THIS PART is the key:

"usually the second of third Friday of being employed I would tell myself, Youre doing great at this job and you havent had a drink in almost two months now. This time you know you cant over do it. You know what happens when you do so be careful, but if you never buy more than a pint youll be OK"

It doesn't have anything to do with whether you are working or not. The problem is that you have still been believing the Big Lie that alcoholism tells people like us - the lie that somehow, some day you will somehow be able to control and enjoy your drinking and using, and that THIS time it will be different, so you go ahead and try it again. 

Alcoholics can only recover through complete abstinence, one day at a time. If the alcoholism in your head is still lying to you about that (and it sure sounds like it is), and you are still actually LISTENING to that lie and BELIEVING it and taking action on it, then you have not developed an understanding of STEP ONE.

Get yourself an AA Big Book and read it and learn what alcoholism really is, how it really works, and what you really have to do to recover from this condition. And yes, get yourself to some AA meetings so you can get help from other people who have been through this and who can offer you their experience, strength and hope. This is not the kind of thing that you should try to handle on your own. Help is available. Take advantage of it. Yes, it's going to be very uncomfortable to walk into that meeting. Do it anyway.

That desire to bolt out of the meeting is not too unusual. Something that helped me in those early meetings was to get there a little early when there was only a few people there (it felt more comfortable than showing up at the last minute when there was already a big crowd) and then ask them if there was something I could to help them set up the meeting. Setting up chairs, making coffee, whatever was needed. It was way more comfortable to have something to do, and it made it easier to talk to people. Then I did the same thing at the end of the meeting, offering to help clean up.

It's also a good way to start looking for a sponsor. Find someone in the meetings who has been sober for a few years and who has worked all 12 steps and who has a degree of serenity and comfort in their life without drugs or alcohol, and ask them to show you how they did it and ask them to help you go through the 12 steps.

Regarding STEP ONE - read about it in the AA Big Book. Pay attention to stuff like the analogy of the "problem jaywalker" in chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism".  He's this guy who just has no ability to jaywalk successfully - he gets run over and hospitalized over and over again. But that's not the insane part - the insanity is that instead of realizing that he has no ability to jaywalk successfully and realizing that he needs to stop jaywalking completely, he keeps lying to himself that THIS time will be different and he keeps trying to figure out how to jaywalk...

That's us. Our alcoholism lies to us about our drinking and using and it tells us that we don't really have to stop completely and stay stopped, and that THIS time it will be different, even though we have an entire lifetime of evidence that this idea is complete bullshit. Until I really got honest with myself about my drinking and really came to understand how this denial and insane alcoholic thinking operated, I could not accept that I was really an alcoholic and that I really was someone who lacked the ability to successfully control and enjoy my drinking, and that I would never be able to successfully drink or use and therefore I was someone who MUST stay sober one day at a time, no matter what. THAT was Step One.   

-- Edited by davep12and12 on Sunday 5th of October 2014 02:08:47 AM

Excellent post pappy and everyone. Welcome to mip red. There is no promise it will be easy... but we can promise it will be worth it. You are worth it. You've survived this for this long for a reason. I'm guessing you have the ability to do amazing things to get numb... With your smarts and what not. Put that same effort into aa and you've got it right and you'll find your way out of all this including your social anxiety. Don't rule out the ppossibility of that just being a symptom of the mental aspect of addiction and the root causes that brought you to a point of feeling the only way to survive life is to check out of most of it. I identify with that and am free of all that today. Keep posting. Xxx

-- Edited by justadrunk on Sunday 5th of October 2014 10:55:58 AM

Welcome to the board, Dirty Red.  Glad to have you.  The suggestions that have been given to you are all excellent.  None of the things you'll need to do will be easy, but I'm guessing that drinking and using has not been easy for you either, or you wouldn't be posting here.  We've all been where you're at....lost jobs, lost relationships, lost finances, and so on.  Keep posting and keep sharing.  But, above all....keep listening.

Blessings and good luck,

Mike D.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. Today has been a really long but good day. Church in the morning, then to Dad's for lunch, and from there to Mom's for dinner. Just getting home now, but I'll post more later or tomorrow about why it was a good day, for now I just want to rest. At Mom's there were five little one's all age five and under who where all extra hyped and loud today, and my daily headache is getting the best of me right now.

I just wanted to share a little about why I said yesterday was a good day. When church ended instead of rushing out the door like I wanted to do I went into the prayer room. I met two guys in there and shared with them about the problems I was going through and my difficulty in meeting and interacting with new people. They suggested that I join one of the house churches (basically an in home bible study). I told them I would be interested in that and had actually checked it out on the church's website and there was one that was not too far from my house. They asked if it would be OK if they went and tried to find the man whose house it was held at and introduce me to him. I said that would be great. Anyway, it must have been meant to be because he was a form employ of Tampa Crossroads which is a local recovery organization. He was so excited and supportive; he truly seemed to understand what a vital time in my life this was with just 20 days of sobriety and having finally admitting that I need to seek help with my recovery. I told him about the outpatient program I am in and how it has been a struggle to get approved for some one on one counselling and said that if it wasn't approved soon he knew some people that he could reach out that would more than likely be willing to help me. I am so excited because I know this will be a way for me to make some friends and actually become a part of the fellowship of the church instead of just going, listening and then leaving I am going to be able to have relationships with people who can help me grow spiritually.

 

Also I had a realization as to what may be the main cause of my wanting to drink so badly when I get off work. You see when I am working I am a totally different person than I am in my personal life. I have always been in either sales or customer service positions. One of the things I learned years ago is that in order to provide the best service to a customer I needed to find something I liked about them because if I like them I will work harder for them and they will get the level of service they deserve.  Also because I am not me as an individual I am a representation of the company I work for I do not feel the anxiety that I do when having to interact with someone in my personal life. In my personal life my instinct is always to notice what I don't like about people and that is what comes naturally to me. Now all I have to do is start living my life as though I am working for God all the time and how much more confidence will I receive from him than working for any company could give me? 

Sounds like positive actions for your spirituality. I don't think it's going to keep you sober though. If church and bible study were enough to keep us sober, we would not be in AA. Go to meetings and get a sponsor. Yes, meeting friends in the church fellowship is good. It is not the same as having contacts, a sponsor, and involvement in the fellowship of AA. You will also not learn and complete the steps in bible study.

As far as your ruminations about why it's so difficult for you to work and stay sober. I believe you are probably somewhat accurate in your perceptions, but most of it is probably due to simply having more stress when working and deeply engrained patterns of wanting to "reward" yourself and "relax" after work when you have not developed other copings skills.

So...I am still hearing attempts to avoid AA and AA meetings. Maybe you can do this through church, but that has not been successful for most people I have seen.