I have to confess somewhere, so it's here, with this. but first, allow me to say that I'm going to the first aa meeting I've been to in many years tonight. I've been good about keeping a distance from alcohol, mostly, without the fellowship of aa, but the secret drives me to drink occasionally. let me rephrase that: the secret drives me to binge, a fast paced, get to black out as quickly as is humanly possible kind of binge. I know ahead of time what will occur if I take a single drink. and I have begun to prepare for binges the way I might prepare for any other evening. I get enough alcohol to do the trick, and cancel anything I had scheduled for the following day, using bullshit excuses. I've even set up my life so that I have justifiable outs that no one gets angry about or questions.
then I get to work drinking. this in itself is a secret, too.
when I get to the meeting tonight I won't be able to share what's going on. and I know some meetings don't want you to anyway. but I feel it crucial to any chance I stand at sobriety.
and now the thing that is scary for me to share: I lost a great job a few years back, a dream I had worked hard for and it was wrongfully taken from me. I wound up homeless. eventually, to survive, I became a call girl. it's destroying me. and the worst part is that people in my life look up to me and are proud of me for having survived such a blow. they all think i did it some other way, which is in part true.
if you read this and feel angry toward me, if you feel the need to lecture me or moralize, please don't. thanks.
So what part of that requires a stiff judgment. As I learned in the program I did what I had to do to get where I had to get including attempted murder, theft, assault and a couple more minor things. This journey for me started off quietly. All I had to do was sit still, keep my mouth shut, listen and practice and they told me that one day I would hear my story told by someone else in the rooms. I've been coming back since 2/8/79 and I have heard my story told by young and old, male and female. The names are different and the disease the same. That I am alcoholic is just one part of my life. Being also a child of God and now a sober member of my community is more. Keep coming back. Save that part you are reluctant to share in the rooms for a meet with a supportive sponsor and then...keep coming back hand in hand with your Higher Power. (((((hugs)))))
Celeste...No judgment at all...Only a warm welcome...You are amongst a group here that all acted in ways we aren't proud of. I am glad you are going to that meeting. I hope you find a good female sponsor you can trust. I believe that will help a lot. You are not alone.
