I've been struggling a lot with my resentments for my ex, and my resentments for myself regarding that relationship. Also a lot of fear around what/who the future will bring. I have this thought that I'm not a whole person if I'm not in a relationship. That there's something wrong with me.
I've been visiting another messageboard about breakups/relationships, and honestly I don't think its helpful at all. It's all of these sad stories about people, and just reading them keeps me rooted in the problem (the break up) rather then the solution (moving on, healing emotionally via the 12 steps). But I can't seem to stop visiting it.
I have been sober for 58 days, and I completed step 3. I have the step 4 worksheets, but haven't began the process of taking inventory yet.
Next week I'm going on a family vacation... all of my immediate family in a cabin for a week. I've gone for the past few years, but never sober. They aren't big drinkers at all (I was always the only big drinker) but it will be a challenge to be sober and stay sane.
Step four we get those resentments and fears down on paper. It's important that we follow directions carefully. I congratulate you on making your third step decision....If there is any question about when you should get started on step four....It's explained on page 64.
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
As far as the relationship site goes....It's probably better to focus on yourself for awhile....And give those other people's problems a break. Hang in there Namaste....While this isn't the easiest of steps...Everything good comes from it. Congrats to you on your 58 days.
I've been struggling a lot with my resentments for my ex, and my resentments for myself regarding that relationship. Also a lot of fear around what/who the future will bring. I have this thought that I'm not a whole person if I'm not in a relationship. That there's something wrong with me.
I've been visiting another messageboard about breakups/relationships, and honestly I don't think its helpful at all. It's all of these sad stories about people, and just reading them keeps me rooted in the problem (the break up) rather then the solution (moving on, healing emotionally via the 12 steps). But I can't seem to stop visiting it.
I have been sober for 58 days, and I completed step 3. I have the step 4 worksheets, but haven't began the process of taking inventory yet.
Next week I'm going on a family vacation... all of my immediate family in a cabin for a week. I've gone for the past few years, but never sober. They aren't big drinkers at all (I was always the only big drinker) but it will be a challenge to be sober and stay sane.
Just feeling a little lost in life.
Are you attending f2f meetings regularly? There is no replacement for a good oldtimer sponsor and the longtimers at the meetings.
Yes I am attending meetings 4 times a week. My sponsor is not an oldtimer, though. She's pretty casual with the way she sponsors me. I am also in another 12 step fellowship, and my sponsor in that one kept me in check more. Unfortunately last week she lost her abstinence and can no longer sponsor me. So now I just have the AA one, and a temporary one for the other fellowship.
The vacation with your family caught my eye too. Glad they aren't heavy drinkers. A word of caution though, from my own experience... it seems no one knows how to push buttons like family. Always good to be informed.
Is there no good oldtimers in your group to sponsor you?
I don't think number of years means doodly squat Bob. I've seen guys with twenty and thirty years that don't have what I want. Give me someone that has had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps...That understands the book....And is willing to keep me on the path....And I'm good to go. Just my experience...But my sponsor wasn't an oldtimer....And he wasn't casual with me either.
Quick little story about family reunions Namaste. I was about a month sober...Freshly out of rehab and had my sponsor about a week. My family had this reunion planned for a year in advance. My family is a hard drinking family. My sponsor told me I should go because I had good reason to be there....It's family. But to contact him as needed. I did a lot of praying....I used my phone....And there were times I just had to get away from them. What did I do with that time? I was actually writing my fourth step. We do what we gotta do.
hi Namaste78. I encourage you to consider looking up the location and schedule for the AA meetings that are close to where you will be staying, and make plans ahead of time to assure you have transportation available to get to these meetings during your trip. I always make a point to get to meetings when I am out of town, whether it is for business travel, vacation, or whatever, and it always ends up being a very rewarding experience.
