"Those who piss us off the most are our greatest teachers."
In the old days (before recovery), a lot of people, places and things really pissed me off. To start with, I resented my family for always trying to tell me what to do (thinly veiled as, "We're just trying to help you."). Schools, jobs, or any other institution that tried to dictate my behavior also pissed me off. I guess you could say I was pretty angry before I got sober.
When I entered the rooms there were a whole new set of rules to follow (thinly veiled as suggestions), and I transferred my rebellion and resentment to them. After 90 days I was still pretty angry when my sponsor told me something I didn't get at first, but which is a principle I now live by. He told me that whenever someone or something made me upset, it was always because there was something spiritually unbalanced in me.
What I've come to understand today is that whenever I get pissed off, resentful or upset in anyway, I can almost always trace it back to self-centered fear. I'm either afraid I'm going to lose something I have or not get something I think I deserve. When I'm spiritually centered, however, and close to my Higher Power, I realize I already have everything I need and that essential completeness can never be taken away.
Today when someone pisses me off I realize they are just teachers, and I begin looking within for the lesson.
Please Pass it On!
Copyright @ 2014 Michael Z
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
RIGHT! I really don't think that apologizing for what can be someone's growth opportunity is necessary - in fact - I think it's selfish and harmful. If someone tries to come and swoop in and make everything all better for me, I never learn how to forgive for me - so I may once again become useful to God no matter what they other person does or doesn't do, trust that God has me where he needs me and never let anyone hold me captive over human mistakes, it's no way to live.
If my whole life is about hanging on for someone to amend something to me or apologize, instead of taking charge of my now - using the spiritual principles of this program and the traditions - placing principles above personalities with everyone - going where the love is, and walking toward the light of the spirit... I might as well Drink! And for me... that's just dying. Either way - I'm just dying inside... I'm not really living - or living with God.
When my ex boyfriend shot his head off and made sure I would find him... I wanted someone, something ANYTHING to apologize. I was just so devastated! I felt I deserved something... and I couldn't move on. It gave me an easy excuse to drink: Life was unfair to me. Only in coming to this program did I realize I had to be able to forgive wether there was ever an amend or not. This man set out to seriously harm me when he found out he couldn't kill ME - he made sure I would be traumatized with finding the body. But was I supposed to blame him forever? Wait for an apology or an amend? I was... I really was.... bottle in hand to nurse me through - until the universe up heaved him from the grave to say sorry???
The thing is - until I took responsibility for me, and found the unconditional love of God using the 12 steps that lead to my spiritual awakening... I was just going to drown in my pity. Today, I pray for those that I have harmed - I pray that Gods will be done - not mine.
I use step 10 to make things in my now about love - not about blame and shame. Who can put shame on another sick person - another person who certainly didn't ask to grow up to be sick, crazy, mean (suicidal) etc. When I did the things I did due to my disease... I certainly didn't ask for a crazy f'd up brain - a brain that was epigentically predisposed to becomming obsessed with alcohol, and then practically useless once it had it. I wasn't hoping and dreaming to grow up to be a lunatic who's brain was overrun with obsession the moment alcohol surged through my veins!!! I am a victim of a disease - but I do NOT have to act like a victim TODAY thanks to this program!
Today - I treat myself like a sick friend for my past, right along with those who have harmed me. I set right things that do not steal an opportunity for someone else to seek God in their present spiritual condition. God doesn't want me living life waiting for an apology from someone who is dead... someone sick, conditioned to be that way through generations of dysfunction. He didn't ask for this. Neither did I. I take care of my now, and I am responsible for myself only so as to not steal someone else's usefulness to God - today - through the use of the 12 steps and seeking Gods will for my life. That is a real gift... and it's in part due to the fact that no one could come in and 'make it all better' for me - I had to seek spiritual help and the love and forgiveness of God only... for wasting the time I did in resentment... for stealing precious moments of the life I was given (gifted from Him) in pity and grudge - when I could have been living to do his bidding. I forgive me for that. I did the best I knew how... it was not the best I could have done though was it? There is a difference for me. Today - I seek to do the best I know how, and the best I can. It will never be perfect - I will always be human, but for what I can not humanly do - there is always the Higher Power to handle the rest.
I think I have stopped expecting others to apologize to me. There are a couple of people in my family who I have never heard an apology from and for things which I always felt they should have apologized for (I was taking their inventory, I know, however that is before I got into AA and worked the steps.). This caused me to hold resentments for years because I felt they hurt me. Now, I am concerned more with my own actions and thoughts. I feel it is only necessary for me to watch out for my own behavior. What other people say and do to me --well, I have to try and ask myself if I did anything at all in the matter other than just breathing around that person. If I did...I have to make amends for it. I don't want to wonder for years why I was treated as I was. I don't want to have a resentment for years like I did.
Then there are those who no matter how hard I try, seem to derive pleasure out of setting me straight. Sometimes that is not all bad and if I am out of line and it will help me be a better person and God is taking a smoke break, and they want to play God, I am ok with it as it still is not going to have that big an affect on me and may help them release some kind of toxic fumes from their mouth.
