When I relapsed not long ago, I had decided I was not going back to AA the day I picked up again. I had "had enough" of sobriety. I allowed my depression and all over the place emotions get the better of me and I lost sight of what should have been my number one priority and that is to stay sober. Without getting into all the reasons I gave myself for drinking again, (I have posted quite a few, although not all of them, on this site under a previous user ID) I thought I had a damn good reason to drink again. I was amazed that the alcohol didn't taste as good as I remembered it had before and was not having the same effect on me. I didn't give up drinking right away and it took me a few more days --not back to back-- to realize that for some reason, my body was not feeling the same reaction to it as it once did. I wanted to feel all those things we alcoholics rely on when we drink to help me forget about how rotten I thought my life was. So I thought the next bottle was going to be different. It wasn't. Then the next, nor was it. All the stuff was doing to me each time I tried it was making me sicker and sicker. I couldn't figure out why this was. I didn't go back to drinking the same amount I was when I first got sober. I couldn't. I think it would have killed me to try it. The last time I drank I could not even get down a whole bottle. I used to be able to drink 2 bottles of wine, beer, hard liquor drinks all in one day...I was drinking over 20 drinks per day, every day before I got sober. I couldn't even get down one bottle of wine now? What the Hell was wrong with me? Why wasn't this stuff "working" anymore. I kept drinking it even though my taste buds were not enjoying it...even though my body was feeling awful. I had to stop. I didn't want to, I had to. I was so sick, a third of the bottle was poured down the sink by my guy roommate and I didn't care. I never poured out alcohol in the past..(and when others had threatened to and actually did pour my alcohol out, they had Hell to pay for it!) I didn't even feel a buzz and I was sick to boot. What a waste. I thought I was going to die that night.
The good thing is that it made me realize that I cannot drink anymore. It doesn't do anything for me anymore. I am glad it made me sick. I don't want it. But I am not so arrogant in my thinking to believe I will never pick up again. I don't trust myself.
The reasons I gave myself to drink, well, most of them have to do with things about other people. I got so wrapped up in relationship crap, and what others thought of me, what I thought others "did" to me. My mind turned all the things which had happened around and around. It was hard for me to pray to God and ask Him to help me. I felt unheard whenever I tried. I now know that I didn't want to forget about any of this stuff. I wanted to keep it up there so that I could feel the hurt and pain. I didn't want to forgive. I didn't want to forget. And if amends on my part were necessary for anything I did, I damn well didn't want to think about them, much less follow through with them. I truly felt like a victim and I think a part of me enjoyed being miserable. That led to me not doing a daily inventory, which really means I wasn't working the program the way it was intended to prevent relapse. So I relapsed.
It was hard going back to the meetings. I was already worried about what others thought of me. After I went in, shared in meetings that I went in and drank again....picked up a chip again..and kept the damn worrying in my head about what others were thinking about me...and drank yet again because the compulsion had kicked in, and had to go in and pick up another white chip and do it all over again....knowing I was going to be labeled as the "one chip wonder"...I kept doing it anyway, trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter what others think, it only matters what God thinks about me. I did receive some flack for drinking again. I got called "stupid". I got snubbed. I have lost friends which had been there for me, as I tried to be for them the whole time I was sober. It hurts like Hell. I felt like an outcast. I felt alone. I kept going back anyway because I truly want to stay sober. Even when I found out that someone was spreading a malicious lie about me and my alcoholism was telling me that I may as well drink again, I have stayed sober somehow. I thought to myself, "And I was worried about what others would think of me drinking again???? I am not going to have anyone left in AA that respects and cares about me once they hear this garbage about me."
I recalled something someone said when I was new in recovery and at one of the first meetings I was going to. She sat in the back and had a very serious look on her face. Her tone was equally as serious. She said that she left AA and didn't come back for a good while. Her feelings had been hurt. She said that because she was so consumed with what others thought of her it affected her sobriety. She said it was a long time before she was able to come back to AA and attend the meetings. She kept drinking and her life kept getting worse and worse. She said that eventually she realized that it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks of her. Then, her voice got loud and she shouted, "I don't care if all of you in here hate me! I am not going to allow that to keep me out of here and you cannot stop me from coming here! I want to stay sober!" I remember worrying about her and thinking others were going to get upset at her for exploding like that and saying what she did and it sure wasn't something I would ever have the nerve to do, although I admired her at the same time. It took courage. That's something I had never had that much of when it came to expressing my feelings to others.
