I cant do this anymore. please please someone help

poozie · Member

I cant do this anymore. please please someone help

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Morn'n Poozie, ... Welcome to MIP ...

Here, and in the AA meet'ns, is where we learn to live sober ... we learn to become 'useful' once again and to love ourselves again ... we learn that 'ALL' is NOT lost and we can recover so as to love life, and others by help'n them in any way we can ...

If you're anything like the alcoholic I became, then you've lost not only your 'self-respect', but the respect of others too ... Here, we live the cure by using a few guidelines in recovery ... and we'd love noth'n better than to share our experiences with you about how we recovered from alcoholism ...

But 1st, I'd like to get you to go ONE day without a drink and get yourself to an AA meet'n ... go a few minutes early and let them know you're 'new' to this and they'll welcome you with open arms ... NOTE: We all had to go through this a 'first' time and there's noth'n to it ... just 'do it' ...

Come back here and let us know how it went ... try to get an AA BB ... (an Alcoholics Anonymous book, we call the Big Book ...) ... start reading through it ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

poozie · Member

Hi Pappy I have been to several AA meetings, unfortunately in a regional area and they are only on once a week. I can certainly commit to an alcohol free night, I will be relying.on antabuse use thou as im just to messed up mentally to risk not having it. What are your thoughts on the following... one of the main reasons my husband left was that I would do the usual (im not drinking but end up drinking thing) and he got sick of it he would also get angry for me going out for a drink but having 10(undefendable) and inexcusable. But he does exactly the same thing. He stummbled home at 4am last night he seems to think thats ok and when I bring.it up w him he shruggs if off. Feel lile im being villafied for the exact same behavioir he engages in. He also drinks daily, he may have week or two where doesnt but rhe same patterns repeat. Frustrates me, feel really hung up on it !!! X

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

poozie wrote:
Hi Pappy I have been to several AA meetings, unfortunately in a regional area and they are only on once a week. I can certainly commit to an alcohol free night, I will be relying.on antabuse use thou as im just to messed up mentally to risk not having it. What are your thoughts on the following... one of the main reasons my husband left was that I would do the usual (im not drinking but end up drinking thing) and he got sick of it he would also get angry for me going out for a drink but having 10(undefendable) and inexcusable. But he does exactly the same thing. He stummbled home at 4am last night he seems to think thats ok and when I bring.it up w him he shruggs if off. Feel lile im being villafied for the exact same behavioir he engages in. He also drinks daily, he may have week or two where doesnt but rhe same patterns repeat. Frustrates me, feel really hung up on it !!! X

Hey Poozie, ...

Okay .........., ... Antabuse, from what I've heard, is some pretty ruff stuff IF you drink alcohol with it ... and I think you may know this already ... it's prescription, so you must have seen, or are seeing a doctor for your alcoholism, ????? ... BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THAT STUFF ... using both can 'KILL' you ...

Go'n out for a drink or two and drink'n 10 sounds pretty typical for an alcoholic like I used to be ... so, it sounds like you're one of us ... AND having a husband that sounds like an alcoholic himself is not good, bad situation ...

The main thing is to do what's best for you ... get your Dr to get you into 'treatment' if possible, but you will need to change scenery's in order to 'take a break' from your husband ... cause from the way it sounds, he'll not be able to 'not drink' around you ... and you'll need all the support and encouragement you can get during the first few weeks for sure ... (antabuse may help, but I think it'll just mostly make you sick) ...

You're husband's attitude sounds typical of an alcoholic ... you know very well that drink'n changes who we are, it makes us into someone we'd not normally act like, he's no exception ... he probably gives himself points for go'n a week or two without a drink, then thinks ha!, I can control it, WRONG ... if that's the case, he's only kidding himself here ...

Let's look at what you need to do, don't worry about him, for now ... I had to go to meet'ns several times a day for a long time for me to get off the booze, I was a real bad case, and it took every meet'n I could get to ... Look at your options, and move if you have to, even if just for a while ... You must make staying SOBER, your number 1 priority right now ... you can do it, we can help ...

