For the past 3 months I have been sponsoring three different women. Two of them have had slips in the past year, one has three years of sobriety. They must want something I have, and I'm willing to share it, but these ladies do not seem to be putting recovery first. They each keep some appointments we make, but at least half the time they cancel at the last minute, "forget" we had a date to work together, or simply don't show up. To be clear, I am working with them individually, not as a group. I am tired of showing up at meetings specifically to work with one of them afterwards, and she's a no-show. Yesterday I went to an early-morning meeting to begin assisting one with a fourth step, and she asked me wide-eyed after the meeting, "Are we supposed to be working together today?" She wasn't even sure she'd brought her fourth step with her; "it might be in the car...." I finally sat her down and more or less told her that if this continued I didn't think I could work with her much longer, that her sobriety didn't seem to be her first priority. Tears (hers!) appeared along with, "I just have so much stuff going on!" This morning I had run an errand early so I'd be sure to be here for another sponsee later in the morning to do third-step work. I arrived home to find a breathless message from her saying she had a fever (I'm skeptical) and couldn't make it - the message was left barely an hour before our meeting. The third woman isn't much better - after 3 months we've barely completed Step 2 due to her not calling, having non-alcoholic issues, forgetting appointments, and, I suspect, slipping. Only one of them ever calls regularly, and that's only because I strongly suggested it after her last slip.
To tell the truth, I'm ready to tell all three of them to find someone else. Maybe I have a low tolerance for this cr*p because I was so eager 18 years ago for sobriety; I called my sponsor constantly and worked the steps with her faithfully, and was so grateful for her help. I wasn't a perfect sponsee by any means, but at least I was willing. Now I'm tired of suiting up, showing up, having little reciprocation, and just plain wasting my time. This is not my first time sponsoring by any means; maybe I'm at the end of my rope having to deal with too many uncooperative recovering alcoholics recently.
Thoughts or experience with this would be appreciated. Thanks....
-- Edited by emmi331 on Tuesday 25th of October 2016 07:40:16 PM
Sounds like you have a legit complaint to me. Nobody likes having their time wasted, whether it's by a sponsee or anyone else. A few things that have worked for me:
I work with a new sponsee to go over their schedule and we find a specific day and time of the week that will definitely work for scheduling a regular one-on-one meeting. (We also establish how many evenings a week they have free to go to meetings, and I encourage them to fill up that time with a regular schedule of meetings). I explain that these regularly scheduled one-on-one meetings will be about an hour or two and the purpose of them is to allow me to help guide them through the 12 steps. We can talk about other stuff after that if both of our schedules allow us to stick around for a while.
I also explain that we are setting this schedule for a reason - so we both know exactly when and where we will be meeting together on a regular basis, every week, and we both need to make this a priority and we need to make our other plans around this commitment. I explain that if they need to cancel, they need to notify me at least one day in advance.
And something that helps avoid an opportunity for me getting a resentment - I make a point of setting up these meetings so they happen directly after an AA meeting that we will both be attending, or at my home. This way, if a sponsee does start to get flaky and unreliable and doesn't show up, it isn't a huge inconvenience, since I would have been there anyway - I'm not driving all the way across town and then finding out the sponsee is a 'no show'.
If a sponsee cancels once or twice on rare occasion, no big deal. But when it starts to become habitual, I call them on it and ask them what's up, and make it clear that they need to either stick to the schedule, or work with me to alter the schedule if there's some legit problem that can be solved by doing so, or they need to find another sponsor. Remember that if someone is not ready and willing to work with us, we need to move on and work with someone else who is.
Thank you, Dave, for such practical advice. Actually, I do have one of the ladies on a regular schedule, but she hasn't been sticking to it (she was this morning's caller, and we had already changed from her usual day to today)....I acknowledge I had to cancel one day due to travel preparation. But otherwise, it's been iffy with her. I generally meet with the other two after our home group meeting, but not on a regular schedule; I am willing to try this, and thanks for suggesting it.
When I have had to confront a sponsee about them being unreliable with our scheduled meetings, what works for me is to sit down with them, no drama or lecturing, and give them a smile that says 'yeah, you're busted', and just tell them very simply 'you know this isn't okay to miss our meetings. If there's some reason this schedule can't work, then let's fix the schedule and get back on track, but we gotta make a schedule and stick to it, all right?" That's usually all it takes. If they still can't show up reliably, then it's a just another very short meeting with another smile and tell them 'missing our appointments like this just isn't okay with me and it isn't doing you any favors if I let this go on. You gotta find another sponsor. I'll help you do that if you want". Done.
... Maybe I have a low tolerance for this cr*p because I was so eager 18 years ago for sobriety; I called my sponsor constantly and worked the steps with her faithfully, and was so grateful for her help. I wasn't a perfect sponsee by any means, but at least I was willing. Now I'm tired of suiting up, showing up, having little reciprocation, and just plain wasting my time....
You are comparing the validity of your sponsees' recovery efforts to the validity of your motivation and behaviors 18 years ago.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.
There is a lesson in holding on, and a lesson in letting go. Try both let us know how it works out for ya.
I might be wrong (and probably am) but my mind is going toward sponsorship as something I do to ensure my sobriety. I can't make anyone get sober, but I can share my experiences. I don't have the reference handy but doesn't the BB say something like 'nothing will give immunity against drinking than intensive work with another alcoholic'?
You're exactly right Troy ... but I think it's 'better' than intensive work with another alcoholic'??? ... I'm not totally sure 'bout that either ... LOL ... the quote origin that is ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
When I originally posted, I was still raw from my sponsees' lack of willingness, and was pretty upset. This seems to have triggered a couple of assumptions that I'm backing off completely from helping others, which could not be further from the truth. I am helping other women besides the three I mentioned, and am actively involved in other service work.
I sincerely apologize for venting. I thought this would be a safe place to do so.
davep12and12, I do want to thank you again for offering positive and practical suggestions, which have been very useful....I've already started putting them into practice. I'm grateful for your encouragement to live in the solution rather than in the problem.
-- Edited by emmi331 on Friday 28th of October 2016 08:52:45 AM
