I have been in recovery for a short while 39th day. My dilemma is regaining trust which has been damaged by my alcoholism. I currently rent a house with my partner my name is not on the rent book and I would like to have a legal stand on tenancy. We also have a joint account which my salary goes in to but hers goes in to her own accounts which I used to have access to. I would like to arrange for my salary to go on to my own account and transfer my share of the household bills in to joint account and for her to do the same am I being unreasonable. My partner says I am pushing her to say things she doesn't want to say like I can't trust you yet or its to fast am I being unreasonable
Yes, perhaps you are ... patience 'Grasshopper', patience ...
My dad took me out of his 'will' for the same reasons you are bring'n up here ... he lost all trust and faith that I would use my inheritance wisely ... my wife took over our joint bank'n account and soon started her own separate account as well ... Here's what happened Fenners, it took me being sober about three years before my dad finally felt I was serious about my sobriety and put me back in his 'will', and about 5 years before my wife finally thought I was go'n to indeed, stay sober, and she put me back on our 'joint' bank account ... ... ...
What I put my family through was noth'n but pure 'HELL', so I deserved all the treatment they dished out to me ... I had tried and failed to stay sober for so long, nobody trusted me one iota ... it may take years to regain the kind of trust you wish to have ... one slip, and you start from the beginning all over, then it will take even longer, or you simply die from alcohol poisoning ... (which I very nearly did ...) ...
What you are go'n through is normal ... take things in this department very slowly, don't put pressure on your loved ones to make them feel bad for not trust'n you ... we must earn their trust ... and that won't happen over night, nor in just a few months, well, not usually ...
I'm tell'n you this out of love ... I pray you understand and don't make a big deal outta things ... think about it ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
By the time I got sober, I had hurt everyone who cared about me, over and over again, and completely lost their trust. For all those years before I quit drinking, I would make promises, like promising to show up for a family event, or promising to pay back some money they had loaned to me, or promising to stop drinking, etc. and time after time they would trust me and then they would get hurt AGAIN because I simply was not trustworthy when I was still drinking.
I had become a 'bad emotional investment', meaning that if you trusted me or if you cared about me, you would get hurt and you would be let down and disappointed.
It takes time for the people in our lives to allow themselves to get to the point where they can become willing to trust us again. And for good reason. It would not have been reasonable for me to just expect them to trust me completely right away in my early sobriety. I had to stay sober for a while and keep giving everyone in my life (and give MYSELF) some real evidence that this sobriety wasn't just a temporary phase, I was really staying sober and really doing what needed to be done to CHANGE and to make sure I never hurt anyone like that ever again. And that evidence came from the twelve steps, and it came with some time and some patience and some consistent steady progress. And it is worth it. Keep up the good work, even though it sometimes seems slow and frustrating. Keep it up. It is worth it.
I am going through what you are Fenners. I hope in time you will be able to come up with a mutually agreeable solution with your partner. I thought you said in your previous posts that she drinks too? Did I remember wrong? If both people in a relationship were drinking than there are probably trust issues on both sides, unless possible one of them is not an alcoholic.
And I think it is very reasonable for you to be able to make decisions about money you earn. I think part of sobriety is learning how to be more responsible and less dependent on others. It has really hurt my independence as well as my self-esteem by not having a say-so about my own money at times. And it was going on the whole time I was sober and still is. I could get into all the things which have happened as a result of someone else controlling my income, but I won't. (You're welcome.)
There are three AA sayings found at the end of The Family Afterward, specifically intended to help us in our relations with our families. Here they are.We have three little motos which are apropos. Here they are:
I am going through what you are Fenners. I hope in time you will be able to come up with a mutually agreeable solution with your partner. I thought you said in your previous posts that she drinks too? Did I remember wrong? If both people in a relationship were drinking than there are probably trust issues on both sides, unless possible one of them is not an alcoholic. And I think it is very reasonable for you to be able to make decisions about money you earn. I think part of sobriety is learning how to be more responsible and less dependent on others. It has really hurt my independence as well as my self-esteem by not having a say-so about my own money at times. And it was going on the whole time I was sober and still is. I could get into all the things which have happened as a result of someone else controlling my income, but I won't. (You're welcome.)
Trust begets trust. It seems likely that there is a relationship between how much we are trusted and how much we trust others. Perhaps the lack of trust afforded you, H1, is a causal factor in your distrust of many (most?) of the people you interact F2F with in AA as you have described here in multiple threads?
For some of us, unfortunately, it's easier to distrust, harder to trust. In the beginning, at least, it is probably better the other way round. Probably a LOT better.
