Well I talked to my Mom the other day. Haven't talked to her in months because I couldn't take the active disease. She definitely my qualifier for you double winners out there. I was able to not react and keep my side of the street clean and not take her comments personally. I didn't go to the fight or agree with some of her comments which is ok. I was able to walk away when the conversation ended, without anger or mixed emotions. There was a lot of calm in the storm. Just had no desire to QTIP and waste all that energy. If nothing changes nothing changes. But it changed with me and that's what matters. Something happened to me when I went back out not sure what? But it seems I've accomplished more in two weeks than I had in the last six months. It may sound kind of sick but I feel going back out was the best thing that ever happened to my sobriety. Anybody have answers? Maybe because I finally surrendered and was left all to myself to make that choice. I guess it's different for everyone. I do know it's nice to not have any daily self pity anymore or hate. Kind of liberating. HP has been working in my life all along sometimes where not grateful for what we have as opposed to what we have not or what we think we should have. I have a greater sense of willingness today which came out of nowhere. HP do answer prayers. I've been able to not act on certain character defects cause I got sick of having the same outcome. Most of the acting upon them is me just being immature and wanting to act on emotion cause someone or something I have no control over is unacceptable to me. Oh well such is life. Living life on life's terms and surrendering to it as opposed to tugging and pulling against brings more serenity. I was a miserable bastard not wanting to accept I've created a lot of my own problems recently. I think I finally understand what enjoy the ride means. Good to be sober today and actually mean it.
Something happened to me when I went back out not sure what? But it seems I've accomplished more in two weeks than I had in the last six months. It may sound kind of sick but I feel going back out was the best thing that ever happened to my sobriety. Anybody have answers?
I have one...It's right out of the book.
Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will be prejudiced for as long as some of us were.
BB pg 48
Maybe you just weren't beaten enough. I know the process for myself was quite long and tedious..(I could think of a better word.) But I got there. I was persuaded to become willing. Thank God it didn't kill me first.
Thanks stepchild I can always count on you. I even checked on it. I somehow missed highlighting that one in chapter 4 we agnostics. Peggy you are correct as well. BB page 84.
E...I hang with relapsers because they have the information that has to do with the "yets" in my recovery. I listen and learn and keep the tools close. I know how powerful our disease is and the 3 consequences. I have learned from many that most often when they go back out they take AA with them and it becomes harder to justify that next drink. I've heard a lot of stories and that was one often told. Thanks for the share.
