Good morning. I have never really spoke with anyone regarding this, and the reason being is that I was in denial that my husband had a problem- he was very manipulating and convincing. We got married young and the binge drinking was portrayed as something "all college kids do". As time progressed, it was episodes of binge drinking about 4-6 months apart. Then a DUI.. which while he drank, his friend was driving his car.. not a full admission but this period followed by 4 years of sobriety and AA- it was magic. Then one day, "I am not an alcoholic, I don't belong in AA" and beers in the fridge followed by binge drinking episodes 4 months apart. I noticed my husband detaching and pulling away. He would come home smelling like alcohol but say that he just had one and drank a lot of water before driving. But he was not the same- just depressed, irritable, moody, sensitive, and detached. He finally said he was so depressed that he went to see a therapist. I don't know what he told the therapist (I am sure nothing about drinking)- he was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and told that he needs to take care of himself. So my husband came home and basically told me that he is stressed out over "our marriage" and the man that he can not be because "he lost feelings for me and feels guilty"- that he needs to move out. He moved out two weeks ago and.. on day two got his third DUI! The story? He had the flu (he was sick a few days before) and was sleeping in his car.. a victim of police bullying (sigh..) I received the police report, he refused the breathalyzer and admitted to the officers that he had a drink. He is telling his whole family that he was so sick, he does not remember what he said. So right now he got a lawyer and is trying to fight it. Meanwhile, a man that told me he grew apart from me and had no feelings is calling constantly and wants to come over to see me and my daughter. I tried to tell him to wake up and get sober- he gets upset that I think he is a drunk and I need to just accept that he left. This has been a horrible situation, I have no anger- but I have seen a loving man and father turn into someone unrecognizable. I don't know how to act toward him or what to say. His father is in AA and has been for 20 years and he has a hard time talking about this matter right now. He told me to look past his words and to accept him as a "sick man" and not get upset or emotional over his words- It would be helpful for me to hear a perspective of someone who walked in my husband's shoes- how does an alcoholic think?
Welcome Marina0719, "Manipulating" and "convincing" are two common traits of alcoholics. Don't blame yourself for that. And binge drinkers can be alcoholics just as much as everyday drinkers. Although I cannot say if another is alcoholic or not....if I were to stop attending AA after four years (or now) and start saying I'm not an alcoholic, then I would be the one in denial. It sounds like your husband "has not had enough" as we hear in AA. That was me, too, as this is the fourth "round" for me. I will say that as long as I was drinking, the alcohol took over me. It changed my thinking completely. The way I felt about most everything was alcohol induced and was not who I truly was. That is the "unrecognizable" part which happens to so many of us who continue to drink despite the warning signs that we have had throughout our drinking years. Some of us have to lose very little before we realize we need help. Others, like me, have to lose a lot of things before we do want to change, while there are some who have to lose EVERYTHING...sometimes it is family, car, jobs, home...and then there are some who have to lose their life. I got to the point where I lost my family, financially a mess--destroyed credit and almost homeless, friends, self-esteem and respect...and was sure I was going to die a drunk. Went to the hospital three times and been in jail twice--all because I wasn't ready to change. That's how this alcoholic was thinking before i realized I had had enough. If I was in your shoes I would save myself. He is sick; however, I would not be suckered into believing anything another alcoholic told me about you having to accept him as sick and you should have to deal with him the way he is. That is making excuses for him continuing to drink. It is not being responsible for oneself at all! That is total BS and he is being manipulative and trying to convince you that you are obligated to accept him and deal with all the BS that comes with his drinking. YOU DO NOT and if you continue to let him have the upper hand and control you that way you are only going to be hurting yourself and falling deeper and deeper into the pit of despair which he has chosen for himself....climb out of that pit and get the hell out of it before he pulls you deeper in it with him. It is called co-dependency. He has to help himself and save himself. He has exposure and I mean some pretty good long term exposure to AA--4 years???? Come on....don't feel sorry for him, that's what he wants. Take care of you and put yourself and your needs first. There is a Al-Anon board on this site which you will no doubt find extremely helpful. Sorry I am on a soapbox, but this kind of crap makes me sick to my stomach because it reminds me too much of myself and the way I was when I was drinking and all the lives I destroyed and will have to live with fact for the rest of my life. Take care of yourself. BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 09:45:16 AM
Your husband doesn't "want" to be the way he is but the untreated alcoholism makes him that way.
