Well, after my experimenting again and being completely miserable (and still working on the being miserable part), I am going to meetings again--everyday. To be honest, I really don't want to however my sponsor said that in order for me to stay sober I need to go. Nothing was mentioned about 90 in 90. I may need to go to a meeting everyday for the rest of my life. I don't know. I do know that staying here isolating myself from the rest of the world, hanging onto resentments just kept leading me to the wine store. I have been really sick for the last several days. Pretty scarey and today is the first day in a while I feel somewhat human again. Guess I should have gratitude for being given another chance. The last time I was on my way back from getting my last bottle, I jaywalked and a car turning the corner almost plowed into my ass. I wanted to give the guy the royal finger and then I realized I was the one at fault. It would have been a real shame for my mom and other relatives to get a call telling her I got hit by a car and there was broken glass from a wine bottle (and this was the largest wine bottle kind) all around my dead body. Didn't stop me from drinking it though.
Anyway, the last several months have probably been some of the worst I have lived through. Nothing else major happened as a result of my drinking like jail and going to the hospital. Just extreme depression, worthlessness. I even got called a piece of crap and a couple of other names I cannot say here and all because I started drinking.
I am sitting in the meetings keeping my mouth shut and trying to listen. I feel like when I first started with the anger and not really wanting to be there. But I will do it because I don't know anything else to do except drink and that is making me feel worse.
The more meet'ns we go to, the more tools we learn to add to our tool box ...
BUT we must be very careful not to lock that tool box and stow it away ... it needs to be carried with us everywhere we go so as to have THE TOOL necessary to advance one more day without a drink ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Many Moons Ago I heard that in 'AA' there is a wrench for every nut. Yeah I know this sounds silly but I know it to be true and have seen it happen. So keep at it and One of These Days you will wake up!
Smith and Wilson AA Recovery Guarantee. :)
I had forgotten that "wrench for every nut". I like it. Darn! I just sent an antique railroad wrench to an auction house. Maybe that would have been big enough to help me :)
I like your posts because they are honest and about you. It's people's personal experience, strength and hope that I want to hear about. I am glad that you share it with us.
I had forgotten that "wrench for every nut". I like it. Darn! I just sent an antique railroad wrench to an auction house. Maybe that would have been big enough to help me :)
This is 'off topic' but I'd love it if you could post a pic of that wrench ...
I've got a couple old antique wrenches (from dad and granddad) that I've never used since I have a large assortment of tools ... and I AM curious whether they have any value other than they've been in the family a long time ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you gonee. Your post made me feel really good. I have felt that my posts were a bit on the whining poor me side.
Pappy, I am sorry. I didn't get any pics of that wrench. It was a big boy. If you look at the wrenches you have they may have the names of the manufacturer on them unless they were painted on rather than made into the metal. You can then look them up on Ebay. If they have a model number on them, which a lot of tools do, that would help narrow down the search. If you want to send me pics and info (as well as length of each) I will be happy to try and find out the value of them. I have had quite a few tools over the years. I love them although hardly ever have used them. I think it is because my dad had quite a few tools. He would tell me to go get this tool or that tool when he was doing a project. He would usually get impatient with me when I would bring him the wrong one...."I said a slotted screwdriver --this is a Phillips head!" he would yell at me. That happened over and over. Think my fear of being yelled at and upsetting him made me want to learn more about them.
That's ok LTR, ... I'm not really interested in letting them go anyway ... this was just 'curiousity' on my part ... in fact, now that I think about it, I think I left them with my youngest son, the mechanic ... I'll have to ask him the next time I visit ... ... ... Thanks
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Keep coming back! I'm still known as the angriest person who ever walked into my home group. I did NOT want to be there, and let them know. It was either get out of my house without my kids and a divorce, or AA. I seriously had to think about it....after I shut up and listened, I stayed because I wanted to be there. The people were so kind, and my life was drastically improving. This year I turn 50 and, god willing will have 10 years sober. I'm living the dream :) Just keep showing up.
Hey Chris, ... Congrats man ... I'm glad you shared that with us ...
And I'm not really sure how many of us walk into the AA rooms the first time say'n 'Hey Y'all!!!' ... I'm just soooo happy to be here, now, how the heck does this thing work??? ... LOL ... ... ...
Like you, I stuck around for a while ... at least until some of it rubbed off on me, LOL ...
HEY Y'ALL, ... ... ... KEEP COME'N BACK ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for the support!
Still attending meetings everyday and am actually grateful (instead of angry) for them. Everyday I am feeling better. This last week I felt horrible! My last craziness really kicked my butt. I needed that though. Forced myself to get out of bed and do as much as I could possibly do despite feeling poorly. I would tell myself "Well, you did it to yourself". And the last couple of days, I have done more each day here than I have done in months and months! I have cleared out crap from my living space and have a bunch of stuff going to the Salvation Army. And I am still wanting to work this evening and will get more ready to take to them after I post this. It is somewhat of a miracle for me. Not sure what is going on. This stuff has been piled up around me for ages! Even when sober, I was not able to get this much done! For some reason I am more motivated than I have been to do all of this. I am praying to God to guide me and lead me in the morning, and whenever I think about it. Then, when I take a break I am starting to pray to Him and thank Him for helping me get all of this done.
