OK I realize this might sound dumb to most of you but I went to residential for 30 days and not once did we discuss how to do the steps. I'm home, and I have read them, went to meetings and understand them, but what do I do to complete them?
Welcome to the forum, Diane. Good question. I had the same question when I was new. From my experience, I found that people had widely divergent ideas on how to do the 12 steps. I finally sat down and read this book:
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
It was written by the person who wrote the steps. It helped me tremendously. Step meetings also helped greatly. Here is an online link to the same content from the Alcoholics Anonymous website:
The only place where you can find the instructions for taking the steps is in the basic text, the Big Book. They are not exactly obvious, at least they weren't to me, which is why it is a good idea to find a sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps to help you through.
The steps really are a manner of living on a day to day basis, as opposed to wipping through them once and being cured. Through the first nine we learn the principles of the program, and these are all condensed into the last three as the AA recipe for permanent sobriety.
I found the 12 and 12 a useful book post taking the steps. There is excellent discsussion, and Bill W takes us through a number of different ways one might look at the steps, especially around step two. But at the end of the day it is just Bill's take on it, as opposed to the Big Book which was influenced by many others as the program was developed over the first four years. The proof of the efficacy of the Big Book appears in the foreword to the second edition. When it first came out, there were up to 100 mebers and no one really knew if it would work or not. That was 1939. By 1955, when the second edition went to print, memebership had got to an estimated 150,000, including my country where AA started with the book only and without the benfit of any sponsorship. The 12&12 was not in existence up to this point.
Keep going to meetings and listen to hear from people who have already thoroughly worked all twelve steps themselves, and who have found the kind of healthy sane and serene sobriety that you want for yourself. Then ask one of them if they have time to be your sponsor and help you to work the steps like they did. That's one of the central concepts of what AA is and how it works. One alcoholic helping another, and the 12 steps.
Keep going to meetings and listen to hear from people who have already thoroughly worked all twelve steps themselves, and who have found the kind of healthy sane and serene sobriety that you want for yourself. Then ask one of them if they have time to be your sponsor and help you to work the steps like they did. That's one of the central concepts of what AA is and how it works. One alcoholic helping another, and the 12 steps.
X2
Hi Diane,
Glad to have you here. All questions are valid and not minimized here. What Dave wrote above was my experience. My Sponsor is a vital ingredient to my sobriety and sanity.
I could not have worked the 12 Steps without my Sponsor. It is good that you feel like you understand them. I certainly didn't. My Sponsor took me through each one and shared his own experiences with me along the way. He let me know when I was ready to move onto the next Step. I know I would not have completed them on my own. He let me know we would meet after I did my moral inventory and if I didn't get it done, there was no use meeting again. I got a bit peeved at the man. He was "deserting" me if I didn't work a Step? At the time that just did not make sense to me. I put it off for a while because I was scared. I was more scared I would drink again so I just bought a notebook and resentfully wrote the stuff down--not all at once. I could not do that because it was too overwhelming for me and I could not think of everything all at once. So when things popped in my head, memories, current events, anything that I got po'd and/or depressed or anxious about, I pulled out my notebook and wrote them down. I was amazed when I started thinking more about them and things from years ago would come into my head. It wasn't too long before I had page after page of resentments I had held onto for so many years. I finally finished them. I called my sponsor and let him know. We set up an appointment. Then I lost my notebook a couple of days before we were supposed to meet. I live with someone and my sponsor had told me to hide my list --put it in a safe place since it was so personal. I followed his instructions so well, I hid the darn thing from myself. I was devastated! I looked everywhere (I thought) and couldn't find it. I even accused my roommate of taking it! There was no way that I could think of everything in a couple of days, so I called my sponsor to reschedule the meeting. I felt like he would not believe me and would think I had lied about finishing it. He laughed and said an "OMG, you poor thing! Well, get back on it." So I had to do it again, hoping that I would remember everything and being surprised that I came up with some things I didn't think of the first time I did it. The first resentment on my list was one towards myself : "1. I am resentful at myself for losing my 4th Step Notebook."
It was hard reading all of my resentments to my sponsor. I felt like I would be judged by him as being petty and immature because of some of the things on my list. I started to leave out a few of them, and forced myself to read all of them. He never acted shocked or surprised at anything I had written. It was a huge relief for me getting all that stuff out. I finished my long list I slumped over on the couch and tears just started pouring out. When he read from his list my character defects to me, I didn't get hurt and upset at him for pointing them out to me like I expected I would. I really wanted to know what was wrong with me so I could try and make changes to myself through prayer to God for their removal and asking Him to make me conscious of my CD's when they occurred. (I am convinced this is a lifetime thing.)
Years and years of pain released. Amazing. I think everyone--not just alcoholics--just do Steps 4 and 5--it is truly very cleansing for the soul.
(...and I did end up finding my first notebook over a year after I had worked that Step! I just laughed. I never compared what I had written in both of them. I just thought and think it is a God thing I couldn't find it.)
When I read my 4th step with my first sponsor, his initial response really helped put it all in perspective. He said "Don't be upset, but this list you wrote is strongly indicating that you are not perfect, and are, in fact, human". Then he lowered his voice to a whisper in mock seriousness and said "and I don't want to alarm you, but I think you may have had a drinking problem!" and he smiled, and then we both had a good laugh. After that, it was much easier to just talk about all of this stuff honestly and openly. Sure, there was plenty of stuff for me to work on, but it was in perspective now, and I wasn't fighting it and ignoring it, nor was I obsessing over it and letting it eat me up inside with shame and regret. It was what it was, and now I just knew it and accepted all of it, good and not so good, and now I had a point from which to move forward so I could continue to take the steps toward a more sane and serene sobriety.
-- Edited by davep12and12 on Thursday 4th of June 2015 01:46:15 PM
