I remember very well my first months in recovery.  I went to my first meeting with a determination to do what I had to do so that by the end of a year I would be fine and 'graduate'. I looked and listened to everyone who was sharing, and I looked at the people who had obviously been in the program for a long , long time and I thought that it must be that somehow they just weren't getting it and had to repeat.. like a grade school kid repeats 3rd grade. They should at least look like they made some kind of progress, right?  What were they still doing struggling?!  Not me, I'm gonna work hard and be done with it.

Well,  at the end of that year, I had to admit that it was going to take another year. I started noticing the people who were saying that recovery is a lifetime thing. humph!

Well, the end of the 2nd year I was familiar enough with the STeps and slogans to be able to work them as needed. But I felt like my life was now going well enough that I could stop attending meetings and just remember it all as I went to work and all the daily life things.  I wasn't going to be dependent on the program, and I was ready for life.

Years went by, and I did remember to work the Steps as needed, and I did continue to grow..  some. but then...  there came a couple of real rough spots, real challenges.  It's not just the craving for drink,,  but the feeling like I've hit a brick wall,,  reached the end of my rope,,  drawn on all the resources I have, both inner and outer and it's not enough. I had to admit again,,,  Step 1,,, powerlessness.  Time for the next level of recovery. Back to the meetings.

Well,,  now,, I'm beginning to understand a little better what some of these people are still doing here,,, cuz now here I am,, back.  "Keep coming and more will be revealed" .  More was revealed, and I did get to my next level of recovery,,,  and I stopped attending meetings again, though I did practice the principles that I now learned, and things went along for a long time,,,  until I met and got involved with another alcoholic and got into a relationship.

The relationship started out wonderfully. but then conflicts arose as he didn't respect my recovery, and his demands were a threat to mine. At first we agreed to disagree.  I did try to 'carry the message', but he didn't want to hear it. I don't think he meant to, but he got to triggering a lot of my unresolved issues.  We started really arguing, and it looked like a break up was near.  I really cared about him, and felt very sad to see him taking the direction he was, which was further into addictions,,, and I told him that if that was his choice that I could not go with him,, but we would have to go our separate ways.  I felt frustrated, sad, inadequate, guilty,,,,,,  and started to want to drink again, escape somehow...    my recovery was challenged again and I was overwhelmed. What to do?   Back to the meetings to get to the next level of recovery. "Keep coming and more will be revealed"

Then, I felt like I was doing really well,,, lots of things were falling into place,,, good things happening. The holidays came, and one day I was passing by a liquor store and I thought,,,  why not celebrate my success and show that i've finally graduated?  so I went in and bought some of my favorite - Harvey's Bristol Creme.  Well,  but after the second drink I got all maudlin,, that was Christmas 2004.  I went back to the meeting humbled. Someone said that sometimes we go out and do some research,, and asked me what I learned.  I learned that recovery is a lifetime process.

Well, now I understand why these old-timers are still coming, learning,  and sharing, and aren't graduated yet. And I also understand why some sponsors tell their newbies to shut up and listen for the first year.

It may be simple, but it is deep, and it shore ain't easy.

love in recovery,

amanda