SO is an alcoholic; having a hard time w/ my parents

mintchase · Newbie

SO is an alcoholic; having a hard time w/ my parents

hopefulone · Senior Member

First of all I would suggest that you attend Al-Anon meetings. They will help you tremendously.

It is rather pointless to try and convince your folks about alcoholics and the control thing. They are drinkers. Whether or not they are alcoholics--only they can know. I will tell you that if they are drinking "alot every night", the need to convince themselves that they don't have an issue with it could be the reason comments like that are made.

My dad was an alcoholic. I too was very ignorant about alcoholism. I made similar comments your dad made. I thought "disease"???? You've got to be kidding! My dad can control his drinking! That is just an excuse made up in someone's mind and justification so that heavy drinkers have an excuse--something to blame so they do not have to accept responsibility for their own drinking. It wasn't until I started drinking heavily myself and everyday and was powerless to stop drinking on my own, despite many attempts to try and do so, that I realized I was wrong.

I am glad that your wife is in AA. I don't feel there is anything wrong that you shared with your folks that you are concerned about their drinking. I did that with my dad. It didn't do any good to help him stop. He died from his drinking. It did help relieve the guilt I would have felt had I not said anything. I learned from AA that there is nothing I can do to make someone stop drinking or even cut back on their drinking. Just like there was nothing anyone could say to my dad or to me. I am glad I finally got into AA and got help.

There are things you are doing and can do to help....continue to be supportive of your wife. I think it is great you do not keep alcohol in the house when you drink. That can be extremely difficult for an alcoholic in recovery. I just got back from a trip where there was alcohol in the house. I was concerned about myself drinking it. I made it and it made me feel great about myself so it was a good test to me to let me know I have alot more strength than I thought I did. I have over 2 years sobriety. Never have I been around alcohol for that length of time since my sobriety. I would not be wanting to look at it every day, however. I don't know if I have THAT much strength and certainly don't want to find out. I seriously doubt I do. So good for you that you don't keep it in your home.
Another thing you can do besides being supportive of your wife is to take care of yourself. By going to Al-Anon meetings you will learn that it is not your responsibility to take care of your parents drinking. It will relieve you of the burden of trying to do so.

Thanks for posting. I am sure so many can relate to your post and it has helped them. I hope it has helped you.

-- Edited by hopefulone on Tuesday 15th of September 2015 07:20:29 AM

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Wow mintchase, ... I think hopefulone made some excellent observations and suggestions ...

Your fiancee having 2 1/2 years sober AND being active in AA says a lot about her ... AND I think hopefulone is right about your parents subconsciously being concerned of their own drinking patterns ... if they aren't alcoholic, then they're approaching that point of being so ... they may just be heavy drinkers ... Docs say that more than 2 drinks per day indicates alcoholism ... so your parents very well indeed may be struggling with that issue ... (and that is only a personal decision that can be done by the individual themselves ...) ...

If it were me? ... think I'd leave the subject matter alone and let your parents say what they will ... sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and can let any derogatory statements roll off your back ... let 'common sense' guide your thoughts and decisions ...

Take Care and God Bless,
Pappy

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I would say DO NOT GO TO ALANON. That will really taint your idea of what an alcoholic is - and there is a LOT of bad mouthing and put downs, and even for the most intelligent person, you can get an even worse picture than what hollywood paints. The picture I had before learning about AA was exactly the same as yours. The picture after attending AA was great. The picture after attending alanon was terrible and I actually began to feel bad to be classified with these people I was hearing about in Alanon. And yes = people exaggerate, and try to 'one up' to see who can get the most pity... but even though I knew this intellectually, It was emotionally crushing. Where you have a fine take on it currently, I wouldn't suggest ruining it.

Alanon was helpful for me in that I lived with an adult child of dysfunction who was just as 'messed up' as me in the beginning of our recovery journey - and I needed to learn to put the focus on myself. After learning that, there was no value in alanon, I actually got 'sicker' mentally for going.

There are wonderful alanon books, but the fellowship is a mess. I would consider my black and white thinking on this, and I used to think it was just our town... but I have experience now to say that unfortunately, the movement as a whole is quite dysfunctional.