Out of all the many shares I have heard while going to AA meetings, most of them forgotten, I have never forgotten hers. It was powerful. And it is the way I feel now. I still don't think I could say it, especially the way she did, in an AA meeting. I don't really feel the need to. I do agree with her and , "What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business" has become one of my favorite expressions in AA and I know that the only One I need to please is God. And as long as I keep that in mind, although I may be in a room full of people who detest me, I will not be "alone".
-- Edited by leavetherest on Saturday 2nd of January 2016 10:16:32 AM
You know how I feel 'bout others and what they think of me ... we discussed it enough ... and it does my heart good to see you this determined to make this change of think'n a solid change ...
I just wanted to reiterate that there is only one that you should be concerned about what they think of you, and you've already said it, that one is God, (may all find Him now) ... He was there when we went to the store and bought that bottle, watched us pay for it, was beside us when we went home and opened the thing up, and would have wiped our tears away if we'd have just allowed Him to, as we drank ourselves back to oblivion ... I've been there, hated everyone and everything, especially God ... YET, He was with me all those times and never left me ... I tried to leave Him ... but I have come to realize, that's an impossibility, He's beside us constantly, whether I like it or not ... only when I sobered up did I come to realize this all important fact of life ...
Through God, I can do all things ... and stay'n sober is at the top of my list ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Pappy, I certainly do know how you feel about that, as you tried harder than anyone to pound it into this thick skull of me. Countless messages between us and your enduring patience proved that.
Something else happened this a.m. which shook me a bit...well more than a bit. I won't get into it. (Breath a sigh of relief for that...LOL!) I just keep trying to pray to God, "Your will be done, if you want me to do anything about this, please let me know." My tongue has always been "trigger happy" and before my brain has had a chance to think things through, my tongue has been more than willing to get involved. This usually ends up making things worse. So I am dealing with holding all this crap in, going to God with it, and hoping for a quick fix. Hasn't happened yet. Hopefully, I will find the peace in my heart.
So I am really going to try so hard to do that "growing up" that you told me to do. I know that is needed, but the big kid in me wants to control things. I only hope that I can eventually learn to learn from this too. It is hard for me, though. As you know. I was supposed to meet with my sponsor the other day, but she had to cancel. I hope nothing happens today and that I can meet with her. Crazy thoughts are going through my head again, and I am scared of myself and I don't trust myself. All I have is God. I can trust Him.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Sunday 3rd of January 2016 10:15:16 AM
Early in my sobriety, I found myself say'n the Serenity Prayer frequently durin' the day, every day ... it was THE most important action I took back then ... and still today when things tend to get unraveled, I go back to it ... I cannot stress enough, to everyone early in sobriety, how very important this particular prayer is ... it ALWAYS put my mind at ease and my heart where it should be ...
No one has to look for God, he's with us everywhere we go ... the evidence is around every corner ... see my 'post' signature below??? ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I did say the Serenity Prayer--three times after that happened. I have to say that you are closer to God than I am or perhaps "more willing to hear Him" as I was looking for and didn't feel that "peace"....there is something going on with me right now......I mentioned it to my sponsor and told her that sometimes I don't feel like my prayers are heard. I think I am (maybe subconsciously) blaming my relapse on Him. I was praying everyday, sometimes several times a day to stay sober, thanking Him for keeping me sober. (And I really know it was my fault--not God's for my picking up again.)
My grandmother shared with me years ago about how distraught she was over losing her daughter. Grandma was in her 90's at the time of my aunt's death. She had four children in all. My dad had passed away due to his alcoholism when he was 64. His brother died in his early 20's--he was electrocuted when he was working for the power company. She had one son left and she said "You aren't supposed to outlive your kids." Then she said how she was so upset about losing her daughter and she said she did the only thing she knew how to do because she wasn't able to pull herself out of her grief and move on.....so she prayed. She said right after she started praying she felt this warmth and peace that she had never remembered feeling before. She said she was able to accept her daughter's death and get on with her own.
It was a very emotional and inspiring story for me. I am glad she shared. I'll feel that "peace" through prayer one day, Pappy---just like alcoholism, it's in my genes. I just HAVE to. LOL.
-- Edited by leavetherest on Sunday 3rd of January 2016 11:40:21 AM
When I was in early recovery there was an AA old-timer (Campsie Mick) that many people respected.
