Hi all, just a little down today - nothing that won't pass but I share the good with the bad. Two things that I can identify so far...
First the heat. This disease I have makes heat, and especially the sun, like kryptonite for me. I can't go outside, can't get off this chair - too weak. After waiting twenty-four years for my wife to come home from prison, I had a lot of energy wrapped up in the expectation that we'd be able to be outside playing this time of year. Instead, I get to watch her out the window. It is what it is - but sure goes to show how even the most benign expectation can become an issue.
The second thing is last nights f2f meeting. It brought to mind the adage, "Identify - don't compare". The topic was, 'how to get through the holidays' what with the fourth of July right around the corner. Just listening to the stories/shares and having difficulty relating - alone in a full room. Talks about 'how it was, what happened and what its like now' - especially the 'how it was' part:
"After work I'd..."
"I used to dread the family gatherings..."
"Trying to bring enough alcohol to go camping for the weekend..."
For me, for the last seven years of my drinking, there was no working - I was unemployable. I hadn't been welcome at family gatherings or even seen my family for decades. I drank to live and lived to drink and every day was dedicated to making certain that I secured the next drink - there was no camping, no money to buy a few bottles to tide me over... it was just drink this one and find the means to buy the next one - every moment, every day, day in and day out. Getting my next drink was my job. Alcohol was my only family. I'm grateful that I don't have to drink any longer and have been set free - no doubt...but I found myself in an AA meeting last night with a couple of newcomers present and concerned about sharing because my 'how it was' is so different than theirs - and everyone else in the room. Don't want some newcomer to say, "Well heck, if that's what an alcoholic is - I sure ain't one." and use that as an excuse to go back out. I know I'm not responsible for their decisions...but I don't want to be the excuse they use.
I understand how you were feeling. I think many AA meeting have the personality of the people that are attending them and most of those people live fairly close to the meetings they attend. There are people in recovery that can empathize with what you've been through because they have been there too. You may or may not find these folks at your typical suburban AA meeting being held in the pristine church down the street. You may want to shop around for different meetings to find some people with similar experiences.
I was at a meeting last night and they were talking about the difference between trying to do something and just doing it. And to me, and maybe it was just the fact that the room was hot and the air stagnate, it all sounded like a bunch of hooey. I was thinking we've got a bunch of newcomers at this meeting and we should be talking about some concrete early sobriety suggestions to help them stay sober. So, I wasn't relating very well. My homegroup sticks with more meat and potatoes.
Don't want some newcomer to say, "Well heck, if that's what an alcoholic is - I sure ain't one." and use that as an excuse to go back out. I know I'm not responsible for their decisions...but I don't want to be the excuse they use.
Anywho, it'll pass...but thought I'd share.
If they use that as an 'excuse', ... then they have yet to decide if they are 'powerless' over this disease ... ... ... 'cause I, followed this path ... decided I wasn't all that 'bad' after hearing some stories in f2f meetings ... ... ... THEN I found out, or learned about the 'YETS' ... being an idiot, I did go back out AND I did start experiencing the 'YETS' ... when I first came to AA, I hadn't had a DUI, yet ... well, I got me one some time later ... I had not lost anything materially, yet ... lost a couple hundred grand in a few short years (still cannot account for that, lots of memory loss) ...
If a newcomer 'goes back out', it's their choice, not yours ... perhaps they were like I was in the beginning, they hadn't experienced enough pain 'YET' ... so IF they think 'I'm not that bad' ... it's just a matter of time ... at least they'll know the signs that they've 'crossed the line' at some point ... hopefully ... and they'll know there is a 'solution' waiting for them in the rooms of AA ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm in the same direction as Pappy...Learning the first part of the 1st step with an open mind and considering the similarities twix me and You and them I know today about powerlessness and it isn't only I that have it. I was a newbie myself once and didn't come in with a lot of awareness and experience about recovery. Fact is I came in not knowing a thing about alcoholic, alcoholism and addiction and I didn't know that I didn't know. I had to do what newbies are suggest to do...sit down, shut up, listen (with an open mind) and practice, practice, practice. All of my excuses were taken away from me including ones I hadn't come up with yet. As for speaking into the group, that is a choice...either I do or don't. I don't have an AA franchise I have 35 years of continuous sobriety and at times a sanity that will go with it. I can give my ESH and at the same time allow anyone the dignity of their own choices. The AA declaration for me is primary..."When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help...I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that I am responsible". I don't own the consequences of anyone else's choice other than mine...I don't worry about what will or won't happen as to things I know nothing about and have no power over. Thanks for letting me share.
This week at a morning meeting a relative newcomer approached mentioning that "she only had so much time". I replied that all of us in the room had the same amount of time at that particular moment...one day and the later parts of the day had not arrived yet. If we duplicate the 24 hours which have resulted in sobriety chances are better for us without the promise of guarantees. Thank you God and the program.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 5th of July 2014 12:17:28 AM
