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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Playing the Victim
Post Info TOPIC: Playing the Victim
Philipld


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Playing the Victim
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The role of Victim (poor me) is a favorite for many of us. There are so many benefits we can ascertain by playing the role of the victim.

1. We automatically gain self-worth. Follow this reasoning closely. As a victim, we are the one to whom injustice is being done, thus the others are unjust, incorrect, not okay, and wrong in what they do. Consequently, we are just, okay, good and right. We are worthy and they are not. Many of us who do not have sufficient self-esteem find this as the only way we can establish our self-worth, by being the victims of others wrong doings.

2. As victims, we can play on the others pity and guilt. When they are angry with us, we can diminish their rage and aggression by playing the weak, abused person. When we want something from someone, we can play on their guilt by making them believe they are at fault for our unhappiness or our problems.

3. As victims, we are not responsible for our reality, and thus not to blame if we or our lives are not in good condition. We have an excuse for not being okay or manifesting our potential.

As a result, we gain what we want from the others by making them feel responsible for our reality, and by making ourselves seem weak, incapable and in need of help.

When confronted with loved ones who are playing the role of victim, we need to free ourselves from the illusion that they are weak and incapable, and that we are responsible for their reality or can create their happiness, health or success in life. We need to express our love to them in ways they can perceive, without getting caught up in feeling responsible or guilty for their reality. This requires a combination of love, effective communication and clarity of mind. We need to help them find another way of getting what they need that is free from self-pity and unnecessary suffering.

The victim "needs" to be unhappy, thus he or she will find daily reasons not to be happy. Those reasons also frequently imply that the others around them are to blame. The victim finds it difficult to say, "What a wonderful day it is," or "How happy I am," or "Thank you for being such a nice person to me" (unless you are new in their lives and "different from all the insensitive people" already in their lives).

How I would like to react to a Victim.

I would like to keep clear in my mind that I cannot create the others health, happiness, success or satisfaction. I want also to remember that the other is an expression of the divine who has all the powers to manifest what she has incarnated to create in her life.

I want to remember that she needs my love and attention, and will give it freely whenever she is not in the role of the victim.

When she does get into the role of victim I will explain that I love and care for her and want her to be happy, but that that I cannot create that. I am willing to help her if she wants to take responsibility and work towards her happiness. I can ask her questions that might help her realize what she needs to do to create her happiness. I can also ask questions, which may help her see how blessed she already is, and also what powers lie within her that she can use to create the reality she desires.

Throughout this process I will remain very clear that I am not responsible for what she is feeling. If she accuses me of not doing enough, I will check with my conscience and if I decided that she is right, I will start doing more. If I judge that she is wrong, then I will peacefully tell her so and explain that I am not going to do more and if she wants to discuss finding other solutions, I will be happy to.

I will also explain that I will no longer feel guilty about her unhappiness and as I am clear about doing whatever I can, and that playing the victim will not help her get more from me.

A possible honest communication with a Victim might go something like this.

I-message to a Victim

"Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you, and want very much for you to be happy, healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much. However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be."

"I now understand that I do not help you by feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for yourself. Also, when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have, you do not see how wonderful your life really is."

"Thus, I will no longer try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can without doing more than I believe I should and without getting angry with you because you are not satisfied."

"Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?"

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp
by Robert Elias Najemy

 

 



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Pythonpappy


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I played this role very well indeed ... gave me all the justification(excuses) I needed to continue drink'n ... (before sobriety) ...



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Zoomtopz


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Yep me too.

So professional at it too .

I was in Sydney , just prior to easter .

Sitting in a restaurant having dinner , it was a byo ,

toward the end of my meal , this guy asks me if I was an actor .

I replied no mate , just a drama queen , a bit of chit chat followed .

At a popular 5pm city meeting the following afternoon I was sharing .

I was talking about my "drama queen" when in walks John .  I says .

I told ya I was a drama queen.



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Rick.

@ 37 I was too young & good looking to be an alkie.

still too young , still got th good looks. still n alkie.
Mike D


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There's really some great, thought-provoking topics on this board.  This is good.

Mike D.



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Stepchild


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I agree Mike D....And thank you Phil for posting a lot of them. The ole poor, poor, pour me another one....
Been there and done that!

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Lizmccal


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In my experience real victims never say a word. They have been systematically abused in a manor that gives them a sense of self blame and shame. Manipulation is playing the victim as a survival tool in order to get what you want especially if you are unable to be self sufficient emotionally.

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myownhell


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I've always played the role of the victim, too. And quite often it had been successful and I've got what I wanted. And just when I get it I decide that I don't want exactly this or I'm wanting another thing.

Once I wanted lap top and I broke my old computer and I was the victim (poor me, I need computer and I don't have one) and manipulated my parents to buy me. In every relationship I've been like this.

Now, I'm spending too much time in my home and almost don't communicate with anyone. I want to be the victim again and I want to blame others about my situation. And I guess it's fear of action - fear of failure, which is covered me, my thoughts full of excuses and ready answers about not doing anything. I don't know.



