Gossip

hopefulone · Senior Member

Gossip

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey H1, ... you should know by now, some of us ARE sicker than others ... it happens ... and you know by now "what other people think about me is none of my business" ... this situation will pass in time ... the truth has a way of emerge'n at the right time, you just need to be patient and let this blow over ... if this person has been 'this way' for a while, then surely others will begin to see this 'gossip' for what it really is ... BS ...

If you allow her to jeopardize your sobriety, then she has won ... and this is not a contest ... you must stick to your moral and ethical principals as well as you faith in work'n the AA program, else you will lose all you've worked so hard for ... show this other person that you have the bigger heart and you trust God to lead you through this mess ...

It really is your choice ... don't let them chase you away from the rooms ... show everyone you're strong enough to handle this ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

chris · Senior Member

Sounds like your typical AA high school BS. There are some who are WAAY sicker then others. There are people everywhere, not just in AA meetings, who can't feel good about themselves unless they're putting others down. I've learned over the years not to let anything get in the way of my sobriety, especially stuff like this. I am friendly in my meetings, but slightly distanced, and I have enough crazy in my own life, I don't need more of it from sick alcoholics.

Keep on keeping it on, this too will blow over when a newer juicier piece of gossip comes down the line.

hopefulone · Senior Member

And I feel like I am in high school. I am just so depressed. Thank you both for trying to help me.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

You have the tools ... use them ...

hopefulone · Senior Member

I know you are right. I am going to a meeting tonight. Don't want to, but know I have to so I won't continue being one of the "Sicker" ones. I haven't wanted to drink today, so that is the good thing--the best thing. Sure glad I didn't hear this a few weeks ago.

hopefulone · Senior Member

I am trying to tell myself that I am the lucky one in this. I would rather be the one who has bs told about me by another(others) than be the one who tells the bs. As long as I remember to behave in a way pleasing to God, I am going to be alright. I don't have the need to retaliate. Another good thing. I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel shame of intentionally hurting someone else. A third good thing. So I am trying to find positive things in all of this rather than be consumed by the negatives.

1.
View STEP SIX essay Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite ... 12&12 Step Six, p.67
Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too.

2.
View THE FAMILY AFTERWARD chapter ... gossip, laughter at the expense of other ... BB The Family Afterward, p.125
This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information.

3.
View HOW IT WORKS chapter ... gossip -- personal relationship; self esteem (fear). BB How It Works, p.65
Mrs. Jones -- she's a nut, she snubbed me; she committed her husband for drinking; he's my friend; she's a gossip -- personal relationship; self esteem (fear).

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

And some people think meetings will keep you sober?

H1, I thought of a few things in the book that might help, but you already found them. Isn't that amazing, you didn't retaliate, or run away, you went to the book, and you are going back to meetings. That is quite a change from the old way of reacting. As Pappy and others have said there are sick people in AA. You tried to help one, which is the kind of thing that will keep you sober. When she turned nasty, you didn't buy in, you followed the book, which is also the kind of action that will keep you sober. Here's the book's description of what you did:

"This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

Some alcoholics love gossip. It happened last week, an unfounded rumour started that one old timer was violent towards our service centre workers and is wasn't safe for women to go to the service centre. The source eventually made partial amends and the rumour died. Two or three years ago a rumour went round about me hitting on someone in AA who I didn't even know. One of the women told me, and said she thought it was very odd as I don't do that sort of thing. I found out about six months later what had happened, the "offender" went back out and has been at death's door ever since. Always, there is a spiritual price to be paid by the offender, I know that from when I was the offender. And there are great rewards for following the suggestions in the book and knowing we can stay sober in spite of anything if we trust God and clean house.