And I actually was able to smile and laugh tonight at the meeting. Haven't been able to do that either. Been sitting in there like a big ole Scrooge. So yes, I will keep on going back because I ain't drinking or wanting to drink, my attitude is slowly starting to change and I am actually getting stuff done around here! Thanks again guys! This board is really helping me, too!!!! Love you all!
I know for me when getting sober my mind was always going and telling me I'm less than and don't measure up. I had to learn how to live sober. My sponsor told me I had to find things to do to occupy my mind until I got better. So I worked out, read books, went to more meetings, called people, and found some hobbies. I was told my mind was still sick and I needed to heal and healing takes time. I was told i don't have to stay sober the rest of my life only for today. Glad your feeling better hang in there its a process and God has you in the palm of his hand and has a plan for you.
I sometimes get angry when faced with a daunting task.
But this is a good thing and motivates me to get the job done. Stupid Drunks also piss me off. :)
Hi LTR, nice to have you back. I have a question for you. If AA's solution to alcoholism is a transformational spiritual experience/awakening, how many meetings will you have to attend to get that? If you are not sure of the answer, perhaps run it by your sponsor.
Hi Fyne Spirit... Thank you. hmmmm....that's a very good question and I wish I had a very good answer to it. I didn't think it happened just by going to meetings....and some of the meetings I went to had me closer to the guy in the red suit rather than God. I am reading the BB everyday and like I said praying a lot more. I think after I work the Steps again and make amends I will be closer to that SA. Maybe not. I am not sure. I am just going everyday for insurance. Another sober day for me. Yayyyyy!!!!! I thought I was a goner for sure. I am very happy to be sober :):):):):) THAT STUFF IS CRAP AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sponsor has actually stuck by me through all my yo-yoing. I am extremely grateful. I have heard over and over people say that they had to fire/stop sponsoring people because they couldn't stay sober and that is what my first sponsor did to me--although he went and told my guy friend and not me he couldn't work with me anymore.
Awww, Fyne....now you have me curious.....
And I have to admit that I have been a "stupid drunk" --that's for sure. I have been called "idiot" and worse by others in AA. I guarantee you that although I do think of myself as being those things right now for having picked up, they are not labels I would ever think of about anyone else who relapses in AA. I never have thought that when someone has gone out and come back in. I have been concerned about them. I have said before that I have lost friends in AA because of it. That's okay. My sponsor said my real friends will love me and be there for me and not to worry about the others. I see them in the meetings and although it hurts, I really cannot be bothered by it anymore. I will pray for them though.
And if my relapsing pisses off anyone besides my very few close friends and family, it ain't my problem, I have enough of my own. And staying pissed off at other people's actions is what led me to drinking again...and again....and again and kept me from going back to the meetings after I did so because I was fearful of the people who were acting differently and thinking I was a "stupid drunk". I am really trying hard to mind my own damn business, keep my own side of the street clean, and "live and let live". I want and need to stay sober.
And I am not in the least bit angry at that poster above and that is what gives me hope that I will be able to stick with people who love and support me instead of those who have the need to berate and insult me for being, like them, an alcoholic.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Tuesday 31st of May 2016 05:04:34 PM
That's really nasty, Marc, to refer to an AA newcomer that way. And comments such as that are probably the reason other newcomers have left. Is this your service work? Must feel mighty proud of yourself, Mr. "20 years sober".
I agree. Marc, you've shown a habit of posting things that are way out of line, like posting inappropriate vulgar photos and comments that pointlessly insult new members.
Next time you feel the urge to do so, I encourage you to try practicing some restraint of pen and tongue.
.... and maybe take a look at why you would want to engage in this kind of behavior in the first place...
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Friday 3rd of June 2016 03:26:34 PM
This post was meant not only to share that I worked up enough courage to go back to meetings. When I attended them three years ago after almost drinking myself to death and started working the program I was able to stay sober longer than I had ever been able to in my 30 plus years of drinking. When I allowed people/places/things to get under my skin and into my mind and stopped praying, stopped attending meetings and stopped working the program I drank again and despite attempts to get and stay sober on my own I failed. No big surprise. I couldn't do it before on my own and am not sure why I thought it would be any different. I wanted to share my experience, despite the embarrassment I had of going back into meetings and coming back to this board and admitting --yeah, I drank--again. Most of the responses have been very positive and uplifting. I am grateful for the support and it has encouraged me and given me hope that there is nothing to be ashamed of to go out. What is most important is being able to put all the shame/guilt/remorse/embarrassment in the back of my mind and not let all those emotions prevent me from doing what I know I have to do to stay sober. This post was also meant to encourage others going through the same thing.
I just want to say to the posters who have taken their time and given so much support to me that I really appreciate you all so very much. And to you, Marc, I am sorry (as I have said before) that you still continue to use your mind and words in such a malicious and mean way to me and others on this board. For a short while after I last posted this kind of message to you, I noticed that you started posting some very caring and helpful things on this site. It was great! You probably helped others. Now, for whatever reason, you decided to go back to insulting others again. You have no power over me and cannot hurt me. I just hope and pray that anyone who comes to this board looking for support does not take your childish and completely inappropriate comments seriously. THIS IS LIFE AND DEATH, MAN! GROW THE HELL UP!
-- Edited by leavetherest on Friday 3rd of June 2016 08:21:27 PM
It is not so much what Iwant or need from you. It is what is necessary and expected of everyone who shares on this board, Marc. Two simple words....Be kind.
