I hear shares in the rooms "I no longer have the desire to drink" or "The craving for alcohol has been removed" or "I got this". I wonder how many of those shares are on the up and up. I find it easy for me to become judgmental when I hear people say things like those. Then I hear shares from oldtimers about how they still think about drinking when they have a rough day. I relate more to these shares and feel like I am more "normal" (LOL).
I know I have to be vigilant about my own sobriety every day so I don't give myself a reason to go out and drink. Just a few days ago someone said something to me that hurt me. Rather, I let it hurt me. I really don't know what that person meant. I barely know them. When something is said to me and I don't think to or don't have the courage to ask them what they mean, I have the tendency to fill in the blanks. Bad habit. I usually try and come with different things they could have meant. Some negative, some positive. And I usually conclude that they must have meant something negative. I don't know why I have always done that--even before my drinking days. Then I have built this whole thing up in my head that the person must not think very much of me to be "thinking" and "saying" that to me. Maybe I think it is pretty clear cut and someone says something angrily to me. I don't like confrontation. I usually "let it go" as far as standing up for myself. Honestly, I don't let it go--not in my head anyway. I will go on being nice and pleasant to the person who yelled at me or called me stupid, dumb, etc. All the while, I silently stew inside when around that person and the hurt and pain I feel inside is allowed to become greater and greater. Sometimes I am able to pray about it right away and think rationally (very hard for this alcoholic to do as I seem to enjoy beating myself up). I have to tell myself frequently that I am not a mind reader. I really have no idea what someone else is thinking. I really have no idea of what that other person has going on in their own life that has caused them to lash out at me unless they tell me. And really--that is their stuff--not mine, unless I choose to get involved.
There have been a few times in my sobriety that I have almost let "other people" give me a reason to pick up a drink. When I was drinking I blamed others all the time. "Well, if someone else had a mom like me, they'd drink all the time, too--she is so controlling"; "OMG, my kid is such a spoiled brat, I cannot wait until 5:00 comes so I can drink"; "My husband is not paying enough attention to me, I am going to get a bottle"; "Such and such is an insensitive (bleep)--I am going to get drunk and get it out of my head." I had a ton of resentments before I got a sponsor and worked the Steps. I am not home free now, however. I still have to get rid of resentments every day. It is my sobriety and no one elses for which I am responsible. And I have learned since being in AA that no one else has the power to keep me sober by their actions and words. No "thing" can cause me to drink unless I choose to.
So now, in order to stay sober I have to remember where my AA "tool box" is. Sometimes I misplace it and it takes me a few days, maybe a week or so to find it. I cannot just know where I keep it, step over it, shove it out of my way or stare at it blindly without opening it up. I need to open it during times when anything bothers me--at all--no matter how seemingly "small" or "petty" it seems. If something is irritating, depressing, fearful to me at all I need to open my tool box and pull out those tools, one by one. Maybe it is reading the Big Book or another AA related book. Maybe it is prayer (this is the tool which I use the most in my tool box and ask for God's guidance in the matter and the power to let go of whatever it is bothering me). Calling another AA member, attending a meeting, helping another alcoholic are all tools in my box. All these things are going to keep me from having the desire to drink today. I love my AA tool box and I know that as long as I remember to use it on a daily basis, it will keep me alive.
What a great share, H1. Thank you for that. I can relate to many of the feelings and thoughts you described. It's great that you (and we) have that AA toolbox to help in our lifelong repair job related to sobriety.
I can only add the thought that sometimes we can also use tools from other sources, from other toolboxes. In early sobriety I had the opportunity to seek help from the therapy world and it helped me to learn how to deal with some of the difficult issues you raised. So, I have a mental health toolbox that sets right next to my AA toolbox. And I can use whichever is most appropriate. There is some overlap, but the tools aren't the same.
You sound remarkably like someone else I have come to know and love in the rooms and on this board ... (all good) ... It does take time for us to accumulate the tools necessary for carrying us forward in sobriety ... and it has taken me years to get accustomed to using them on a daily basis .... but my life is so much better than I could have ever dreamed of by using my simple toolbox ...
I also wanted to highlite your statement r.e. nothing anybody ever says OR does can make me upset unless I choose to let it ... AA taught me that and I sleep like a baby ever since I learned to live the program ... great stuff ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
