Hello there! I am new to this. I have been attending meetings for about eight months, and have a great home group. I have been able to string together nearly 2 months of sobriety. I have a great sponsor, and am working very hard to live a clean and sober life, to get my life back. My number one problem is the one who should be my number one supporter, but instead is lost in his own addictions, my husband!
I am so confused on what my next step should be. I am looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation. My husband still continues to drink, and it scares to beegeezees out of me. We have been on a continuous cycle for many years of trying to slow down our drinking, but than always returning to the inevitable end of hurt and pain that this disease brings you to. The only difference this time is that I truly want to end this cycle. Him not so much, and it is SO frustrating. I am truly at a point that I need to decide to either give up on the marriage because of alcohol, or stay in it in the hopes that someday he will see that the cycle needs to end. I know that if I stay in the marriage at this point, I am only putting myself in harms way of returning to the vicious cycle that I am trying to get away from.
If anyone out there has any experience, strength and hope on this topic it would be greatly appreciated! I am so grateful to have the support of a great sponsor, and home group. They say that it will play out with time, which I agree with. I am just really struggling with this situation tonight. Thank you for reading.
Your situation is not unusual. I drank with my wife for many years. When I embarked on a journey of recovery, she did not follow. It was rough and unpleasant. I knew two things: I needed to stay sober and I couldn't stop her from continuing to drink.
We divorced a year after I got sober. My sobriety become more important than marriage.
To deal with the effect of bubby upon your life, you might consider Alanon. We have an Alanon discussion forum at:
http://alanon.activeboard.com/
They have online meetings there, too.
You can always share here about anything involving recovery. Best wishes to you.
I don't think anyone here would want to advise you to end your marriage so early in your journey. It is one of those things that only you and God can decide on, and I would hate to be the caue of you doing something that you later came to regret.
It is very difficult for cohabiting alcoholics to get sober together. Even if they both stopp at the same time, they will most likely grow at different rates, and this will cause increasing tension in the long run. One thinks the other is going to slow, and the other thinks the opposite. Of course you are in recovery and he is not, so you already know about the tension.
The only thing I can suggest is a temporary separation to allow you to get your feet properly under the table and get well enough to work out what you want to do in the future. This would not permanently shut any doors, though it will still be difficult for both of you. While I don't know your case in particular, I have seen similar instances in the past. The typical pattern is they both struggle until one dies, then the other gets well. Often it is the one who is trying to get well that dies, and the one who was dragging the chain that recovers. There was one recently where the partner got locked up, then the other was able to recover. It seems to be very difficult for active alcoholic couples to find sobriety together. I am sure it happens, I've just never seen it.
Sorry for being so brash. I'm trying to work on not holding my feelings in.
In all seriousness, it's really hard to live with someone who drinks, when you're trying to abstain. In addition to the fact that it may be tempting for you to have a drink, you also have to put up with a drunk. I know for me, when I quit, being around drunk people was annoying. It's no big deal when you're drinking, too, but when yer not, it's no fun. So, not only that you may be tempted to drink for enjoyment, but you may find yourself needing a drink just to be able to not go insane by being around someone who is drunk. And, if you continue to drink, you'll probably go insane anyway. Yer damned if you do, damned if you dont.
Like Tanin said "my sobriety became more important than marriage".
I've never been married, so, I don't know how important it is, but, to me, there's absolutely nothing more important than staying off the drink. Without that, I wouldn't be very fun to be married to, anyway.
-- Edited by Baba Louie on Wednesday 9th of December 2015 01:20:13 AM
-- Edited by Baba Louie on Wednesday 9th of December 2015 01:22:47 AM
Boy, Baba...that was a bit "strong" (the bastard part)...
I am not going to suggest you leave your husband, OP. I am not a therapist. I would suggest that you consider going to one to get help. It is difficult to maintain your sobriety while living with a drinker. Good luck to you.
Welcome to MIP Kbert, ... glad you're here with us ...
So far, I think Pickle(Tanin) has the best suggestion ... I agree that you should participate in both AA and Al Anon meet'ns ... Al Anon will give you the tools you need to see this disease from the other side of the fence, so to speak ... and I wouldn't change anything in your relationship for the next year unless things get violent ...
This web site has a great Al Anon board I'm told ... be worth check'n it out ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
