I've spent a decent portion of my life accompanied by a pretty wicked urge to drink. I had an angry at myself, disgusted with the world, sick of it all, drink to die sort of urge.

The universe was doing a fine job demonstrating a serious lack of control even without my participation, and when I wasn't doing battle at work or tending to family & friends; I was up all night, reliving the past and suffering through another bout of broken amnesia.

I could see myself taking the first drink, eyes wide shut, as I slowly made my way back to that hazy island where no one asks too much of me. There were no regrets, no ridiculous curfews or client meetings to attend, and emotions were always managed by the glassful. Eventually, I stopped questioning my intentions and started wondering, when.

The 'when' part never materialized, thank God, but the inner debate still rages on.

Eventually, I came to an understanding; that at a certain point it became less about my struggles and what I could or could not do and more about deciding who I wanted to be in each and every moment. I can finally relax, enjoy some much needed rest, and accept change as it happens.

And when all was said and done and the votes were finally tallied, one thing became crystal clear: The more I fought the boundaries of sobriety, the more I fought myself. So, eventually, I stopped fighting.

A few years ago, an old friend appeared on my porch unannounced. He was wrapped up in the same chaos that prolonged & sustained his drinking for more than a decade. It was a chilling visit, striking as much as a reminder of my past -lived far off the deep end- as for his advanced self annihilation and sick demeanor.

The stories of his recent life were unsurprising and familiar: The fights, illnesses, numerous car wrecks, runaway spouses, huge investment losses, as was his confusion as to why the universe seemed so intent on rubbing him out.

Then he said something rather shocking" do you want to get high", and, of course, I said no. When he left, I thought about my amazing luck in having somehow ended up here 15 years sober with a life that's generally manageable given where I've come from. 

Then, I began to remember: I got sober in the hopes of finding a way to live with myself, not because I expected it to solve my problems or someone else's.

The fact that I can find my way thru life's challenges today without self medicating is in itself an honor and a privilege. I can take a step back, breathe a sigh of relief, and let go of those urges once and for all. I can do this time and time again, as I enjoy whatever miracle comes my way, now and always.

The A.A. program has saved my life on more than one occasion, yet there are still times when I am at odds with sobriety. 

So when life throws us that proverbial curve ball, and I'm feeling anxious and afraid, I start rehashing the words of my first sponsor, Hal: "Life, as we all know, is way too short to ride fence lines, and as long as I dwell on the past or expectations of the future, I am missing entirely the only thing I've got to work with, which is this present moment". If I can remember all of this, I think I'll be set.

Onward.