I'm so sorry for what happened but you aren't a hypocrite. It seems like the people who are the best at giving relationship advice are always single because they made the mistakes and they know what they did wrong and are passing it on. You've helped me and it's credible help because you have made the mistakes. Try to look at this as a learning experience instead of a downfall. Hang in there

sorbsauce....
great pic.....you look so happy!

I am so happy if anything I said helped you in any way. It was sincere--at the time--as I was sober when I said it. Just please don't be like me. And I will prob. be alone for the rest of my life. My trust in anyone is completely destroyed. I have always been told I am too nice a person.... too trusting. I have always over apologized. Even when I was a kid I would say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" for things unrelated to me at all....I just felt guilty and I was the one to blame for some odd reason. I even had people tell me "Why are you apologizing? This has nothing to do with you?" all the time. I don't know why I did that....I just felt guilty for some reason and I felt like it may help make them feel better. (Again for some reason I cannot explain).

I am not all that different from the rest of the world....just want to be happy. Maybe I can be by myself--a hermit, possibly. I really have tried to be as good a spouse, girlfriend, mother, friend, etc. to others, but it is never good enough. Despite how "verbal" I am on this board, I usually have kept my mouth shut face-to-face. I'm a big chicken and hate controversary.

Anyway, there I go again...rambling. No need to really. And Dave..my guyfriend shared with his AA friend I drank again today...I just don't think I can face those people again. I know "ego" problem there. I have stayed sober only because of God and my faith in Him and this board. I am so disillusioned with AA because of the experiences I have had (and posted about) anyway, so guess I shouldn't use that as an excuse.
I will keep coming on here to read. It has helped me throughout my sobriety....hmmmm...my "sobriety" big Ha Ha now.

Hey Sorb, ... you're sound'n like an old Vet now (Veteran) ... you been listen'n to some of this stuff from somebody, way to go ...

Hey LTR, it took a lot of nerve(guts) to come here and admit this new development ... you and I are quite close and I knew the details of your situation, and what I foresaw coming, has happened ... last year I pushed as hard as I dared push, for you to gain your independence ... but all that's in the past ... today is a new day and tomorrow will bring new opportunities ...

Don't unnecessarily be hard on yourself, sh*t happens ... it's how we deal with it that counts ... It took me the 4th rehab before any of this AA stuff made sense ... of course I always thought I was smarter than the average joe too ... turns out, those relying on higher intelligence usually have a harder time in recovery ...

I've had to return to my AA group several times, embarrassed as hell ... but I went back, tail between my legs begging for help ... and they gladly gave me help each time ... you'll learn, you aren't the only one to have a tuff go of it, a lot of us do/or did ... it's a BIG change in life to get and stay sober ... but it's worth it ...

You need to keep your 'senses' about you in order to plan what you're go'n to do ... and start check'n all your options before you run out of time with your living conditions ...

Sorry you have to go through this ... but God made you tough this last year ... probably cause He knew you'd need to be strong right now ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

sorbsauce...I agree with Pappy...the insight that you have is amazing.

I know I screwed up. I know that to drink again is never the answer for an alcoholic. I never admitted to being perfect in all of this. I am so far from that.

Now sorsauce--you are my "role model" --nine days of sobriety!!!! I read that and (no joke) I was amazed. It is like my 2 plus years of sobriety never happened. I cannot believe I actually stayed sober for that length of time. I actually credit this board --more than the AA meetings.

I really think that (as the Big Book states...) that I am one of those who are "constitutionally incapable" ones. Although my experiences in AA have caused me to question so much, I will have to agree with that part. I thought I was at the point "stick a fork in me--I'm done".

When I relapsed several months ago, I received a text message from a man who had 27 years of sobriety. He was at the meeting I went to when I shared with the group that I had relapsed.....although I tried to stay composed, I broke down. After I got home, I received a message from him (he had my phone number because I had asked him if he would give his story at one of our HG mtgs). The message said...and since Tasha already gave my name I will share...."Grace, don't worry. You are going to be just fine." That was on a Friday night. It really made me feel so wonderful. Here was someone --so strong--with so much sobriety--a relatively quiet, seemingly stayed to himself sort of guy reaching out to make me feel better about drinking again. Well, within a few days later I found out this same man drank the next day. He picked up a white chip on the following Monday. For some odd reason--unknown to me--I wondered "did I have anything to do with him drinking again???? UNREAL! How the Hell did I think that I have that much power--that much importance--in jeopardizing a successful businessman--a long time sober alcoholics sobriety?????? But I did. I blamed myself and my own inability to stay sober in causing another person to drink.

What an over-inflated ego I have. No matter how insecure I am, my inner thoughts of my own self-importance are surreal!

Pappy, I know, I know. You were right. I didn't listen. I was (still am) too dependent on another person to take care of me and (I thought) love me. I have to take care of myself. I know. One of these days in the future I am hoping that I can come on here and say--I am taking care of myself now! I am not dependent on anyone else! Dammit, I am 55 f******* years old, what is wrong with me? Why haven't I learned that yet?

I can give advice but I can't seem to fallow it myself haha. Well hey. Look at it this way, I just started, so now you start and we'll struggle together eh? We can do it together

Comfort indeed haha. Ill tell a friend that I'm craving a beer and they just ignore me. There's no one to really understand that or agree that they are too.

Grace, you know that we are here for you! Let us know what we can do, or if we can just listen.