You said it yourself .. 4 yrs in AA and it was magic.
You also see that if he wanders away from AA that the magic goes away too.
I heard it well described the other day by Herb Kaighan in an on-line video about "consequences"
1) Work the Steps and The Promises come true.
2) Don't work the Steps and we go back where we came from ... and then get worse.
The true mission of The 12 Steps is not to quit drinking (which is only a symptom) but to have a "Spiritual Awakening".
It sounds like your husband quit just before that happened.
It happens to many of us at 3-5 yrs. That is why a good sponsor is so important.
Don't believe his bull $hit (he only believes it half the time himself) but if you are going to try to get your life with him back then tell him in no uncertain terms that commitment to AA is a must. Al-Anon would do you a lot of good too.
BTY, thank you for your perspective. I think I was not clear regarding what his father said- he did not mean to deal with his BS but rather that I have to accept that he is not well right now and treat him as such- not take anything he says to heart. I was sucked into the whole focus being on "our marriage" and "his feelings toward me" when the problem is his drinking- that is why he is "feeling numb" and "rationalizes" and is unable to show "love". I was crying and trying to talk some sense into him- "What are you talking about? We didn't have any problems.. you just withdrew from me" and I was so confused. Then after he left and got another DUI and I read the police report- I had an awakening! That he was truly messed up and the reason he has been feeling depressed, anxious, numb is due to his inner battle and the balancing act with alcohol. He has a good job (in education!) that he worked so hard to get and now he is suspended until this DUI is resolved. So he is away from his family, he might loose his job and he is still blind. His family does not recognize them, saying that he also detached. In order for me to be strong, I have to break the effects of manipulative thinking- He is lying to himself and everyone else, and chose to leave so he can drink but see us when he wants to. I am disgusted that he would use this as an excuse instead of pointing fingers at himself. I do not recognize my husband. After second DUI he was remorseful and very loving, but since he started drinking again- he slowly detached and now blamed our marriage.
Thank you! I tried to reach him but what he did was removed himself from our family. He is not asking for a divorce but said he isn't coming back. Yet, he wants to visit often and sends text messages "How are you guys?" etc. referring to my daughter and I. That is why I am confused by this insanity and I try to internalize that it's not what he says- it's not about his feelings toward me- but alcohol (period.)
It's my understanding that an active alcoholic is really no different from any other insane person who didn't ask to be insane. When my Aunt had schizophrenic episodes - we just understood this as a mental disorder/disease and hoped she got better with her therapy and doctors care.
Here in AA - our medicine is the 12 steps and working/living the spiritual program is our 'therapy'.
For my aunt - her mental disorder has been a life long battle starting in her 20's and she is now 70. She has had a lot of good years... but for some reason, every so often, she thinks she's 'all better' and stops following her doctors orders and then gets crazy again. We in AA who also have a mental disorder listed in the medical association seem to have this same issue. Some of us... sometimes... seem to think we're all better and go off our 'program'. Some die when they do that. My aunt ran through the streets naked and almost got hit by a car. I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me I ran through the streets naked and almost got hit by a car actually... this is a real disease that no one would ever really ask for.
My Uncle has never left her side - he seems to inherently know the true person she is under the disease and loves her as is as best he can. He gets support from his church and she does too. Where I grew up, there's not really 12 step meetings, but they reach out and find the support they need to live life to the fullest despite their problems. I wish there was more 12 step groups up in the boonies here in Northern WI... some day I'm sure there will be. It really is an amazing program for everyone affected by this disease. It is really inspiring to me. My uncle sings in a band and she loves to watch him... they seem to keep themselves happy and overall stay responsible for it. I hope you will do the same for you... you deserve that, and so does your husband.
-- Edited by Tasha on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 11:27:05 AM
I am trying to get out for a meeting. It's tough because I have no family here- and I need to make sure my daughter is cared for. I really need it--- he is coming today for a visit and when he comes, he acts if life is good and we are best buddies.. and I am hurting inside and I can not be happy around him right now and "pretend"... It is insane. I am married to him, he has left and he drinks.
