Before time, I shared that there is one person, who I miss really much and who helped me a lot with recovery (alcoholic, too). In time he stopped writing me and I was really not okay with this, but I had to accept that there is time, when people came in my life and after that they can disappear and sometimes I can't do nothing about it and that I must let go. Sometimes he was strict with me, sometimes he told me things in soft way. In his behaviour there were both. I missed him really much, because of the things that I learned from him. I had fear of him at times and he was like God for me in my recovery. I learned a lot of lessons from this. 

   First was that I can't put human on the place of God, no matter how I appreciate the help from him, no matter how strong, smart, interesting, exciting, intelligent is his personality. That was hard for me, because I've always been looking for someone who will take care of me - financial, emotional, physical and so on. I've always been in situation when I was thinking that I am much more from someone, or he/she is much more from me. So It was really hard lesson, because like always I need some strong person, who I can put on pedestal and he to be some kind of my God. And I saw that how painfully much I need someone who is stronger and powerful to take care of me. But in the right way - this is my Higher Power, not person.

   Second It was important, because like we know, in Big Book there is written about sexual ideal. Not only my past, but "We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for strength to do the right thing." ... Through this situation with that person and with the help of my Higher Power I could see how much I care about people's opinion of me, how afraid I am and how much I need to be liked. Of course it is about sexual ideal, because I tried to use my charm like younger girl in the rooms, but he (thanks God) quickly understood what were my motives and he just left me. Now I am grateful, because then I couldn't understand why he doesn't write me, and I thought that he doesn't care for me. Now I see that I really needed exactly this, because I needed my Higher Power to take care of me, to think of me. So we didn't write a lot of time - a lot of months. I thought that I will die in this period. But after I hated him, because I thought he some kind of left me, I started to be grateful, because I really felt how my Higher Power loves me and won't let me. 

   Third - I understood how person in recovery should act. I mean - he really saw my motives, because he has been there and knows really well what is in my head. And he didn't take advantage. I've seen people in rooms, still new how are getting together, at first happy and after that they realize in how painful relationships are they.

   And finally, after this period he lately check how I am and we write a little. He is again strict about some things, but I no longer try to have his approval. I don't have anymore fear of him. We are standing on same level - on same plane.

   So - about the topic he remind me yesterday something that I forgot - when I am explaining something, when I am defending something I am wrong. For the first time I heard these words from one speaker, even tried to translate it in my language. But I forgot them. It's from my alcoholism when I try to explain and defend something, because what is true doesn't need defence and explanation. And I've acted always in this way - like someone is chasing me and judging me. And I am trying to prevent eventually situation in which I will be wrong and starting to act like I am insane to protect myself.  I am really grateful about this Program, because it is really about freedom and happiness. I understand that God is showing me His path and sometimes He shows me in hard way, because there is no other way to understand it and to be on it. With these Steps all things in my life make sense, all things have their purpose. Without the Program - We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people ... p.52