kids did not accept me......i hated them as much as they hated me......i attacked a couple of them in retaliation .....i did not want to go there...............geez i didn't stand a chance of loving myself for SOOO long.........no wonder i am taking longer in this program................too many pieces to pick up..............
The one thing I remember about starting my Therapy for PTSD was that I really did not have a clue who the Real me was. Never forgot that. But the person that is writing this response, does know, who she is. Just one of God's Beloved Children. just like you, and all of us, together.
Have a good day Rosie,
Toni
I do believe that the 10 years of Relapse and the 7 years of gruling work that was done around PTSD, have become kind of my Rock in Sobriety. Don't know if this makes sense, but that famous song "We shall Overcome" I feel an incomprehensive joy when I think of those words, because we do Overcome, with God's Grace, and there is so so much Joy in just being alive, today. We do have Today, Rosie, Sun is out and Birds are singing, Hope that your week end plans turned out well.
It's hard for me to comprehend what you have been through. I had a rough childhood too but it seems like nothing compared to yours. I wasn't sure whether or not to reply to your post because it's hard to say anything to that. I feel for you though. Just wanted to say hi too!! I think these things that traumatize us in our lives do get easier to deal with over time as long as we see them for what they truly are and develop coping skills in the process.
Take care of yourself Rosie and have as good a day or night as possible.