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AdamMoz


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I could win gold medals in convincing people I'm a victim. And for many years, that was my automatic go-to excuse for drinking. And I think all of us who have done so know fully well that the world is full of potential reasons to be unhappy. Even when my life was totally smooth sailing and nothing on the exterior was going wrong, I would tell myself that the rest of the world was so miserable and unhappy that being happy in my own life was selfish - and then I would drink. Pretty unbelievable. And I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.

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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Pythonpappy


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myownhell wrote:

 

Now, I'm spending too much time in my home and almost don't communicate with anyone. I want to be the victim again and I want to blame others about my situation. And I guess it's fear of action - fear of failure, which is covered me, my thoughts full of excuses and ready answers about not doing anything. I don't know.

 I can soooo identify with this ... ... ... sometimes, I still must force myself to get off my dead butt and do something, anything, but sit around in quiet solitude, which is dangerous for me ... like the old saying I think, idle hands is the 'Devil's workshop', or something like that ... ... ... whether it's the 'Pity Pot', or the 'Poor, poor me' syndrome, I gotta get do'n something ... 

And it seems at times, when asked to do something, or help someone, I still spout off an excuse without even thinking about it ... it's as if it were automatic ... I struggle each day to get rid of this character defect ... I have made progress though, when I slow down and 'process' the request rather than being on the defensive right off the bat ... the AA program has helped me tremendously here ... 



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myownhell


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It's funny, because when I have what to do I'm complaining that I have "a lot of work" and when I don't have anything to do I'm complaining that my life is boring, nothing is happening. :D At least I learned for this year and a half a little English, because at the beginning I could only tell my name and that was all. :D

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Pythonpappy


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As long as you continue to make progress, that's all you can expect from yourself ... don't drink and practice the program ... your 'spiritual awakening' will come when you least expect it to ... it's a 'heart' thingy ... it happens way deep down inside our very core of existence ...



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Stepchild


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myownhell wrote:

It's funny, because when I have what to do I'm complaining that I have "a lot of work" and when I don't have anything to do I'm complaining that my life is boring, nothing is happening. :D At least I learned for this year and a half a little English, because at the beginning I could only tell my name and that was all. :D

 Your English...As well as your program...Are both progressing beautifully MOH. Keep on keeping on!



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MarcD


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I know this is my first post here but it's a fitting one. have been sober for many years and for the past few years have not been going to many meetings for various reasons, but this lol is me to a T. I have rejoined the victim circuit and I have been freaking miserable as a result of it, I recognize it and today admitting it may just be the key to moving forward and getting away from it. I knew there was a reason for revisiting this forum today and this was it. Poor me, pour me a drink.

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Pythonpappy


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Welcome to MIP Marc ... no coincidences here, eh??? ... ... ...



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betterthanyesterday52


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I still play that victim card....I whine and whine and eyes glaze over. I "get it" now more and can catch myself when I am doing it--sometimes. There have been a couple of "victim" postings on this board since I have been coming here and they have happened shortly after I posted something......the "victim" Character Defect is so prevalent in me that I even thought those "victim" postings were done as a result of a "poor me" posting I had just done. I thought I was the "victim" of postings about playing the victim.
Now that is either really funny or really sad . All I can do is continue to pray for it's removal alongwith my many other CD's.

Welcome to the board. You should feel better knowing that you are not alone and I think a great majority of alcoholics play with the same deck of cards we do sometimes.

BTY



-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 19th of June 2014 08:20:45 PM

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MarcD


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betterthanyesterday52 wrote:

I still play that victim card....I whine and whine and eyes glaze over. I "get it" now more and can catch myself when I am doing it--sometimes. There have been a couple of "victim" postings on this board since I have been coming here and they have happened shortly after I posted something......the "victim" Character Defect is so prevalent in me that I even thought those "victim" postings were done as a result of a "poor me" posting I had just done. I thought I was the "victim" of postings about playing the victim.
Now that is either really funny or really sad . All I can do is continue to pray for it's removal alongwith my many other CD's.

Welcome to the board. You should feel better knowing that you are not alone and I think a great majority of alcoholics play with the same deck of cards we do sometimes.

BTY


-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 19th of June 2014 08:20:45 PM

Thank you for the welcome Python and BTW. It's funny, at almost 50 I've found that the skills have refined themselves even though they haven't been in full practice lol. This disease comes at you from all angles and it comes constantly. I really need to find a good sponsor and get back in the fellowship, I never felt better than I did when I was right in the middle of sobriety.



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Pythonpappy


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Yeah Marc, ... ... ... 'Time' ... ... has a way of making us complacent ... especially if things are going well for long stretches ... I have found what the BB says to be especially applicable to me ... When I dare give thought to the idea that my alcoholism is a thing of the past, I'm in trouble ... That has 'gotten' me in trouble in the past ... I must work daily to practice everything the BB says I should be do'n ... and like Stepdude sez, ... :

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of Gods will into all of our activities. How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done. These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Pg. 85



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