The following is from "Hope for Today" An Al-Anon daily meditation reader approved by World Service Conference Al-Anon Family Groups (c) 2002 Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc ---------------------------------------------
Hope for Today - April 6
I always used sarcastic humor to protect myself from the inevitable alcoholic attacks in my home. I became a master at the art of bludgeoning people with bitter words and shredding them with scorn. I thought this hid my pain and showed people they couldn't hurt me. I also used humor as a manipulative tool to get people to like me. My witty comments were carefully timed. My sense of humor wasn't spontaneous or appropriate. I used it to please people. When no one was around to please, however, I was miserable and self-loathing. In Al-Anon I learned that if I wanted serenity, I had to examine certain aspects of myself and undertake certain actions.
XXXXXX i did EXACTLY what the perp did, i not only placated the enemy, i copied him...from being sarcastic to others to self abusive words to me......i loved it when i could "cut someone down to thier socks".....i used my quick wit as a sledge hammer and got some sort of power out of it.......i look back at it with sadness, becuz that is NOT the natural me......put downs, character/soul assasinations are NOT what i want to do in life......and yeah, at parties, i was the "toast of the party" with my great jokes, and being able to make folks laugh......remember that tune by bobby goldsboro?? "see the funny little clown" ?? well that was me.....laughing on the outside but dying on the inside....noone knew the horrendous pain i was hiding....not until i got into recovery noone would really know......i too, was miserable and self loathing......all of this would come out in my step 4 work....and it would come out like a busted water pipe.....my first step 4, i cried all night long.....
To do this I used the three A's -- awareness, acceptance, and action. First, I became aware that my humor, when used as a defense weapon, is a character defect that contributes to the unmanageability of my life. Next, I accepted that my sarcastic nature wasn't my true nature after all; it was a defense I developed to survive my alcoholic environment. Lastly, I took action by asking God to remove this shortcoming and to reveal my part in allowing that to happen. Today my sense of humor is a natural reflection of who I am. I experience the world through smiles and laughter rather than through bitter smirks. I share joy with others rather than seek company for my misery. I help others heal rather than attack them. I allow my sense of humor to unfold naturally, just the way it was meant, and I watch the wonderful results as my Higher Power works through me toward a higher good. Thought for the Day Are there motives in my humor other than expressing fun? "I will realize that the wounds made by sarcasm are slow to heal, and may defer the longed-for improvement in my life." *One Day at a Time in Al-Anon*, p. 114
XXXXXXXX yes, the barometer of self care---- being AWARE of my emotion/ thought.......ACCEPTING it as my own, not denying it, but allowing it even embracing it.....than, hopefully after applying the program tools, right ACTION....action based on my program training, not runaway emotions...........i was aware of my humour hiding the emense sadness and grief in my life....
XXXXXX if i wasn't using the humour, i was raging....ANYthing to help me avoid feeling the ENORMOUS pain/ grief that was bubbling under the surface........i accepted this....it was NOT the real me but a false self i had to create in order to "keep things going" in order to survive.........i was a "human-doing" at that stage in my life, becuz i had lost my identity as a "human -BEING".......so i had to "do" i had to "have" i had to "accomplish" in order to fill that void left after i lost myself........the right action was to ask my HP to take this "effect of the abuse" away and replace it with UNconditional self love and acceptance, i made amends to the folks i harmed....instead of harming, my wish is to help....i am on a DAILY basis, finding the REAL me.....and doing away with the false me i had to create to survive..........
XXXXXX and AS i discover me i notice that i am VERY funny and that my spontanous sense of humour brings much joy and laughter and it is TOTALLY without harming another......no more jokes at the expense of another, in fact i don't want to be around that kind of behaviour.....i addressed mine....asked my God to remove it.....i made amends....i REVERSED the sick self and replaced it with a loving self....so job well done....
Alot of thought provoking stuff too.. i guess i can relate to the not being myself around others at times.. iv never put people down in a bad way but to get caught up in the jokes and the laughs and then start to think "who am i".. .. not all of it.. cos alot of it is me.. and i love to have a laugh and make others laugh. but sometims i get so carried away in what will 'work' to make a laugh i start to think.. hmm hold on this is giving false impressions of me..
Hard to explain cos im still very tired..
But im so glad you seem to be finding youself... Thats great.. and to be laughing for all the right reasons...
