Hi, my name is Beverly and I am a hopeless and at the moment feel helpless addict/alcoholic.. I am also jobless, depressed and haunted by who Ive become. There is not a soul on this planet who 'knows' me. Ive always felt I didn't belong no matter what group I was in. I was physically and mentally abused until the age of 17 and remember praying when certain members of my family got home that they would be happy. I have always tried to make everything ok. I want so bad to be accepted and loved. SO BAD. But I have to love myself first they say and that if foreign to me. I was also sexually abused by an uncle and a babysitter. I have torn my family apart. I am empty inside. I don't know how I became who I am today. I have thoughts of suicide daily although that's something I also have failed at bc I'm a coward. I want to start my steps. I desperately need to work the steps and face my past and what is haunting me inside. I have to forgive myself but I don't know how. I have to quit using or I am going to die. There is no doubt in my mind about that. Thank you for letting me share. I am really reaching out to women.
-- Edited by rainbowroom on Thursday 29th of December 2016 06:04:08 PM
-- Edited by rainbowroom on Thursday 29th of December 2016 07:30:09 PM
-- Edited by rainbowroom on Thursday 29th of December 2016 07:31:56 PM
Welcome to this forum, Beverly. If you have the same problem with alcohol that many here have...we do know a lot about you. That's because we have similar stories. And because we have the same fears.
We have been fortunate to find recovery. You can have the same thing. You do not have to ride with death.
Welcome Beverly, ... We probably know more about you than you realize ... cause we have worn the same shoes ... we simply got tired of be'n sick 'n tired ... we reached the point that we'd do anything to get well ... thus we joined AA and did what they suggested as a program of recovery ... you can enjoy the same peace and serenity that we've come to know by following a few simple steps ... If you're 'willing', then it's time to go to a meeting and get started ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Feeling good today! Prayed the Serenity Prayer and read some literature when awaking. Now on here. Feeling positive. Thanks for the support and wisdom!
Aloha Bev and welcome to the board newbies are courageous especially when they start to tell their stories about how it was...what happened and what it is like now. I relate to some of what you have mentioned here also and I didn't quit drinking on my own...my Higher Power took it away from me one night after a meeting. My drinking partner was my wife and she was still out and I was home after a meeting and just couldn't do it any longer. I had beer in the refrigerator and just no willingness to open one...I was done so I left the kitchen and went to bed...it was over for good mostly though the disease still wants me to drink.
I have had to deal with suicidal tendencies also with one even being a toxic shock event with booze however I got a different perspective about it in recovery and it amounts to this....Suicide isn't so much about ending your life as it is about ending how you live your live. The program taught me a very different way of living my life so I consider myself a "successful suicide" Try that on for a thought force and have a happy new year (((((hugs)))))
I am just starting in the program but have been an alcoholic since I was a small kid. I was also sexually and mentally abused for most of my life. Being drunk and numb was how I coped and avoided feeling. Now I don't use and I pray and care about myself and my life is on track. Go to a meeting. Listen to them. Start getting clean, letting go of the power and let yourself heal. You deserve it!
