I talked to the guy from Marquette. Those of you who have been fallowing my posts know who I am talking about. Potential sponsor for when I move back up North. He called me and we talked for maybe 5 minutes. He is celebrating his 8 month today. Told me everyone at the Alano club up there misses me and they sent me a photo of all of them. And he told me that if staying at my dads house ruins my sobriety, then they will find a place for me to stay up there and make it so I dont have to live here anymore. I'm really considering.
I see my old shrink on Thursday, which will be my one month, God willing. Lord knows I cant do this alone. I really cant. I know I cant and I feel like I am being crushed by this huge load on my shoulders and I am having trouble here. It is hard having family around that you cant talk to. Hell, a guy I met a month ago is offering to let me stay in his home in order to stay sober, and the man who helped raise me basically uses me to clean his house and threatens to kick me out whenever I try to stick up for myself.
This was the crash I was afraid of. My first few weeks of sobriety were going way to smoothly. I was really happy and everything was good. I guess that is the pink cloud? Well the cloud cleared and now a ice cold beer sitting in the fridge is threatening me. I am terrified of it but yet it attracts me to it like no other. "Just one" I tell myself. Isn't that a joke. Yeah I am only 19 but I know if I start to drink again, I will end up dead. It seems like that should be enough of a deterrent but it isn't. Guess that is why there is AA right? That is why we are called alcoholics.
I learned, the HARD WAY, that one was too many and a hundred wasn't near enough ... just one called out for more and more and more ... next morn'n, I'd spit at myself in the mirror and call myself all kinds of filthy names ... could not believe I'd just done the one thing I said I'd never do again ...
One beer start skewing my judgment and thoughts right away, I thought well, that didn't have much impact, why not another ... by then, I made all sorts of excuses to have more and more and more, til I was 'passed out again' ...
That is NOT 'live'n life', that's simply throw'n it away ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well I got through the crappy night and had a great day. My cousin came and hung out with me all day. My dad was also at work all day. My dad talked to me today and said that hes glad I am at AA. He said itll be good to go to it for now so I can drink regularly later... He thinks it cures the alcoholism and that I can drink normally later in life. He doesnt believe I am an alcoholic either. Said it is just a college thing..
Most people don't understand alcoholism or recovery from alcoholism, and it's not unusual for people who aren't familiar with these things to think that alcoholics may eventually be able to drink like other people (as if that was some kind of worthwhile goal). Hey, even most people who ARE alcoholics never figure this out. Those of us who found the solution in AA and other places are the fortunate ones. Keep in mind that it really is not important for us to 'educate' people who are not alcoholics about this stuff. Let them think what they want to think.
Aside from the fact that your dad may not be very well informed about alcoholism, it sounds like he took the news really well!
And I'm really glad to hear that you got through the tough day. When I was going through those early tough days, worrying and feeling like maybe I wouldn't be able to get through it sober, and then making it through that day and looking back - it was important for me to be very aware of how horrible that day WOULD have gone IF I had not made a commitment to stay sober another day. And once we get past a day like that, we now have even more evidence of what we can get through sober, if we just keep doing it one day at a time. It can be a very reassuring feeling. You KNOW you can get through days like that because now you've already done it.
Well I got through the crappy night and had a great day. My cousin came and hung out with me all day. My dad was also at work all day. My dad talked to me today and said that hes glad I am at AA. He said itll be good to go to it for now so I can drink regularly later... He thinks it cures the alcoholism and that I can drink normally later in life. He doesnt believe I am an alcoholic either. Said it is just a college thing..
Good to hear you are get'n along with your dad, at least it sounds like y'all are be'n civil to each other and able to talk ... glad he's okay with you and the AA stuff ... BUT David is so right about non-alcoholics, they simply DO NOT understand the disease ... and the control it has over mind and body ...
Pick up and older version of the AA BB and read the story of the guy that quit drink'n so he could have a good career, then once retired, he thought he could now drink when and where he wanted to ... the disease never left him, he immediately drank like he did before he stopped, and was dead within a year or so ... just say'n ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Very true Dave. I can look back and say I made it through that day so why not today. And I know I can call my friend back in Marquette anytime.
Pappy they told me a story like that at our Alano club here in town. A member there was sober for 30 years or something like that and when he retired he drank himself to death. I'll stick to juice.
