I hope that anyone who has relapsed does not let shame, guilt and/or embarrassment keep them from coming back to the meetings. I almost let all of those things keep me out. When I had relapsed in the past, it took me years to go back for fear of others knowing I went out. I felt weak, like a failure/loser and I felt like no one had any respect for me at all. I don't think I have another "few years" of being out and drinking left before it catches up with me. When I stopped drinking over 2 years ago before I relapsed, I was up to over 20 drinks a day. I read somewhere that you can go into a coma from drinking around 22 drinks.
I have heard people with alot more sobriety time than I had say that if they picked up again, they would be too embarrassed to come back. This doesn't have to be that way. It makes no difference what others think or we think they think about us when a relapse occurs. What matters is not letting our fears overwhelm us and fighting this disease by doing whatever we have to do to stay alive. And I know now that I am neither a "loser" or a "failure" for having relapsed. I am an alcoholic.
It did. While you were writing it - you were listening. It helped you. That helps everyone else as a natural byproduct.
I relapse all the time. Just not with alcohol. But alcohol isn't and wasn't my only problem. Holding grudges ;) Yelling at my kids. Seeking revenge. Etc etc etc. Those were my root problems. I did what I knew to survive... I didn't know better sometimes, and sometimes I just didn't have the tools to get myself out of that barbaric fight flight freeze thinking ---- before acting.
And when a ton of these survival skills start piling up - and I start holding them all against myself I start getting weighed down with guilt and shame and resentment.
When the weight is too much... I need to seek relief from it somehow ---- or killing myself seems the only other option. Relief for me came in the form of alcohol, food, shopping, sex, controlling others, chewing my nails among other things. ANYTHING to distract me from ME - my guilt and shame and resentment.
All of the 'symptoms' - the shopping, eating, drinking etc... that I used to SURVIVE in this dysfunctional world, the human condition and my distorted perception of what people do to cope (from the way I watched my parents do it, or people on tv do it) were simply surface issues. Pair that with a set of extremely skillful and adaptive epigenetic factors for some of these things, and I am just a puddle.
But the human race needs all of it. All of the variety it comes out with. It just so happens that the garden variety drunk isn't really needed right now on the time line of humanity. Food and things and pleasure are plentiful. For me, being epigentically predisposed to be the impulsive 'gonna go get it right now' type, instead of the one who might wait and let this deer pass because a bigger one might come along type.............. well you get the point... you can read the research too - it's all out there lol.
In AA the focus is on spiritual concepts, and in my opinion and experience, living the steps and principles have done a dandy job of allowing me to keep the slate clean - or my side of the street tidy.
I don't expect myself to be perfect anymore - I don't need to be. I love myself unconditionally through all of it, like an all loving Higher power would.
When people say - today is truly the only day that counts - I agree. The 24 hour book stated it nicely a few days ago... we never truly lose what we've learned. And I believe - it is ALL learning, and we are all equals.
xo
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Wen i was new it wasnt the words of wisdom that kept me coming back it was that statement and how the people in the fellowship were kind to me , and offer me help,
HAPPY SOBER HOLIDAYS
-- Edited by BLUESMAN on Wednesday 9th of December 2015 11:57:48 AM
Hope you have a great holiday, too, bluesman. Always good to read your postings on here.
And jad....Hooray and Super duper WOW! (I had to use the "date" titled emoticon---it was the only one of smiling folks I could find signifying "love".)
I love what you said about being able to "wipe the slate clean" each day. I have kinda been doing that by giving myself a choice about whether I am feeling happy or sad. That has helped. I really need work on the other things, though. And I never really thought about relapsing in other ways......I sure have...procrasination for one. Although I have always put stuff off, so maybe that is something else. Jealousy--I was doing so much better for a good while, and did slip back into it and the grudges--yep, that'd be me. Although since being sober I am not nearly as bad as the months before my relapse, so I have been able to let things go more. You have given me some "food" for thought that is for sure.
Good stuff...really good and like I have said before you certainly have a wonderful way with words....a gift which I appreciate so very much you sharing.
(I had to use the "date" titled emoticon---it was the only one of smiling folks I could find signifying "love".)