Here's my deal: alcohol. I'm not even worried about ciggies...I've found them completely unappetizing but nevertheless, the easier of the the two.
Now I've only been drinking for 2 years. Pretty heavily after diagnosis with type 1 diabetes (I know, I know...I'm an idiot), and going through divorce.
I already have a diagnosis of bipolar, depression, and anxiety. Needless to say, I started drinking to escape from these things, diabetes, and divorce: just being seriously blunt with myself. I never had a chance to start enjoy drinking as a social thing, I was a closet drinker until April of this last year. Then when it became social I only drank cause I hate being around drunk people when I am not intoxicated.
And then again...I have diabetes.
You know you have a drinking problem when you have an illness where alcohol is the best way to end your life early, very early, as a diabetic.
Now it's my hunch that my diabetes cause all this moody non-sense and that it just exacerbates my already existing mood swings. So then I drink.
Like all fools I started the new year sober thinking I was gonna be clean. I "quit" the 4th....then drank yesterday. Ugh...the only good part is now I'm not craving it, as yesterday the cravings were unbearable. Depression and irritability like crazyyyyy. And then I walk myself in a spiral and think "well if I drink I'll be a nicer person and I wont have to deal with this mood swing. "
Silly and stupid....I know.
But this is my life. So I guess you can say that I have more of a drinking problem, I'm probably an alcoholic. I've taken the tests...I fit the mold...but after only drinking for two years? How? Why? Why can't I just be normal and settle on just a glass or two of wine and....not the whole dang bottle...like yesterday.
I don't like the me who drinks. He's an asshole, he's compulsive, he's impulsive, he's reckless, he's just needs to stop effing drinking.
I know that drinking has gotten in the way of relationships, friendships, and has facilitated my new living circumstance as my family did not appreciate seeing me getting slammered every night and told me to leave. I own all of this. The guilt of my foolishness is heavy.
But hey, today is a new day. Another start date for sobriety. I will not let the pressures of mental illness and diabetes drive the ironic drinking train I've been on.
I have some good things going for me...some really good things going for me but if I can't stay sober I'll either be dead in 10 years due to heavy drinking and diabetes or I'll be in the psych ward again from self sabotaging everything good I got going for me. Anyone have any pointers? Books? Sources? Should I really commit to AA and a sponsor? I'm afraid that AA will just be another place for me to find more drinking buddies like my ex-brother in law did. I'm afraid it wont help me and that there wont be anyone there who is honest about quitting and I'll be invited to the bar and then: game over, loss of hope. But anyways, anyone got some ideas?
I've only been drinking for 2 years (heavily, around a pint of rum and three tall boys or anything in between) so I figure slamming the breaks sooner is the best root as it may be easier to do so.
If you are really serious about staying sober, yes, then I suggest going to AA meetings. I have tried to quit many times on my own and have been unsuccessful. The sponsor is important as well. I would not rush into getting one right away unless you try and find a temporary sponsor for now. Try and pay close attention to the shares in the meeting, listen to folks who sound like they are happy and serene...not bitter and angry. Experience, strength and hope is what you should focus on looking for when you find a sponsor....not angry, griping and whining. (which I have done a lot of up until lately and which is a good reason I am not a sponsor now--that and I can't because I relapsed myself not long ago).
Your fear of finding drinking buddies in AA is probably unfounded. I have never been to a meeting and received an invitation to go out and have a beer(s) afterwards. A cup of coffee? Yes! Most of the people that attend meetings are there because they, like you, are tired of letting alcohol control them, their lives have been unmanageable. You are fragile right now and need to be around people who are serious about staying sober. Although I had a few newcomers as friends when I started AA, I could not be around people who went on and on about wanting and needing to drink.
I come to this board as well as attend meetings. There are quite a few folks on here who have helped me and I value their ESH.
The only person who can get you sober is you. If you really want to take care of your health, mend the problems in your relationships, have clearer and healthier thinking, it's up to you. The Big Book is what I think is one of the most important books for an alcoholic to read. I seriously doubt, however, that I could have gotten and stayed sober just by reading that, as important as it is. I have to have my meetings and be around other people like me, those things and my belief in God, who loves me and cares about me far more than I can comprehend, all help me stay sober TODAY.
1st of all, diabetes can be treated and you can live a somewhat normal life ... and like diabetes, alcoholism can also be treated ... but unlike diabetes, alcoholics are also 'spiritually sick' ... if you have decided you have an alcohol problem, and you need help, AA is your best chance, from my experience ... I drank from twenty years old to 55 years old .... I'm 63 now ... and lucky to be alive ... by the grace of God ...
1st of all, please go to some AA meet'ns and listen, with an open mind ... it won't cost you anything unless you care to add a dollar or two to the basket ... we are 'self-supporting' ... and most groups will say no need to contribute your first few meet'ns ... so it's free ... and it just may be the best decision you've ever made ...
You may hear some talk of need'n a higher power, mine is God, but you may choose your own to suit you .... you see, their is a higher power here on earth with us, it's just that we need to humble ourselves enough to know that it ain't us ...
Go ... listen ... look for what you can identify with ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The first thing is to clearly identify what the problem is, and doing that is going to require not drinking for a spell and talking honestly with your doctor. He won't be able to do much if you are not honest, and if you continue to drink you will likely defeat any medication.
It may be that if the bi-polar were treated, the need for drinking would disappear. Lots of people self medicate with alcohol, and when the thing they are medicating is properly treated, the alcohol problem goes away. I am not convinced from your post that you are alcoholic. I think your best course is to stop drinking and then seek treatment for the bi polar.
I sobered up one month short of my 18th birthday. Started drinking at 12 and was a full blown drunk by 15. Jails, institutions, overdoses, kicked out of schools and lost jobs. When I tried to stop, by the direction of the courts, or on my own. I couldn't.
Got help through AA. Met some who seriously wanted to get sober, met some who didn't. It was up to me who to hang out with. If you want the help of AA, it's there for you.
For what it's worth, I got sober in AA when I was still in my 20s. I've been sober in AA for 27 years now, and not once in 27 years have I met a new drinking buddy in AA nor has anyone in AA ever invited me to a bar. It's just not something you need to be concerned about.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Wednesday 13th of January 2016 01:02:25 PM
Don't be discouraged. I know many people in AA who deal with the same issues you do - diabetes, mental problems, and so on - and are sober and helping others. Yes! Go to meetings, and listen for members who seem to have what you want. Sometimes speaker meetings are a good idea, as usually you will be able to identify in some way with his/her experience, and that can open the door. Be teachable, be willing. My thoughts are with you!