It's good to hear from you. It's funny how different lives and same set of circumstances are often heard in these halls. I know exactly where your at. I to did struggle with the resentment thing with my Ex wanting to blame her for everything in the end. I could not have peace of mind until I could forgive. But that doesn't mean one forgets or I still have the same resentment pop up once in awhile. The difference today is I let it go and remind myself we are all spiritually sick to some extent. Then when put the focus was put back on me and I looked at my part I wanted to Blame myself regret the past and pity myself. I don't do that either. I turn it over to God then remind myself I can love me and don't need anyone to make me feel complete or get on with life. I also identify with your emptiness of wanting someone in your life. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have your soul mate or ect. It's human instinct. It's a God given desire. However what I have to keep in mind is it can be easy to focus all my energy into a relationship lose myself and forget about my troubles. Very dangerous for a alcoholic. My relationships was probrably more like hostage taking as opposed to any true partnership. It took time for me to figure out who I was and ask why am I mad. This way I could stop acting on my character defects and getting the same results including relationships. Today I know who I'm attracted to and am cautious if it. I pray to my HP for the right thought or action I pause when agitated or doubtful. It's not the end of the world God does have a plan for you and when he thinks your ready he will place someone in your life. Your emotions are raw right now at 58 days and we all had the same feelings you did. It's painful sometimes but we all got through it. Also what really helped was to remind myself I never want to be that person again so the past won't repeat itself and a healthy attitude is key. Keep it in today, try not to worry or dwell on it. Your doing great!!! Step 4 brings up a lot of crap but the good thing is in the end you get to dump it on God and your sponsor. It's very liberating.
Namaste. Also you might want to stay off the breakup sites it just keeps you in the middle of the problem. But it's good you recognized it that's half the battle to changing the person you are. As far FEAR. Most of the time it's just a emotion that has NO substance to your current situation. It just paralyses you and keeps you from growing. Real fear that has validity is like standing in the highway with cars coming at you and their not stopping. That's a healthy concerning fear that's true and is in agreement with the emotion. FEAR(false evidence appearing real). Good luck, Ron
Is there no good oldtimers in your group to sponsor you?
I don't think number of years means doodly squat Bob. I've seen guys with twenty and thirty years that don't have what I want. Give me someone that has had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps...That understands the book....And is willing to keep me on the path....And I'm good to go. Just my experience...But my sponsor wasn't an oldtimer....And he wasn't casual with me either.
Only a person without 20-30 yrs would make a statement like that ... I stand by my original statement.
It's good to hear from you. It's funny how different lives and same set of circumstances are often heard in these halls. I know exactly where your at. I to did struggle with the resentment thing with my Ex wanting to blame her for everything in the end. I could not have peace of mind until I could forgive. But that doesn't mean one forgets or I still have the same resentment pop up once in awhile. The difference today is I let it go and remind myself we are all spiritually sick to some extent. Then when put the focus was put back on me and I looked at my part I wanted to Blame myself regret the past and pity myself. I don't do that either. I turn it over to God then remind myself I can love me and don't need anyone to make me feel complete or get on with life. I also identify with your emptiness of wanting someone in your life. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have your soul mate or ect. It's human instinct. It's a God given desire. However what I have to keep in mind is it can be easy to focus all my energy into a relationship lose myself and forget about my troubles. Very dangerous for a alcoholic. My relationships was probrably more like hostage taking as opposed to any true partnership. It took time for me to figure out who I was and ask why am I mad. This way I could stop acting on my character defects and getting the same results including relationships. Today I know who I'm attracted to and am cautious if it. I pray to my HP for the right thought or action I pause when agitated or doubtful. It's not the end of the world God does have a plan for you and when he thinks your ready he will place someone in your life. Your emotions are raw right now at 58 days and we all had the same feelings you did. It's painful sometimes but we all got through it. Also what really helped was to remind myself I never want to be that person again so the past won't repeat itself and a healthy attitude is key. Keep it in today, try not to worry or dwell on it. Your doing great!!! Step 4 brings up a lot of crap but the good thing is in the end you get to dump it on God and your sponsor. It's very liberating.
This is a great post Enigma...You've come a long way.
Thanks everyone. Lots of good thoughts here. My plan for vacation is to write my fourth step, actually. We're going to be in a beautiful setting in a park, one where I feel very close to my higher power. I'll definitely have numbers of program people to call. One good thing my sister is also in program, and has been sober for 8 years. So we'll have each other. :)
I think the biggest challenge will be with my mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in January. It is a heartbreaking disease. She has gone downhill rapidly, and no longer quite knows my dad (they've been married for 46 years). He's the only person she's forgotten so far. It is unbelievably sad. Being in the moment with her is a true test of acceptance. When dealing with someone with dementia, you're supposed to be with them exactly where they are. No correcting her, no trying to pull her back in to our reality by giving her reminders. Just acceptance. Right now I'm so angry at that disease. It's been hard for me to be present with my mom. I've been avoiding her for the first bit of sobriety. I've seen her a handful of times, but I carry around guilt that I'm not doing everything I should be doing. So I think being with her for 7 days will give me (and the test of my family) the full picture as far as how far she's actually progressed in the disease. And I'm scared.