hopefulone · Senior Member

Thanks Fyne Spirit....This is probably the worst thing which has happened to me since I have been in AA. I was really fearful of breaking down, giving up and going out and getting a bottle. I have felt plenty of anger. This afternoon, the anger turned to depression and then tiredness set in. (And I am exhausted now.) I had to force myself to eat some stew I fixed to offset that "Hunger" thing in HALT as I had no appetite at all today and late this afternoon I was walking around, feeling less sensation in my body and "numb". I had trouble getting the key in the door and getting it locked when I left to go to a meeting. Simple things. My mind had been so consumed with what happened, it affected my body. I thought about taking one or two 2-1/2 year old anxiety pills I had leftover. I don't like pills. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking them when one needs them and they are prescribed by a physician. But I haven't been to a dr. in two years and these are old pills. I would have been taking them as a crutch and I am not so sure that isn't kind of like picking up a drink. So I passed on those.

I have realized that if I am where I should be spiritually, possibly when this woman told me what was said about me last night, I would have looked at her, laughed and said, "Really? How sad for her. I will have to remember to put her on my prayer list." I am obviously not "there" yet.

The meeting was a good one. It was at a different location. The topic was amazingly "right on" --most shares were about how people had been hurt by others and how they dealt with it. Amazing. I guess I have too much of that egomaniac in me---I thought that God actually planned and had that meeting just for me. LOL. And I didn't drink!!! Yayyyy! :) :) :)

Thanks for helping keep me sober, everybody.

hopefulone · Senior Member

Oh, and no, I didn't feel the need to share and vent tonight. I just tuned my channel onto "God" and listened.

hopefulone · Senior Member

I cannot change that woman or anyone else. I can change myself with God's help and my reaction to it. I am pretty sure that God does not condone this type of behavior.

Another thing this has taught me is that I really have to watch what I share about myself with others in AA. What was my part in all of this? I did have one: I did share with this woman last winter that this man had given me a ride to a meeting. An innocent ride with him turned into sex. Wow! I have been friends --like buddies--with him. He introduced me to my first sponsor. There is no romantic or sexual interest on either of our parts, so there is no chance of all the possible problems which go along with that type of relationship interfering and possibly damaging our relationship. However, I do not feel comfortable even talking to him in any meetings. He usually gives me a hug at the meetings --and I am going to let him know that is not a good idea anymore.

I will no longer accept any rides from him or any other men in AA. I too will be going to go to meetings and keeping a safe distance. My trust level is almost at zero now. What I do have left--is in God.

Anyway, it has been therapeutic for me to read more about it. I am still very hurt though. I still just cannot believe she did such a nasty thing and said that about me and cannot seem to stop tearing up. Now I feel like I know why so many people stopped speaking to me at the meetings and it didn't just have to do with my relapsing...."accept the things I cannot change"....."Bless (that person), change me".

Here is a great article about gossip in AA:

silkworth.net/melb/gossip.html

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

That was an interesting article. While I can agree with many points the author, I can't help but think she is a little liberal with what is suitable discussion material for an AA meeting, open or closed. I am mindful of the AA guidance "our stories disclose in a general way". I would never participate (or encourage) in detailed discussion about sex or criminal conduct for example. These things can be extremely damaging to individuals in so many ways. You never know who is listening, nor who might exploit such knowledge, but I guarantee there are groups with people who will exploit such knowledge.

The over enthusuastic newcomer who thinks, as I did, that every one in AA must be incredibly honest and on the program,and is indiscreet as a result. Such a person came to a meeting when I was new and disclosed certain deviant sexual activity in his past. He intended to be honest and open, but later realised what he had said and felt unable to return to AA. He committed suicide shortly afterwards.

