Well, I went to the prison tonight for the AA meeting. I have prayed everyday since I was first asked to be the speaker for the meeting there. I asked my Higher Power, who is God to me, to take away any nervousness I may feel, to get it through my (sometimes thick) head that it is not about me. I told myself not to ask the member who asked me and who went with me too many questions and to wait until we were on our way there before I asked the only one I had. Surprisingly to me, I have not been all that nervous. I would pray, as well as tell myself that it was not happening "today" and not to worry about it. I think Phil posted something about not worrying about the past and the future a short while back. Well, we pulled into the parking space and I asked her how long I would be speaking. Most all the meetings I have been to the speakers would have 15-20 minutes. I was shocked when she said an hour. I know my expression gave me away and she said that I didn't have to speak that long and to do what I felt comfortable doing. Well, we get in there and it so happened that we had a group of NA people as well attend our meeting, because the person who was supposed to come to their meeting didn't show. So I told my AA friend "great, our attendance just doubled." (Not very nice of me, but it just flew out of my mouth and I just said it to her and no one else.) We sat down and I told her "Now here comes the nervousness" which really wasn't all that bad, however, I was worried it would turn into a real butterfly-fest and affect my words. So she asked me if I would like to pray. I said that would probably be a good idea and she offered to pray with me, which she did. Afterwards, my little bit of nervousness melted away. I was able to share for the time she gave me and didn't feel nervous one bit. I know if left to myself and my own hyper-sensitive paranoid self-defeating thoughts, I would have been stumbling and stuttering all over the place.

I hope it is a while that I am asked to be the speaker for any meetings. I was glad to do it tonight and I will do it again if asked and I am able to; however, I would rather be on the listening side and hear others' stories. When I got out of her car after she dropped me off, my legs were like rubber and I felt totally exhausted. I feel like I will second guess what I shared when I wake up tomorrow. I hope I don't. I hope that I can just believe in my heart that God was guiding me and letting me share what would be most helpful to others. My friend got me a pass to attend tonight. To do future meetings, I have to take an orientation class and I think I have to go through a clearance check. I am going to take the orientation class, and God willing, I will be able to help with meetings there in the future. Those women were extremely appreciative of us coming there and bringing an AA meeting to them. I only wish I hadn't talked so long so I could hear their stories and I look forward to hopefully hearing them share.

BTY