My girl broke up with me I have 9+ years sober her 6+ I did a full down to earth 4th step and reviewed it with my sponsor and reached out to make amends but her but she refused? Any Ideas why ? Did I harm her that bad?
The major issue she told me was over my sons MJ and Beer use! I know I shared my pains with her but they got stuck in her hula hoop!
Nine years sober is great and congratulations to you! You did your part by making amends. That is really all you can do. I made amends to a couple of others and had the same thing happen. It hurt. I do not regret doing what I had to do though. I cannot force anyone to accept my amends. That is their choice. It is kind of sad, isn't it? It is just the way it is and I have to move on so I don't use it as an excuse to drink again. It was not a waste of time doing those amends. They needed to be done. The guilt is gone. It cleansed my mind. Now I can focus on trying to live my life in a way that I try not to say and do things which hurt other people in my life. If I do my best to do that there will be no reason to make amends.
I think others would need to know a bit more before we could offer much of our own experience strength or hope that would be meaningful and relevant. For example, how old is your son, does he live with you, does he drink and use only casually and occasionally or does he have a problem and are you enabling him (this could make a huge difference in what your partner was being subjected to), and what exactly was the nature of the amends that you attempted to make? Was it simply an apology, or a commitment to take some kind of action to rectify an unacceptable situation, etc.
When I told her I wanted to come make my amends and get my things she said no to the amends part. Historically I have always made my changes and amends either verbal or living when she had an issue she brought fourth. We Have only had 3 disagreements in our seven year relationship. My son is 23 and living in my home at the time. I shared my fears with him (ie, arrest, wreck, decline, etc.) THE morning on her way out to work she verbalized his use was affecting our relationship. That I was not doing anything about it she was afraid to ride in my truck because she might get arrested she was afraid to come to my house that he may steal from her.
I had worked through a fourth step with my spnsor and others peers on his use. at best he was husband 1 from 2 wives, my son is not finished yet. My girl said I wasn't being a father I was being a friend. Other peers sent their children to a Phycologist That is in our home group and my son went twice and then quit going. He is not finished drinking, I sent him to live with his brother that's in recovery in Denver. Ive done my parts I just am trying to figure out why she refused to let me take the bandage off my heart and grow agaain
I always grow from discomfort and doing the work, I was in fear and selfish, I shared my pain and she kept in her hoola hoop when I had moved forward through diligent 4th step and ffith step work
Speaking from my own experience, I have been sober for several years and I have been in a relationship with someone who was also a long time sober member of AA. I can only tell you what my own perspective would be - I would not want to live with a partner who allowed one of their adult family members (a grown son or daughter, a grown sibling, a parent, whatever) who abuses drugs and alcohol to live in the same house with us. It would be an extremely difficult and unpleasant experience, as well as potentially hazardous and a legal risk, as your girlfriend mentioned. If I were in your girlfriend's position, I might wonder why my partner would allow such an unacceptable situation to continue. To me, it might appear that your own decisions regarding your son's drinking problem are what has ended the relationship.
Have you ever considered attending Alanon to address your own behavior regarding your son and his drinking and drugging problem?
I have gone to alanon, and from my experience with people other than my son they don't get it until they are ready. Enabling I absolutely was, I do not discount that. however page 95 in the big book was my source of how to treat anyone whom is not finished. My son still moderates and I project outcomes on him related to my own history and typically my fears never materialize. And they had not with him. I had a fear of being alone (part of being enabling)and now I am. One fear that came true. Another fact is, me and my girl live an hour apart we each have our own places. I came from living in a wrecked truck in New Orleans to purchasing and attempting to create a home in the last nine+ years. His mother is in a halfway house so she couldn't take him. He helped me a lot in my house. Made his bed every day but just partied on weekends and spent all his money and just wasn't thriving in the real world. Same As Me. Except I kept it going 40+ years until I was ready . I really just want to make my amends with her. Forgiveness will be in her court not mine
Page 95 doesn't say that we allow someone with a drinking problem to avoid the consequences of their actions by letting them live with us and cause a lot of damage in our lives and our relationships.
This isn't a question of whether the person with a drug and alcohol problem is 'done', it is a question of whether we are helping them get well, or helping them get worse by enabling them and shielding them from the consequences of their actions.
If my own parents had just let me continue to live in their house 'until I was done' instead of making me take responsibility for my life and my behavior as an adult, and letting me deal with the consequences of my drug and alcohol abuse by hitting bottom on my own, I probably would have chosen to just stay there and continue getting worse instead of trying to get sober. Why get sober if I'm being protected from the consequences of my alcohol abuse? Just speaking for myself, if they had enabled me in that way, I may not have been 'done' until I was dead. And I would have no doubt caused a lot of damage to their own relationship with each other in the process.
and Champ, ... I think your girl has very good reasons to 'not' prolong your relationship in the current circumstances ... If you put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you put your own sobriety 1st ??? ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
