So.....

I spent some time a couple of days ago making amends to those who I felt hurt me....

That section where "what is my part in it" "has been a real prob. for me. My first sponsor told me --"sometimes you really don't have a part in it". Although those words provided me with some kind of comfort and a justification for me to hang onto s*** because what happened had nothing to do with anything I did and I was completely "blameless"....it did not leave me feeling that everything was completely "over", "resolved".

I have shared so much (prob. way too much) about the things which have happened over the last year plus on here. Things which I did not take care of.....hurts, betrayals, resentments. I do believe in what the BB says about resentments leading to drinking again. I am living proof of it. I had it in my head what this person, that person "did to me". There was not anything that could be said to me to get over them, get over myself.  I didn't "need" to apologize--the wrongs which were done to me. I have held onto them all....went over and over them in my head.......It was as if I was building a summary of things others did to me for some odd reason. Maybe it stems from deep seated unresolved insecurities which I have had since childhood making me feel "less than", "unworthy of love" and a continuation of it. I don't really know. All I do know is that these things were reasons I gave myself to drink again...and again, and again.

So I realized I need to do things differently. My sobriety...my program....my choices. And I did something which surprised even me.....I contacted/left detailed messages for the people who I felt hurt me and I did something which is still remarkable to me...maybe unbelievable is a better word....I apologized to them.....

Let me explain. I do not approve or agree with some of the things which happened to me. I would not treat  a rat as badly as I was treated in some of these cases. (And to explain that...I even tried to save a mouse who was caught on a sticky mouse trap although I was freaked out and terrified of mice at that time, I stupidly did not realize the pain and suffering it would endure while going after a planted piece of Kix cereal on it. The side of its head was stuck to the glue trap and the poor thing had the Kix in its mouth. I looked at its eyes and although that was well over 20 years ago, will never forget the look of fear in its eyes. The tormented squeals it made got to me so much I was hysterical and crying. Anyway......what I will say is that other people's actions were driving me crazy....everyday my mind would try and figure out why this person, that person said or did this or that to me......now, the rodent comes back into play....only this time I am the rodent running on the wheel...going round and round in circles and getting nowhere other than being exhausted thinking about all the hurts others did to me. I was unable to say that mouse. I can save myself though and I can have compassion for those alcoholics, those still suffering from this disease, and although some of them I do fear ---I can still love them and try my best to treat them right although I may not understand them all.

So when I left messages (and was able to actually contact one of them)-- I did apologize.....for my behavior after the stuff happened.....that I wasn't big enough to go to that person directly instead of dropping her as a friend when she said things which hurt me....when I believed nasty gossip that someone told me someone else said....instead of going to that person who supposedly said it and asking her about it...and lastly I left a message to my ex-sponsor explaining why I no longer wanted that person to be my sponsor....only I didn't "explain" anything...I dropped that person too.

So....I have had to deeply question myself....why in the Hell does this stuff keep happening to me....why do people keep hurting me?

I think I have finally figured out the answer to that....(or God has helped me, because I am kinda slow...)...it is about me. My interpretation --my perception of other's actions. I have realized that yeah, there will be some people may actually care about me and some will not, however, the latter are probably going to be so focused on for me that they are going to spend much time at all trying to figure out ways to "get to me", "hurt me" "betray me".....People are human and things are said--spat out before they think about it.... things are misconstrued, and I really want to believe the best in people (although that thought got buried for awhile).  My eagerness to avoid confrontation even if it means trying to seek the truth behind others' motives and actions. I have played God and that has only served to hurt me, get me drunk again, and keep me obsessed with the thought that....I am worthless and cannot trust anyone and no one loves me...which has in the past given me excuse after excuse to pick up again. Alcoholic thinking, I know.

May God help me to help me realize that all I really have to do is do what I feel is the right thing and it is never my job to judge others.....to think carefully and be watchful of my own words and actions so that I will never hurt others..........and here is the real tough one although I am going to really try harder than ever to believe this....EVEN IF THEIR BEHAVIOR HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME AT ALL. That means....I have to have a very tough outer (and inner shell)....remove myself completely from having any control of anyone else's thoughts/feelings/actions. Control my own. Stay composed and realize that often hurtful things said to others are often reflections of pains felt from within and most often (as I believe now....) have little or nothing to do with me.

I have to say that I feel much better after making amends. I have not heard from a couple of the ones I made amends to. Not my job to worry about it and amazing that I am not trying to second-guess their decisions not to contact me. It is their choice. All I know is that I never was comfortable with the way I LEFT THINGS AND MY OWN BEHAVIOR. I feel much better now. :)

-- Edited by leavetherest on Sunday 3rd of July 2016 04:26:48 PM