As you know i find it cathartic and cleansing to post on here. Selfish I know but thats what I do.
Sometimes it is easier to write than to say face to face.
This one though, i talked with my spinsor and with my surrogate spinsor first. I'm ok.
My big brother, the eldest brother, my mate Ronnie died at 5am uk time here in scotland on sunday 17th december.
He took me for my first motorbike ride. Thats important. We argued. Politically we are at odds. We fell out. We made up. We fell out. We made up.
When i was going thro my divorce he held me up. Gave me a bed for the night more than once. We went fishing.
He helped me to not drink when i really wanted to. He forgot that i dont drink...he said its just your normality.
He came to our wedding in june this year. Wheelchair. Oxygen bottles. A pharmacy of drugs. My oldest step daughter commandeered him. Looked after him.
Her daughter insisted on having breakfast with him.....biggest smile on his face.
Last time i saw him was around october...i never rang to see if he was up for visitors....he always said no. Me and tracey drove over....its only 90 odd miles....he had, as he put it, saved up his strength to go for a drink with his old pals.
I picked him up from the pubs, a little tipsy ( he's one of those bloody social drinkers) almost out of oxygen and pissing himself laughing.
Its a bloody good memory.
3 and a half years he kicked the arse out of mesothelioma and emphysema. ...they said he wouldnt see a year but hes half yorkshire, half ayrshire and all grumpy, stubborn bugger.
My big bro....there was nothing left unsaid last time we met. I told you i loved you. I still do, you twat!
I miss you but it was your time. I'll do my best to be the best me i can be. Deal.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I'm so sorry and sad to hear this news ... losing family is the worst ... the only comfort I can add is that he's not suffering anymore ... and that your recent years had to have made him happy, if not for a while at least ... Bless you brother for staying true to yourself ... you've been an inspiration to me for a long time ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Pappy....when a grand parent or a parent dies....its the order of things....it hurts but somehow paves the way for what is to come.
This is the first of my sibling group to go. We were a warring, grumbling, fractious group of four, forever at odds with each other.....but hurt one and you hurt all and we will come together to support each other and repel boarders. Now, we are three.
My job? To be a brother, an uncle, a husband, a faither and a gumpy. To be vulnerable enough that i can be tough enough. People can and will lean on me. As I can, will and have leant on them.
You hear people say we must be strong....i say we should be strong enough to grieve, together, alone, whenever, wherever.
Again the fellowship is there. People are honest in what they say. Empathy not sympathy and sometimes tough arse kicking love.
Another day passes (in two halves) another day I havent found a valid reason to pick up the first drink. Up yours alcoholism....that the best you can do? Me and my family of brothers and sisters in the fellowship together can beat you every time. Next challenge.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations.....yeah the promises, they're not a cliche, a fantasy, a wished for, hoped for piece of bribery. They do come true in different ways at different times......like now.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
My condolences to you and your family. My younger sister passed away this past October. It still is really tough on our mother. Sometimes , things in life just suck. I grateful for the tools I have to deal with life on lifeās terms.
Just spoke with my sister in law. Funeral is jan 4th. Dress smart. My lovely sister in law will bury my big brother with his fly rod and reel and about 400 of his best flies. He'll also have a hip flask of pussers rum and a drawing done by his oldest grandson with him. A set of keys for his bike and a few quid in his pocket for petrol.
I've been asked to take a rope ( it means holding a rope so we can lower him into the ground ) and I have a list of people to contact. Thats boxing day's job....that and buying a suit.
Kathleen, my SiL, is an absolute tower of strength. She told me that when she came down to Ron on thursday his bedroom light was off and she broke down over what she feared she might find. She yold Ronnie this. On Friday afternoon he asked to call an ambulance. He later told her he knew it was near his time and he didnt want her to find him in the dark. Brave, brave, lovely, loving, cantankerous old b'stard.
I'm going to a meeting the night before. I'm going to a meeting after the funeral.
Kathleen is driving over to Dundee tomorrow to spend christmas day with her grandkids.....she dont want to but she wont spoil christmas for the little uns.
You might temember I got married in june this year. ...both my step daughters and my son in law want to go to the funeral....I'm so honoured to have a loving family around me.
Just noticed the time....its Christmas morning over here and i'm still up. Better get to my bed before the big bearded lad comes down the chimney.
Another day another dollar....and i've got my granddaughter to have breakfast with. .....just wee sophie and grumpy, together having porridge and tea before the family gets up.
Lads, I got tears in my eyes the now, and I dont care about that. It hurts cos he means so much to me. But see in the morning, I'll put that to one side and enjoy my family.
Much love to you all, have a good un and thanks for well, you know, keeping the doors open and listening.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Thank you BB for making us a part of your family ... you've got me tearing up while reading your post ... so sorry you have to experience this during the holidays ...
Stay strong brother, and thanks for bringing us along ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