Luckily - there is a fellowship that is for people who have been affected by any sort of dysfunction, including the dysfunction in alanon, some churches, alcoholic or heavy drinking families, people who have grown up in a sick society in general, people who grew up with a family member who had chronic illness of any kind etc etc etc.

It is called 'Adult children of Dysfunction'. It's a blanket term - for any dysfunction, not to be confused with ACOA which is adult children of alcoholics, although ACA does welcome any child who grew up with alcoholism (or any other ism such as living with a hoarder, over eater, perfectionist, OCD etc etc'.

Discovering the root of your own issues, whatever they are, and however minor can be liberating. We all try to eat a healthier diet these days, get a little exercise (or at least think about it lol), but many fail to be sure their emotional and spiritual health is being nourished and exercised. ACA is a great outlet for that - there is a board like this on this site - and there are 12 step meetings you can attend... books... facebook groups etc.

The other thing I think will be great for you is to attend open AA meetings with your fiance' or speaker meetings. The great thing is there you will see for yourself what an alcoholic in recovery looks like. Of course it's not a group of perfect humans. No group of humans is perfect... but hearing about it from the alanon side is at times horrifying and the people there are dealing with the worst case scenarios, and that is all you hear about. Very few people who live with a happily recovering/recovered alcoholic attend those meetings to show up and tell how wonderful life and their relationship is. Who would bother with that honestly? So the picture is so not realistic, and so extreme and drama filled. Much like any news cast - everyone talks primarily of the drama, the bad stuff... the stuff that will excite. Then at the end of the news show you'll hear 'and look at these 3rd graders... they are just so cute' and that is all you get for positive. Pretty soon you start thinking the world is a pretty bad place and can even get paranoid. I haven't watched the news for years... and you know what... the world is a pretty great place. Full of really kind generous people. I see the real picture, and the picture that I can do something about - what is before me in any moment. I can do the best I can with what I have in my now. There is a lot to be hopeful about.

Best wishes friend, I wish you luck in your quest for peace. It is entirely possible xxxhugsxxx

hopefulone · Senior Member

Really? I have never heard of any of that. I am sorry that has been your experience with Al-Anon. I know quite a few people who attend it on a regular basis who have had and are having good experiences with it. Some are AA'ers who attend both meetings. I suppose it is like AA meetings, where there are some that are not as helpful as others.

I just spoke to a woman at our AA picnic and her husband is a recovering alcoholic and she is in Al-Anon and said that it has really helped her.

Everyone sure has a right to their opinion. OP, I would do your own research and form your own.

hopefulone · Senior Member

I just did some research because I was just telling a fellow alcoholic this a.m. that I would hate to suggest anything "harmful".....

Here is a link where people have posted their experiences with their first Al-Anon meeting:
al-anon.org/Podcasts/FirstSteps/how-did-i-feel-at-my-first-al-anon-meeting

....and going to an open AA meeting is an excellent suggestion which justadrunk gave.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Yes - great words hopefulone... nothing is hurtful in that is it all learning. And we do each need to experience and decide for ourselves. This is my opinion of it, which I formed from my own experience, and I am grateful for that experience, and getting it. It's clearly not a black and white thing.

Today - I am aware that it would be harming me to go as it would be a step backward - for me. I am working toward maintaining my spiritual condition daily. Spirituality was not something I found in Alanon. I also did not find people working the steps. I found a lot of self pity, victim thinking, and looping of the same sorrow filled stories - loaded with blame and shame. I felt it important to take what I like and leave the rest. So I had to leave alanon be what it was - a stepping stone. xxxhopefulonexxx

-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 15th of September 2015 11:09:13 AM

hopefulone · Senior Member

So many things you have said, jad, I still have come to my mind. You have really helped me by your openness and willingness to share what you have learned.

and btw, I certainly would not have gone back to meetings like you went to myself. Sure don't want to leave feeling worse than better. I do go to meetings in AA where that pity stuff and blaming goes on and I cannot wait to get outta there.

I do have to take a break and go to others. Speaking of meetings, I need to get to one. Been over a week and usually I am "sitting in a tree chomping nuts" when I go this long :)

Love ya.