I have a neighbor that is a close family friend that suffers from that. It is heartbreaking. I'm happy you can be there for her sober Namaste. That's huge. You made an important decision in step three...Now use it. Ask God to help you with that...As well as with your fourth step. You sound like you are in good hands. I'll send you a few prayers myself. You can always check in here and let us know how you're doing....Hit a couple meetings with your sister. I think you're going to be alright.
Hang with it Namaste, hang with the winners and your willingness to get and stay sober. As for family I was simply told early on that I had to get away from "all things alcohol" which included my friends, family and a wife...I did it and still am. Find the meetings where you are going? great suggestion!! A sponsor with lots of time and the sobriety you want...saved my life. Keep coming back and let us know how it comes out. (((((hugs)))))
Only a person without 20-30 yrs would make a statement like that ... I stand by my original statement.
Let me run this by you Bob. Since I keep hearing the necessity of a sponsor that has a lot of years is the key. I listened to a guy in a meeting recently with 20 some years...Make this statement.....
"This isn't a program about God...This is a program about not drinking one day at a time. I still go to three meetings a day...That's how I stay sober."
Now I dion't know about you Bob. But I thank God....I didn't ask this person to sponsor me. And I pity anyone that does. Because this is a program about God....It is not a program about "not drinking one day at a time."...And I don't have time for three meetings a day....I have a life to live. This guy may not be a real alcoholic for all I know.....But I do one thing. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself....And that is to live without the obsession for alcohol while being happy, joyous and free. If I had ben depending on meetings alone to keep me sober...I'd be a dead man.
Thanks everyone. Lots of good thoughts here. My plan for vacation is to write my fourth step, actually. We're going to be in a beautiful setting in a park, one where I feel very close to my higher power. I'll definitely have numbers of program people to call. One good thing my sister is also in program, and has been sober for 8 years. So we'll have each other. :) I think the biggest challenge will be with my mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in January. It is a heartbreaking disease. She has gone downhill rapidly, and no longer quite knows my dad (they've been married for 46 years). He's the only person she's forgotten so far. It is unbelievably sad. Being in the moment with her is a true test of acceptance. When dealing with someone with dementia, you're supposed to be with them exactly where they are. No correcting her, no trying to pull her back in to our reality by giving her reminders. Just acceptance. Right now I'm so angry at that disease. It's been hard for me to be present with my mom. I've been avoiding her for the first bit of sobriety. I've seen her a handful of times, but I carry around guilt that I'm not doing everything I should be doing. So I think being with her for 7 days will give me (and the test of my family) the full picture as far as how far she's actually progressed in the disease. And I'm scared.
Congrats on your progress Namaste, ... ... ... I was think'n your vacation would be an excellent time to write out your 4th step ... having been around for a while, I would simply 'CAUTION' you to be sure to keep anything you write down, private and away from prying eyes ... few, if any, family members and/or friends, will understand or accept what you're putting on paper ... your 4th step is between you, your sponsor, and God ... period ...
The reason I say this, is that I've known others that carelessly left there writings lying around and when discovered by someone else, a tornado of proportions out of this world erupted emotionally ... which can sometimes 'derail' a person's sobriety ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I also identify with your emptiness of wanting someone in your life. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have your soul mate or ect. It's human instinct. It's a God given desire. However what I have to keep in mind is it can be easy to focus all my energy into a relationship lose myself and forget about my troubles. Very dangerous for a alcoholic. My relationships was probrably more like hostage taking as opposed to any true partnership.
I can so relate to this. And honestly, hostage taking is probably an apt description. As cringe-inducing as it is.
Today has been a better day. I seem to have ups and downs, sometimes by the hour. I guess that's how the grieving process goes. The good news is that I don't drink over it.
Today has been a better day. I seem to have ups and downs, sometimes by the hour. I guess that's how the grieving process goes. The good news is that I don't drink over it.
I'm glad your day is better. I think the ups and downs at this stage of recovery is normal. I was told early on that this would be a roller coaster ride....To hang on and keep going. They were right. It's funny....I think the thing I grieved for the most was my breakup with alcohol. Now I can't even imagine it in my life. Have a good day Namaste.