My advice is to keep it general, be discreet. Save the detail for the people we Know we can trust. Incidentally, AA "does not wish to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct" it is a matter between the individual and God. Certain other issues are not the province of AA either and the book suggests we take these to people qualified to help us.

hopefulone · Senior Member

Good points Fyne Spirit. I agree--I wouldn't participate in those topics in meetings either. In fact, we had someone leading a meeting and who chose the topic for those meetings. He told me that I couldn't miss one particular meeting and he said the topic was going to be "Sex Inventory". I said I would try and make it. Well, I admit, that was a lie because although the meeting shares may have turned out to be fairly tame, I had no desire to attend a meeting which invited the possibility of hearing others share about their sex lives. I know it is part of our step work. It was difficult enough to think about sharing any intimate details like that with my first sponsor and I was told "I don't need or want to hear any detailed information when you do that part with me". Whew! I was relieved because I was told by others in AA that we had to share "everything" when we did our Step work. I am happy to say that for the last 2 and a half years I have done nothing which I have been ashamed of in that area, although I had opportunities from 13th Steppers and after I reached a year others who were interested. I let them know right away ....."I cannot do that! I was loose in my school days and got teased and called names. I now have more respect for myself than I have ever had in my life. I am not going to do anything like that which will make me feel bad about myself." I told myself that I cannot do anything like that unless I am in a committed love relationship with that person.

That is why this lie that this woman told is so hurtful. If I was loose, it probably would not hurt me as much.

emmi331 · Veteran Member

hopefulone, as has been said here, we have some extremely "sick puppies" in AA. We have no control over their behavior, even when it is turned on us. I'm willing to bet the AAs who have been around for a while recognize this woman for the sick, sad individual she is, and avoid involvement in her chaos. I am glad you are doing the same. The few AAs who have bought into her nonsense are not worth the effort of worrying about.

I hope you will NOT give her power over you by being depressed, sad, or dwelling on your anger. As we are taught, there is a Power greater than alcohol, than our fears, than other people. I can only suggest this, but I would surrender this situation to your HP as you understand your HP, and ask for the strength and the willingness to let it go.

I don't believe anyone should chase you out of a meeting (I confess I've let this happen to me), BUT since you are fairly new in sobriety, if there are other meetings you can go to that this woman does not attend, I would stick to those, simply so you won't be distracted and to give you some peace of mind. It sounds like you found a good meeting recently that you got a lot out of, which is a great start.

There is a large meeting in my area that I avoid, because it's notorious for ongoing "drama", mostly caused by gossip. (Your former friend would probably love it!) Who needs it? There are too many other meetings to go to where the winners are.

You've done the right thing by going to the Big Book and trying to find other places you can attend meetings. And remember, some day you may be able to help a woman who's going through the same kind of misery caused by gossip, and you will be able to share your experience, strength and hope with her.
Always keep this in mind, and stay strong.

hopefulone · Senior Member

emmi331,
Thank you so much for your encouraging post. I know that I have not been praying enough to let this go and turn it over to Him. In fact, I don't think I have included letting it go at all in my praying. I don't know why. Maybe a part of me is scared if I let it go then I will be vulnerable again to this kind of thing. I think I want to be mad so I am not nice to her. Who knows? I'm sick too, I admit.

I went to a great meeting tonight and one I have never been to which my sponsor suggested I attend. I plan on going back to it. I am not sure if I will be attending the meetings where this happened this coming week. I will be praying for guidance. I don't want to be chased out of the meetings either. I love these particular ones and things have happened (not this bad though) and I have almost quit--and because of this same woman. I have managed to go back in. I just am not sure if I can do it this time. I'm hoping God will let me know.

That meeting you mentioned sounds very sad. I never knew there were particular meetings where this kind of thing is greater or happens more regularly. I have not developed many close friendships. My picker has been broken and I have chosen people who, like this woman, have controlled and manipulated me. I am not as "nice" as I used to be. I cannot be. I have heard all my life that I am "too nice" and people take advantage of me. Not anymore. I am going to the meetings, keeping to myself and leaving. I will talk to my sponsor and if others approach me I will not be rude, but I will not be like I have been in the past and feel like I have to be nice to people because I "have to be" so they will like me. I don't care who likes me. I just want to stay sober. This isn't a popularity contest. I now believe that more than ever.

Thanks again for your suggestions. I hope that you are right about me being able to help someone in the future who may have a similar problem. At least something positive will come out of it.