Love ya and God Bless,

Pappy

poozie · Member

Thankyou so much. Im so relieved that ylu get it. Ive actually decided to move out into my own place, the controlling/monitoring behaviour is really tough and makes me want 2 drink 10 times more. Had antabuse b 4 so know not to drink on it, have a rehab place in mind and spoke to hubby abt it 2nite. Through up excuses like well u cant just ditch work, and I need notice too. Wait 5 weeks (after he has been ok his camping trip) then we shall see. If yoir work schedule permits. Im done, im doing it. Im in serious trouble. Thank you !! P.s were u really a hard case? Still find it hard 2 believe that someone can come back from that. Here's hoping. Your beautiful, x

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Sounds like you've 'completed' step one of our 12 steps to recovery, congrats to you ... especially on making a decision ...

Let me be a little clearer on what I'm suggesting ... It's 10 times harder to recover in the situation you're in ... Don't make any drastic or rash decisions right now, other than to get help ... and to get away from your current environment ...

Most businesses will allow us 'personal time off' if the reason is legit ... I did that once, gone for a month and still had a job to come back to ... It will make your finances strained, especially if your husband won't help ... BUT, like I said, sobriety is number 1 on your list of things that are important right now ...

Drink'n ONLY makes a bad situation WORSE ... get out while you can still make decisions on your own ...

LOL, r.e. your P.S. ... .. ... Yes, I was that hard a case ... very nearly died ... Drs really didn't think I would make it, much less get sober ... that was over 8 years ago ... you cannot possibly imagine how GREAT sobriety is right now ... right now you probably hate life, hate yourself, hate your husband, hate anyone that looks at you ... I used to spit at myself in the mirror and say you S.O.B. you did it again ... you promised not to drink more than 2 this morn'n ... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU????? ... and I had no answer ... other than I knew I could not go on live'n this way ...

poozie · Member

Yep I totally related to the self loathing, I use to hope I got cancer or a tumor so I could die. Hate me. Angry, sad, overwhelemed, hate that im having to carry the load on my own. The good thing is that I am my own boss so I can take the time.off, will just upset a few pl(essp hubby). Ok. Feel like this is the right thing. Thanks for taking the time to reply. X p.s im in a v small community and AA consists of 3 or 4 plp so sponswrs r v hard to come by. Is there such a thing as a virtual sponsor? Xx

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Yes, BUT, if you're not 'totally honest' with them, it's hard to read your 'body language' over the internet, ha ... ... ...

My sponsor knew by watch'n me and my eyes when I was make'n shit up and avoiding the subject ... we NEED someone who can 'call us' on our lies ... (you know, we've gotten so good at it ...) ...

It's just better to have someone you can go 'one-on-one' with ... sit and have a cup of coffee with ... someone you 'trust' with your deepest, darkest secrets ... cause there'll come a time when this will be invaluable ... you need someone who'll take the time to spend with you to lead you in the right direction ... someone of the same sex ...

(be'n in a small community also has its own problems, where everybody knows everybody) ... Hope you have access to larger community within an hour or so away, that would be much preferred ...

Main thing right now is start take'n your sobriety 'One Day At A Time' ... we all can go just one day without a drink ... then start all over tomorrow ... I've gone 8 years 'not' drink'n ... One Day At A Time ... no matter what happens today, I will not drink over it ... maybe down the line, JUST NOT TODAY ...

Read, or reread the AA Big Book ... it tells you what you should expect ... (1st 164 pages especially) ... and 'The Dr's Opinion') ...

poozie · Member

Couldn't agree more re f2f connection and subtle nuiances, ques ect .. I do have someone in mine but she is actually one of my clients which makes it awkward (im her psychologist) . Anyway. First job is to secure a spot tmrw and the rest will work itself out I think . Thanks. Xz

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I can relate suz ... welcome home. Keep posting xo hugs!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Oh wow, that kinda caught me 'off guard' ... I'm not too sure about have'n that arrangement ... think I'd stick with the 'anonymous' bit in this situation ...

