My mom used to say she guessed she didn't deserve anything nice ... when one of us kids broke something of hers ...
My 'post' signature used to say "I'm better than I deserve" ... and I still say that to this day when someone asks 'How are you?' ... it catches people a little off guard, LOL ... but the truth is, what I have, I consider to be by the 'grace of God' ... I've never been close to be'n a saint, LOL ... ... ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm glad you removed that signature and stopped saying that. Maybe "I'm better than I expected." You deserve the best.
That doesn't mean I should expect romance, health, money, etc - but it means I can accept that God loves me and wants me to have true abundance: peace, self-esteem, etc
I left my top post open-ended by just using the word "they" so people can fill in the blank with whomever they choose. In my case it was my parents, especially my mother, then later many other people who felt less than too, and tried to convince me I am or deserve nothing.
I felt very undeserving of all the good things that came my way in sobriety. When I thought about the reason, I came to the conclusion that I felt undeserving because I was undeserving. I never did anything to deserve the life I have today.
But I have since learned something else. Being deserving, or worthy are not requirements for God's love. In fact the opposite seems to be true. The unworthy are the worthy ones, the undeserving, the deserving ones.
I have dealt with abject jealousy from a young age. It began when I was 8 due to my father having a position some people must've felt inadequate in comparison to. To me, he was just my Dad, and he was a sincere young man. I remember how angry and hurt I was at the names he was being called by some other kids. The kids I hung out with though weren't like that.
Then when I entered AA I remember being bullied and gangstalked by other girls. I was a perfect "victim". My fear showed and that made me a target. For men too. I was really messed up by the time I started the steps.
I saw that God loved me very much in the steps. And I came to understood through His Love that others were doing the best they could. Today I realize they didn't get a lot of things I got in childhood.
I also dealt with extreme metal abuse from my parents though, and that's where my fear and shame came from.
So my life today is about not letting others tell me who I am, not internalizing things, not reacting, being honest fearlessly and not apologizing for that.
Like you, I KNOW I deserve a lot. I deserve everything good. Of course I have to live honestly and help others first.
God lives us so much. Life is short.
I've always been told I was a good person; I just needed some faith.