I was a bit afraid of him, as I was of anybody who could see more truth than me. So I never approached him.
Then one day I accidentally turned up early to the Campsie meeting. There was only Mick and I there. Mick was setting out the chairs, so I helped him.
After a while he asked me how I was. I became honest and said, "Not too good, nobody seems to like me." Mick said, "Well you must be doing something right then." He made me laugh.
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"... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of recovery." Dr. Silkworth. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed. p.xxix)
LTR .... there's an AA book appropriately called, 'A New Pair of Glasses' ... it's a good read ... it discusses the journey of one guy in AA that started viewing life and his situation differently after getting sober and the many 'truths' that came to his attention during his journey ...
When a person is determined to learn how to live a sober life, and they maintain their 'God consciousness' as it sez in the BB, then they start to 'see' and 'understand' what spirituality is all about ... they, after a while, begin to 'see' the outside world differently, as if, they put on a new pair of glasses ... and they simply don't fight 'change' anymore, they learn, they pray, and they start to live life as their HP would want them to ... and in time, it becomes a way of live'n that they most desire ... and it becomes the 'Peace and Serenity' they had sought for for so long ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
LOLOLOLOL!!! And you made me laugh, Part VII. Thanks for that. I just LOVE your postings!
And I will try to keep what you shared in mind when I am in a meeting or out of a meeting and have that same thought.
My sponsor told me she thinks it best I go to different meetings for a while after something else happened the other night. I told her the reason I have kept going to the same ones is because I didn't want to be chased out of my favorite meetings because of this lie someone told about me. Well, after the other night when something else happened in relation to it, and I changed my plans to go out on New Year's Eve night with her and some others because I was upset and afraid of breaking down in front of them. I came home, took off my fancy going out dress I spent a good while locating in one of my piles here, pressing, picking out shoes, jewelry, etc. All for nothing! I could have gone out, at least tried to dance sober (I was a "great" dancer when drunk) and been with loving caring people instead of with moody depressed ole me. Think I came to this board that night to help me feel better.
So I am taking her suggestion about attending other meetings. Now I am a bit concerned (trying not to use the word "worried") that ones at my usual meeting place will think I relapsed again. So when that pops in my head I am trying to catch myself and say...."Stop it! There you go again, too worried what others think!" I walked to my meeting today and on the walk back, I caught myself three different times thinking that. Wow! And it is only a 15 minute walk! So dealing with myself and my warped thinking is harder than dealing with other people and what I think they are thinking.
When I read the title in your posting, I laughed. I have about 6 pairs of glasses--all Dollar Tree reading glasses. I had put off driving for so long and knew before I got my license (have learner's permit now--need practice after years of not driving) I knew I would need an eye checkup. Well, the prescrip for contacts I wanted was wrong and I went back three times---every time no go. They seemed to work in the doctor's office and after I left and had been wearing them, my vision was all messed up again. So I figured if the darn dr. couldn't get my prescrip. right for the contacts, the prescrip. he gave me for glasses prob. was wrong too, so I never got that one filled. I have just kept wearing my cheapie Dollar Tree ones. I am always misplacing them, so since I have to have them for computer, reading work, I get another pair. There are 6 in this place.
So when I read the "A New Pair of Glasses" title, I thought....I have to get another New Pair of Glasses! LOL. (Well, I think it is funny anyway)
Hopefully, the "pair" you suggested will help me "see" more clearly. At least spiritually, that is.
Personally, I doubt I could read a whole book on the internet ... never tried though ... maybe I'm old fashioned but a book in hand is about the only way I'll read for any 'length of time' ... LOL ... most all AA groups carry a stock of Conference approved literature and usually put them out for display on a table at each meet'n ... that's where I accrued all my books over time ... I also bought many of the books Bill read before writing the BB ... (had to special order most of them though) ... (and they are not Conference approved) ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am going to search for one to buy off of the internet.....I am not into reading books on the internet....never got into it, hope I never get into it. Like you, Pappy, I like the feel of a good book in my hands. The AA meetings I go to don't have that large an array of titles and I am familar with the ones they have and have never seen the one you mentioned.
Thanks again for bringing it up....
LTR...(also could be used as Long Term Reader, too! :)
Thanks pappy, I will check out "A New Pair of Glasses".
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"... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of recovery." Dr. Silkworth. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Ed. p.xxix)
