Oh wow, ... very interest'n to be sure ...

Good 'heads up' think'n ...

There seems to be a common misconception around A.A that some of us choose to ignore, and it all centers around one important theme, storytelling.  The common denominator in everyone's story, minus the narrative itself, is the innermost monologue. And more importantly, how alcohol personified our lives. The stories, however, do not always bind themselves to just one scenario. Please allow me to explain.

I recently ran into one of my old flames and boy was she a knockout. It ended up being an awkward reunion given our unique history, but a long awaited reunion nonetheless. Let me paint a brief picture for you.

I had a huge crush on this lady since the early days of high school. Unfortunately, a couple of misadventures combined with a ridiculous amount of alcohol made this relationship sour, quickly.

I know she had similar feelings, and of course those feelings were mutual, but my drinking was so far gone that it made it virtually impossible to connect on any level, especially romantically. So, I did the next logical thing; I had a quick fling and then moved on.

It was a regrettable situation for the both of us, but it was only made worse by my excessive drinking. An amends was definitely in the picture, but how can anyone make an amends 30+ years later. I think you know the answer to that question.

So, here I am trudging through my local Target when out of the blue I hear this voice. Guess who? Yeah, it is my old flame Debbie. She looked good for her age and her adult children were just as adorable, but there was something missing that made the entire conversation awkward. I think you know why.  

The last thing to cross my mind at that specific moment was a quick amends, she deserved more, but something had to be said. Well, it took a couple of more meetings and a long walk to smooth things out, but when I did make the amends, it felt like a ton of bricks had finally been lifted off my shoulders.

Here is the point I'm trying to make: Any resentment, real or imagined, is not rooted in the hearts of others but in our own. So, it makes sense to change our perspective 'first' before we can see things for what they truly are. And sometimes a simple apology is not in our best interest even if our conscience disagrees. Why, because the other person can use this occasion as a reason to gloat, trust me I know. So I suggest you evaluate the situation thoroughly and then make a decision based on reason and not just your gut. It is how I approached the amends with my old flame, Debbie.  

I guess my primary motivator was fear, fear of what might happen if she chose not to accept my amends, which she did.  Many of us, myself included, find ourselves in helpless state of disarray, suffering through one emotion after another.  Eventually, we try to find an even keel, somewhere between our own instincts and our greatest fears. We try to smooth out these moments with solid, sober based solutions while trying to alleviate those thoughts with simple out of the box fixes. However, these solutions may only provide a temporary relief, which allows us to endure the pain one more day. Meanwhile, the root of the problem continues to evolve, even to the point of utter exhaustion. Sometimes, we can't even bear to look at it anymore. How true.

So here is how it works: Tricky emotions like resentments are interconnected. Balancing those emotions effectively is part of the solution. So how do we do that. Let's use anger as an illustration. When our emotions get the best of us, especially anger, then it is likely attributed to our own unique circumstances and not always the situation at hand. We might be substituting anger for fear or some other unexpressed emotion. Eventually, we become so disillusioned by the prospect of fear that our fears eventually take over. We get trapped in a self-obsessed cycle of being afraid, over and over again, which can only make things worse.  The antidote, of course, is faith and the solution to our resentments is acceptance. When we accept things as they are, then we can move on with our lives, regardless.

Whether someone deserves an amends is not up to me. It should be considered on a case by case basis. But in the case of my friend Debbie, she deserved so much more. And so do you. I hope it works out to your benefit. I certainly do. Onward.

-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 16th of July 2016 10:46:33 PM

I did too, David. Thanks for sharing as well as your input.

LOL....that strikes me as funny...and at the same time, as true..."resentment--I resent that word". Never have heard that.
THIS is profound....
"I could logically be angry, resentful and take the high moral ground. But because of the people I meet, listen, read with, learn and grow from, plus my own values- I have not."
I hope I learn from it and remember it. As do I hope to do from many of the comments you made that sound to me like someone who has more wisdom and growth than people I have met who have years of sobriety.
You JohnS, are indeed a profound one. Please continue posting.

-- Edited by leavetherest on Wednesday 29th of June 2016 01:14:07 PM

Hello Mr David- down on myself?  Well that shows how the pen is mightier..  I thought I was being objective.  Obviously not.  Food for thought/feeling.  Thanks will work on this with my sponsor.  To do with family, ummmmm...........YES! Out of the last 3 gen's of my family maternal and pat'l 30% of the males have died because of alcohol. Including my brother, when he was 45.  We unplugged him.  When I woke up in an ICU from a coma from terrible burns where I nearly died a few times my other bro told me I was in the same bed that other bro had died in-booze.  He then told me dad was dead-booze as well.  My time in hospital was due to booze.  Dead bro bullied me badly for years - hitting, verbal, causing physical pain- he was either the best bro in the world or a monster. He was abused by a coach at school.  Same one tried it on me but I knew what was what and go out of his car and found my way home.  Dad was a priest, when mum advanced to late stage Alz's disease dad left her in a nursing home and same day moved in with his girl friend, never to return to unit other bro built for him.  Was also bullied very badly at school.  Told mum- did not believe me.  She was the head master's secretary.  Parents always arguing, dad was never home at all 'cos he was a priest.  Moved around lots 'cos dad was a priest. (I do not know why laptop keeps changing from bold- not me and if it is, not my fault because I am an alcoholic).  Plus a phone book of other family baggage.  Suppose thought the treatment I got was my own fault.  Got worse in teens.  Found booze- emotions, coping skills froze.  Stopped booze- emotions woke up, thinking I was still a young man.  NUP.  So thanks again, perceptive question, will grow from this in a positive way.

John.

Thanks for this thread. I can relate.

I've been sober and active in AA for some time now, but there is still one resentment from about 30 years ago, (1985 to be exact haha), that still occasionally gets under my skin. I too have thought it odd to still feel something like that after so long; to remember details and actually feel myself back in those shoes. I don't spend much time entertaining those thoughts anymore. I found the longer I allowed myself to linger on them, the more they would grow in my head and make me uncomfortable.

When I catch myself dwelling on stuff like that, I write a 10 step, share it with someone I trust, and then get busy being of service, or get busy cleaning my house, or get busy doing anything-but-thinking-of-myself.