Troy

Good job LTR on getting right back on track. You should never feel ashamed of relapsing and then going back to meetings. I had a guy friend I had known since high school, and many years later met back up with him at my AA meeting. He was a constant relapser. But I'll tell you what, I was never so happy as when he used to come back after a run. To know he was alive and giving it another shot. He never gave up, and died sober a couple of years ago of a heart attack. There are many whom I've met over the years who never make it back. Stop being so hard on yourself. Brush it off, and move forward, live in the day. You can do it.

No, wren is someone different. This is the only name I've ever had on this board.

Well, I finally have reached the point where I admit I have been beat. Getting my butt back to the meetings. Thought I could do this by myself and with my HP....I cannot. Main thing is not to let the PP&T's get to me this go round. I know that is where I screwed up. Expectations through the roof and all I really need is to get back to the only thing that was successful in keeping me sober for those 2 plus years. I feel like I am less thin-skinned and mainly MORE SERIOUS about my sobriety. It's either that or I die to this disease. I don't want to die.

Thanks for all of your support, guys and gals.

Very glad to hear this, LTR. There are undoubtedly a lot of people in the meetings who need to hear from you and learn from your experiences, good and bad. They may not all like what they hear. It may scare some of them. Oh well. They can either learn from the experiences of others, or not, up to them, just as it is with each of us. Regardless of all that, you have earned your seat and you are a member of AA.

I'll keep you in my prayers, Leavetherest. It's the least I can do.

There are a couple things I like to mention if I may. The first has to do with labels and more importantly, how to avoid them.

I certainly know what it feels like to be labeled an alcoholic. The stigma can be far reaching. It can even frighten us back to the brink of active drinking, or worse. It's like a sugar rush that has lost its mojo. The only thing left for us is more of the same. But let it be known, there's more to this equation then meets the eye. We have advocates in and outside these forums who can make sobriety that much easier. They can provide us with a sense of relief, while bringing comfort to our weary souls. They can be our eyes, ears and voice of reason when we need them the most. I hope you utilize their talents to the best of your ability.

That's why I feel fellowshipping is so important. It's our connection to the sublime. So instead of allowing anxiety or fear rule over us again, like it has in the past, think about the positive reaffirming values of a good recovery fellowship and how it can alter our supposed destinies. It can be the glue that binds our lives together. I hope it remains that way for you.

You story, though tragic, sounds utterly familiar. It reminds me of a story that feels close to home, my own. I never was convinced enough of my own alcoholism until I uncovered myself from beneath it. The heap of broken remains was just causality in my own personal battlefield. It was like being in denial while suffering the fate only alcoholics are accustomed too. So from that standpoint I can relate. I had to suffer more torture than anyone should ever endure, and that was only the beginning.

Today is a completely different vibe, however. I have no more regrets about drinking mainly because I don't have those urges any more, but then again it's just part of a daily reprieve I call sober grace. I couldn't do this alone, though. I have a great network of friends who I call my sober connections. They're the lifeblood of my sobriety without a doubt. So I need to learn from them as well. It's a learning process for us all. We don't get this sobriety thing overnight, it requires a more delicate touch for some. So don't get too caught up in the logistics anymore, just take it one day at a time as do we. Believe me; it's worth all the effort. Onward.

-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 21st of April 2016 01:12:32 AM

Xxxhugs
Fresh start

Awwww! Thanks jad and pappy :)

I made it through another day yesterday. I did think about drinking again.....the compulsion is working on me. I came here, read some things, read in the Big Book, and prayed. Called my sponsor and admitted I had thought about going out and getting a bottle. I have to call everyday and I actually put off calling until later. I kept thinking how awful it would be to either call after I had been drinking....would I try and act "sober".....could I pull it off? Would I get fired again? So I decided it was easier to get my upteenth cup of coffee, smoke my cigs and try my damndest to stay sober rather than go through the mess I knew I would create if I drank.
I reread some of There is a Solution........my sponsor says I need to read the BB several times and read the chapters out loud after I admitted I am a slow reader and don't remember very long so much of what I read. I may even read that same chapter again today. It is a good one. So much sounds like me and my thinking. I guess it sounds like most of us. I am tearing up as I am typing this. I guess it is maybe feeling sorry for myself....sorry for you guys, too....sorry for my dad and my other relatives--other people--all the ones who were not able to get sober and died. And I am hoping that I am not one of them. I am scared. I guess that is a good thing. This is a scary disease.

For now grace... finding the next right thing means we consider the qualities of our true self or our hp in any instance and then act as if until until we become it or become our true self or living in light if the spirit or however you wish to think it or say it.

Right now you are thinking and feeling self pity and pity for others.

The quality of pity doesn't reflect your true self or hp. So recognize your choice. Not if to drink or not... you lack choice there forever as do i.

Your choice lies in replacing one action laced in dysfunction for a healthy one.

The opposite of pity and self pity is confidence. Further along, confidence that others will handle their feelings around this situation along learn from instead just like you. The universe or hp has things along do they need to be for the greatest giod.

Fresh start for you... for others today. No holding grudges alongndsgainst yourself. God doesn't hold grudges... so you will live in st that light and not do that either then.

Replace every thought and action with right action in this way and you will become your true self. Drinking won't be a thought anymore that you consider. Xo

Thanks so much, Tasha...
powerful stuff. I appreciate it.