This week has been a bit hairy for me. I had slipped back into the kind of thinking which led me to slip back into drinking in the past. More prayer, more study, more meetings and more trying to be more into helping others and less into "me" is the key, I believe.
I had a conversation with a member after the meeting last night. I had been afraid to approach her lately because I had told her I would call sometime and we would get together for coffee. Just too much into myself to have time for coffee with someone I didn't know and who for some reason, I was scared to get to know. By the time I thought I had worked up enough courage to do this, so much time had passed and I was afraid she was mad at me and would tell me to go somewhere. (oops...here comes another one--
...."duck"....(more stinking thinking).
Anyway, I did go up to her after the meeting and apologize and asked how she had been doing. She looked very sad and out spilled so many of the things which she has and is going through. I could see the enormous amount of pain in her eyes and as I was standing there listening to her it occurred to me how selfish I had been. If only I would have contacted her when I said I would, maybe by having another person be there for her when she was going through some of these things, I could have helped her. The "problems" I thought I have had this week are really not problems at all in comparison to what this woman told me. I really am quite fortunate and need as Pappy said in a posting he did this morning, to learn how to be grateful for the small blessings. I felt ashamed of myself and assured her that if there is anytime day or night she needs to talk, please call me. I cannot fix any of her problems. I can try to be less into me so that I will be available when others need me to be.
YES Grace, ... often we feel that our own problems are 'unique' ... that nobody knows what we feel we have to deal with ... the longer I stay in recovery, the more I learn that I am no more 'unique' than the next guy, that we ALL have life situations to contend with, and the one thing I have learned is that my 'attitude' (way of thinking) about these issues is key to my emotional sobriety ... I learned that almost any situation that upsets the 'apple cart' in my life can be a matter of how I perceive it and how I think it will affect my quality of life ... Today, I try to apply the principles I've learned in AA to every situation that comes down the pike ... and you know what? ... nearly all my fears have subsided, especially when I practice the principles ...
The most important lesson I've learned through all this, is 'faith' ... one must 'BELIEVE' in the fact that their 'Higher Power' is there to respond to their needs and He knows best for the direction we should travel in this life ... my problems arise when I forget who's in charge here and try to 'make' things happen the way I think they should, or the way I think God wants them to happen ... Just simply 'turning things over' to Him without my interference has made a world of difference in my life ...
And another big YES to not realizing that other people have problems that can far exceed the ones I have to deal with ... Helping others deal with their problems often makes us feel like our problems are just 'trivial' ... and it makes one think, why did I think I couldn't, or just didn't want to handle these in a calm appropriate fashion? ... I've been guilty of being critical of others expressing what I thought was stupid stuff when come to find out, they just discovered they had terminal cancer and they were in the middle of mental disintegration ... I had to think quite honestly, how would my mental status be if it were me ??? ... the list goes on ... you just never ever know exactly what someone else is going through and I have learned to try my best to not take others inventory, hard as that is for me ...
Love you and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yep Pappy....I have been praying to God every day, first thing in am and when I am not self-absorbed into my own mental BS, different times during the day. Well...I pray to Him to put someone(s) in front of me who He thinks I can help or if I can be of service to any others. Well, He has answered my prayers. He did last night. He also did it a couple of days ago whe I was having coffee with a couple of other AA'ers. A man with cancer who looks horrific from the illness and treatments, and is someone I met within the last month, came over to our table and sat with us. I try to talk to him about how he is and what interests him. I cannot imagine what he is going through.
And as much as I hate to admit the following, I am going to because by getting it out, maybe it will help make me more aware of myself...This is HOW BAD MY THINKING IS...
When I was visiting my mom, she got a phone call from her brother, my uncle. He had just discovered he has cancer of the lymph nodes. I have been concerned about him, my mom and what he is going through. However, not enough because instead of focusing on praying for him and his recovery....I have been more focused on "poor me, God, help ME, God" prayers... I have been terribly terribly selfish and again am very ashamed of myself. If I could push a button and defriend myself I would do it in an instant because sometimes I am not a very nice person and probably one I wouldn't want to be around very long if I could help it.
I don't know if it is because I am an alcoholic and we all think like this.....or if I am really being unfair to the alcoholics out there who don't think this selfishly. I really don't have any problems other than my dumbass thinking.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 15th of May 2014 09:13:43 AM
I have had days when helping others got me out of the ME Syndrome..and Ive come home..and been faced with ME again..
Some days that was NOT pleasant..Negative thinking...Mind Racing...Being upset with people and things..Expectations of others...Expectations of myself...Praying..yet Wanting to Control..Depression...Anger...The list goes on..
Found out that I hadn't done the action steps fully...and I had to retreat..and do them again..
and as much as I thought I had turned my Will and Life over to a Higher Power...? I hadn't as fully as I should have..
So..in Reality? All I was doing when helping others? was TWO Stepping..and avoiding ME..
I was also NOT living in today...I was pissing all over it...worrying about tomorrow...and dwelling on yesterdays..
One of the biggest goals I had early in sobriety Grace, was to enjoy the company I was with ... when I was alone !!! ... ... ...
I was okay at meetings and stuff, it was when I was alone that I had a problem with ... lots and lots of reading AA material to guide and change my way of 'thinking' ... and then lots and lots of meetings, about 700 meetings in 700 days ... I decided to go to 'ANY' lengths to stay sober ...
And regarding your other comment about your uncle and your thoughts running amok, we, as alcoholics are said to be, and I quote a passage on page 62 of the BB:
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So you see, you are not alone here ... we've all struggled to be rid of these character defects through the steps and principles of AA ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Pappy, you sure offered a bunch of ESH with your postings. You did too, Phil, and that's a burro? Oh well..you say "tomato", I say "tomatah"... ok...I just looked this up...(not tomatoes ) ...
"The term jackass is used to signify a male donkey. A donkey is a domesticated ass. The ass is a species related to the horse and zebra and part of the Equiid family that is found wild in Africa and Asia. The male ass is called "a jack," thus the term jackass.
When a jackass is bred to a female horse, called a mare, the result is a mule. The mule retains characteristics of both horses and donkeys. Mules were popular animals to breed for farm labor before the age of mechanized farming equipment. Mules can be born both male and female, but cannot reproduce. The burro is a wild donkey found in the southwestern region of the United States and Mexico. Spanish conquistadors brought donkeys from Asia to the region in the 15th century. Some of these were released into the wild and became the modern burro. Burro is the Spanish word for donkey.
Humans domesticated asses in Africa long before the horse was domesticated. Mules gained their reputation for stubbornness because their natural self-preservation instincts required them to be independent-thinkers, often putting their own welfare before that of the human. Mules were often thought to be stronger and require fewer daily calories, making them a better choice for labor animals."
So I learned about donkeys, male and female asses, inbreeding between horses and asses, mules and burros. After reading this, and their characteristics, I changed my mind....I think I am a "mule" because I have stubbornness because of my self-preservation instincts and have had years of independent thinking when I was drinking which caused me to put my own welfare before (other) humans. The "stronger" and "require fewer calories" and "labor" part--well, that is way off.
But hey! That's okay! As Pappy said, there is hope for me as long as I stay in AA!
Oh my goodness, ... and old joke just hit me with all this 'Ass' talk, ... LOL
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
...."duck"....(more stinking thinking). 
) ...