As a 'professional', then you should be very aware of what your next decision should be, ... just 'make it happen' ... and as you said, everything else will 'work itself out' ... Over my many years in AA (not all sober), I've met a lot of Doctors, Lawyers, Business owners, Entertainers, men and women from all walks of life, even a 767 Pilot, in the rooms of AA ... alcoholism does not play favorites, everyone is susceptible ... and if'n you got it, you need to work toward a spiritual solution that becomes a well proved cure for the disease ...

See, we are morally and spiritually 'bankrupt' when we get to this point so we need someone to guide us ... and in this case the 'patient cannot heal themselves, by themselves' ... we all need help and I think you realize this fact, else you wouldn't be here ...

Just let those who need to know that you're taking time off to address some personal and private issues ... nuff said ... then go get help before it DOES become too late, which is not a pretty sight to witness ...

Come talk with us here anytime ... some others will be joining this post here I'm sure ... You'll be in my prayers ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

jen12345 · Member

I quit Jan 10 this year. Went to the hospital I was sooo sick, my whole body. I ended up detoxing there. I then went to intensive out patient treatment. Graduated and went to step down. I was the only one there without being ordered to go by court or DCF. I was feeling great, earned some respect from my family and was building a new relationship with my 18 year old son. I relapsed May 10. Ended up in the hospital again and am currently detoxing at home. I lost everything that I had regained. But, I'm pushing on and it IS NOT easy. But, I miss the sober REAL me. I had self-respect and was happy and healthy, clear minded. I wish you all the best, and if you ever need to get shit out, this place is PERFECT, especially if you can't find a good network. Keep posting, people do care. I was desperate when I first posted, and people came to me. Jen

Baba Louie · Senior Member

Don't let that relapse get you down, Jen. Get back on track. Glad Yer still with us.

jen12345 · Member

I'm trying to just go one day at a time!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

It took me several times failing to stay sober before I got sooo sick I knew one more time was 'brain dead' or '6 feet under' ...

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE ... just keep do'n the 'One Day at a Time' thingy, it works ...

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

I agree with Roger, it's never to late to sober up. Just put one foot in front of the other and simply move forward. I's the best advice anyone can give. Welcome to M.I.P.

JerryF · Senior Member

Jen and Poozie another tool I've used in recovery is imagination...imagining my self sober and working the program gave me a solid thought, feeling, action impression of what sobriety was which the old-timers spoke of. No I didn't have all of the time they had and I did have the impression. Getting to meetings and listening with an open mind will teach you tons. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs)))) wink

jen12345 · Member

I am lucky I learned alot from my first run being sober. I did go to meetings even when I didn't feel like it. I usually got the most out of those! The first time around I didn't feel like I deserved any goodness. This time I crave it. But, I know it will take time. Goodnight Jen

poozie · Member

Im sinking deeper and not sure what to do. Since my last post I signed up to an online program (I know f2f much better but in regional area).I downloaded some books, got tasty non alcohol alternatives. and picked a date ready to go which came and went. No excuse but went round to a friends house who I adore but also an alcoholic. Now I have somehow now managed to lock up an extra habit too(which I won't go into) . Im not enjoying the is but feel stuck. No one knows and im going to work as per but barely functioning I don't know if I should take some days off work and do a home detox? I have canelled appoints a few times due to hangovers and other traumas. If I take time off what does that mean for business. There is also a sense of hopelessness and here we go again feeling Ok any direction would b v v helpful. .

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Poozie, ...

I'm relieved you're still alive ... I was worried since you hadn't posted in a while ... ... ...

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me that you're in need of a 'Rehab' center that will monitor you're detox closely and give you the meds you need to get clean ... I tried detox at home and almost died, BP went through the roof and I nearly stroked out ...

