I am 70 years old and sober for 18 months. At the beginning of my recovery I developed "self doubt" as a defeat of character. I had lived in fear that and of my words or actions were not sincere, that I really didn't mean them. As an example, a tragedy involving multiple lives lost would occur and my immediate thought would be to ask God to help the lost persons. Immediately after that I would question myself as to the sincerity I felt - was it just an automatic response? It is more serious now. I have recently had what I believe to be a spiritual awakening. The wonder and joy was palpable. In the past several weeks I feel that my relationship with the God of my understanding is eroding - a loss of faith? Can anyone relate to these thoughts and can you share how you are working (have worked) through them? I try to pray for Gpd's guidance and now I doubt the sincerity of my prayers.
Hi Joe and congratulations on 18 months of staying sober.
I too have certainly had so much self doubt throughout my life. It is because of this and the resulting fear that I have held myself back in so many areas. Self doubt and fear caused me to drink. Drinking almost wreaked my life. I have noticed something about myself. My faith has directly correlated with the good and the bad things which have happened in my life. The more things go my way--the stronger my faith. The more things don't go the way I want or think they should--my faith has decreased. I ask God each and every day to help me learn what I need to learn, help me experience what I need to experience and to help me feel what I need to feel so that I will never drink again. I pray for His guidance in my life and I pray for His will in my life. And when I pray for others I no longer question my motives. I used to do what you described you are doing and sometimes wondered about my sincerity in saying those prayers. I do not do that anymore because when I pray I know in my heart that I truly have nothing to do with the outcome in other people's lives. It is in God's hands and I have no ulterior motives other than having love and concern for others.
Plenty of self doubt here too, with good reason. I never seemed to be able to do the right thing, and often had to question my motives.
AA used to teach two way prayer. Quiet time, and meditation were for listening for direction. I write down the thoughts that come. I am listening for God's will for me. The thoughts that come can be tested to see if they are God's will if they meet this standard: Are they loving, pure, unselfish and honest. If they are, I can act on them and not worry about motives. If they are not it is self will, and I will already see the wrong motive.
Getting rid of self doubt is learning to make good decisions instead of bad ones ... all those years we drank, we saw the results of make'n bad ones ... if you were/are anything like me, and we are near the same age, you became more 'dependent' on alcohol make'n your decisions for you over time ... as we get and stay sober, we see the results of our decisions almost immediately and can 'feel' good that we've made the right ones ...
Sincerity of your thoughts and actions come from the heart and have to do with what we, in AA, call "Total honesty" ... this has to do with just how honest you are with yourself ... I lied to myself for so many years, i found it very difficult to start be'n honest, period ... as 'Mystic man' mentioned above ...the longer we learn to live in the AA program, the stronger our God Conscientiousness becomes ... and this is cultivated by repeating steps 10, 11, & 12 ...
Continue to give God a chance to help other alcoholics through you and soon you'll develop a confidence that will help you be rid of this 'self-doubt' you're talk'n bout ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
