I spent my singular years in wonder of the world, wondering what was going on, what did it all mean, knowing only what was going on around me, moving around, family disruption, different schools, new faces, not knowing who I was yet feeling incredibly loving and special though confused and innocent also. I grew into my teens and felt unrest. Felt something had been and was terribly wrong. My family a mess, my peers unaccepting, yet to know my niche and wondering why home was the way it was. I spent my teens desperate. Angry and worried. Ashamed and lost. Hopeful yet yearning. 'Please help.. Please save this love of life from drowning in loss and self-pity'. That was me. I wanted to care and I didnt have the tools.
I found drink and I thought Id found the answer. An answer to my bottomless craving for love, life, friendship, care and meaning. I loved the experience. The loss of control. The disappearance of boundaries and constraints. The imagination. The loss of fear. The sudden and seeming openness to all possibilities. It was like magic juice. It opened up my insides and made me silly, carefree and reckless all at the same time. I felt like I could be whoever I wanted. Pry into whoever I wanted.. looking for me.. to be the answer for them.. So disenchanted and optimistic. That crazy combination made Me crazy and the attention-grabbing desire to be wanted, needed and loved was unleashed to my great detriment. I carried on like this for years. Putting my life on hold and waiting for it to get good all in one go. Losing myself to loves and their ambitions I hid from myself and deferred my responsibility. I hadnt the courage or confidence to live the dreams of my own and inside I was dying ~ A spiritual death.
I had moments of glory. Of courage to get out there and do the odd, daring adventure but for the most part I hung onto my company and dreamed an altar ego in a bottle. The dark and misguided in me coming out to play whenever that haze took over my head. There were moments where my truth shone through, where my ideals counted for something, where my care was genuine but the poison was seeping in, settling and before I knew it.. All that was left was selfishness. Self~centered bitterness and my death had arrived. There was only one thing for it. Only one thing I could change.. And that was.. EVERYTHING.. beginning with alcohol. The friend I thought allowed me to express myself. The friend that meant I hid and couldnt take the pressure of being a person until I let go and blew my head out with oblivion. Now is different. I learned how not to compartmentalise my many aspects. Rolling me altogether in one ball and entity of parts held together gently by my Higher Power and I turned myself over to the care of.
I met many people and heard their stories, similar to mine. I heard too how theyd given themselves away to the power of alcohol until they realised themselves that they were powerless to it as well. I heard their message and I let go of my ego. My immature and self-seeking autonomy. I let go and learned how to ask for help, helping in return. I never knew how to do this. As a child, Id wanted to save everyone. Every sad, suffering, lost soul I ever met as this was how I felt yet I had such a great love inside. What I couldnt and didnt know in my naivety was that I couldnt save anyone and it was this crushing reality that killed my heart so slowly until I couldnt even save myself.. And alcohol was a numbing of all that, I realise now.
I feel love and compassion for that child I was. I know her and what she wanted. I love her and how she tried. She wasnt enough and everything she had to give, she wanted in return. What massive ambition for such a small one. I look into childrens eyes now and I wonder what their hearts hold.. What their secrets are they dont know how to tell.. What lushful leaves on their laboring trees are turning to an old autumnal gold & grey.. The loss of innocence.. I couldnt cope with these changes.. My wishes turning to ash and I died an alcoholic death to be reborn into sobriety where I learned that our secrets keep us sick and to share my soul with those who understand knowing the same in theirs.
Suddenly, slowly.. Sharing changed my life. I got to know myself all over again. From scratch. I didnt like what I saw for much of it and for this I had to learn unconditional love. My Higher Power was born from behind a dull and cautious cloud to shine in full faith. A trust I have today that I do not have to drink. I do not have to hide. I can love and be me sharing a place in the human race. I dont have to be for everyone and everyone doesnt have to be for me. In this I can still be receptive and yet, self-protective, nurturing. Restoring and recovering a childfulness. A grace and letting go of anything not needed. Learning how to understand; how to grow. And today I dont have to be everything. I dont have to know everything. I dont have to be all powerful. There is One greater than that and all I need for today is acceptance. Acceptance to be. Just as I am. Just for Today ~ And knowing God is Good.
I thank in this daily for my life today, Danielle x
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Thursday 18th of July 2019 04:37:13 PM
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