You need help that we cannot provide over the internet, right now ... and I recommend you get it from your doctors with a commitment to do at least a 30 day stint in a rehab, longer would be better at this stage ... ... ...

We love you and want you to be around for a while ... but the decision is yours and only you can make it happen ...
Pappy

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

P.S. ... you can take 'time off' now and get yourself straightened out and clean ... or you can continue to struggle with your addiction til you have noth'n left to go back to ... your choice ...

poozie · Member

If have rehab lined up, 3 week wait. I have never had any major physical withdraws from alcohol b 4. I have some temazopan and was thinking of doing a home detox....thoughts....

poozie · Member

And thankyou for caring.i know u cant tell me what to do I think I need to spend a few nights sleeping then begin antabuse until next rehab. I dont think I would make 3 weeks if I dont do something now.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I've detoxed a few times at home, cause I got to where I could not walk(partly) ... and it's the most horrible experiences I ever had in my life, well, except do'n it in jail once ...

You cannot think clearly through this process and will make some bad decisions that may or may not cost you dearly ... maybe your doctor could get you into a hospital til your spot opens up in Rehab??? ...

I cannot stress this enough, you can easily die from detox'n yourself ... I don't recommend it at all ...

Please get some help now, for yourself, for us who CARE about you ...

poozie · Member

And thankyou for caring.i know u cant tell me what to do I think I need to spend a few nights sleeping then begin antabuse until next rehab. I dont think I would make 3 weeks if I dont do something now.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Be SURE not to drink while on Antabuse ... that will certainly make you sicker than you've ever been in your life if you do ... AND it can Kill ...

poozie · Member

Poppy, the kindnesz of strangers has me floored. I cant actually get a referral where I am currently located due to ethical professional issues. I am not at not shaking just get tired and depressed. I could take a few days off work and go to my brothers place (recovering alcoholic his wife is a nurse) and do it there. Ot would also give me access to plenty of AA meetings. ...how to I reconcile the guilt at continually letting people down. I hate blowing off work but I just cant see how I could possibly do it in any other way. ...

poozie · Member

Not interested in drinking when on antabuse. Well aware of risks, I did attempt a glass of red once and it was awful. Would never ever do that again

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I feel you should make arrangements at work to be gone for a while if you can ... if you keep work'n through all this, you'll likely lose everything you've worked for ...

The idea of stay'n with your brother and his wife actually sounds good to me ... if he's strong in recovery and knows the shit an alcoholic can dish out ... and especially if his wife is a nurse, that's better than stay'n at home by yourself ...

We can deal with the 'guilt issue later, just do the right thing right now, please ... which is get help and let your job know you'll be taken some 'medical' 'time off' ...

poozie · Member

I know you are right. Ill put some plans into place and take the week off. Thanks for caring and sharing. Weird that a stranger understands me better than my own estranged huusbad or mother. Thanks for helping me problem Solve. Will keep u posted on progress. X

davep12and12 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Poozie, I know you mentioned that there are only AA meetings in your area once a week, but the way it often works in areas like that is that people go to those meetings, make connections with the other participants there, trade contact info, and stay in touch with each other BETWEEN meetings to help each other stay sober. It apparently works for the other people who are already there and doing this, and this is how much of AA participation was done for many, many years before there were areas that had an abundance of meetings every day of the week.

I hope you make the best use of this important resource and take advantage of all of the help that is available and give yourself the best possible chance of success. If that includes some kind of rehab stay to help you get through the first several days, so be it, but ultimately we need to have a plan for how we STAY sober, one day at a time, for the long run AFTER rehab. And that is what we get from making a commitment to fully participate in AA.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

poozie wrote:
I know you are right. Ill put some plans into place and take the week off. Thanks for caring and sharing. Weird that a stranger understands me better than my own estranged huusbad or mother. Thanks for helping me problem Solve. Will keep u posted on progress. X

Yes, please keep us up-to-date and allow us to help when and where we can ...

You may think we are 'strangers', but if you're an alcoholic like me, we are as close as most 'brothers and sisters', even closer because no one other person understands how we think and feel like another alcoholic ... it's just the simple truth ...

Please try to go one day without a drink and make your plan to get help work ... don't forget, we've been through this shit and we love our sobriety now, you will too, just have faith that you can make it happen ... and we'll be with you every step of the way ...

Love you and God Bless,

Pappy

Eric B · Newbie

Hi Poozie, I read that you were looking for help. I help guide people through residential treatment and after care. If this is something you might be interested in please send me a email to eric@coasttocoastrecovery.com.

Wrangler · Newbie

Re: I can't do this anymore

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP Wrangler ... ... ...

Are we missing some of your post??? ...

poozie · Member

Im alive, but skating on v v thin ice. I feel i am moments away from things turning terribly wrong and I will b unable to reverse. Just have a gut feeling that mu time is almost up. One of you mentioned that the key is Staying sober after rehab it struck a chord w me, I think im looking for a magical fix but realise there is none I went to a retreat in march (v expensive one) and im not financially well off, after feeling great and being sober for 2 weeks I busted at the airport. I knew when the flight was at lunchtime that I would struggle. Now I feel completely stupid for wasting money and time. If I could get 3 or 4 days away from drinking I think I could find the strength and clarity to to make better decisions. I have 2 days on my own w no kids and this is stunningly rare. My plan is to not drink today, im going 2 sleep and pretty much not leave my unit. Im also taking antabuse (thanks for warnings I am aware ). This will get me thru 2 wednesday when I can get to an AA meeting. I have the big book and believe AA is the only thing that will work (for me). So any suggestions on how to get thru the first week or 2 would be welcomed. Thanks everyone, you guys are all I have atm. X

Deskdad · Member

You can do this. Definitely read the book and go to a meeting as soon as you can. Stay busy and avoid your normal triggers. There are also online meetings on this forum and others plus a wealth of free reading material online. Get out and take a long walk if it starts to get bad.

davep12and12 · MIP Old Timer

Poozie, in my experience, getting deeply involved with AA on a very regular basis, like daily, is the best thing people like us can do. Isolation can be extremely dangerous for people who are trying to get sober and stay sober. I know you said that there are only meetings near you once a week, but there may still be ways for you to be in direct contact with people in AA between meetings, in addition to internet stuff. Like talking to AA volunteers on the phone at some AA local office somewhere relatively close to you. If you can give us a general idea of where you are located (like the name of the nearest decent-sized city) maybe we can help you get in touch with some AA people so you don't have to go so long without direct contact with people in AA.

poozie · Member

Thanks ill private message you

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Love your new Avatar Shawn ... awesome ...

Hey Suz, ... I get this strange gut feel'n you have NOT made a decision on where you're go'n ... When I came back to AA, my sponsor said, after a meet'n, that I was go'n to have to make a decision and that I was the ONLY one here that got to make this decision ... NO ONE else could do this, only me ... he said nobody can decide what I'm go'n to do but me ... he said here's what you need to do RIGHT NOW ... ... ...

ARE you go'n to go our 'way of life' OR are you go'n to go your 'way of life' ... I said ... 'I don't want to do either one' ...

He said I didn't ask you what you 'wanted' to do ... I asked what you are 'GOING' to do ...

I thought well hell, ... ... ... my way of life certainly was not work'n out too well ... I was sick and pretty much drink'n non-stop ... ... ... I was think'n man, what choice do I really have??? ... and I was actually down to this be'n a 'life or death' decision ...

You relate to any of this?????? ... ... ...

If and when you are willing to try this program as only the dying can do, then you will learn to love and enjoy life that is impossible for us here to describe for you ... but 1st, you must start with Step 1 ...

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

Love you and God Bless,
Pappy

davep12and12 · MIP Old Timer

poozie wrote:
Thanks ill private message you

Hi Poozie, I just sent you some info about meetings and AA phone numbers in your general area. Please keep us informed here in the discussion thread to let us know what actions you are taking and how it is working out.