I had tried AA four times before this last time. Guess I wasn't ready or "hadn't had enough". One thing which kept me from getting right back into a meeting after I would relapse was feeling embarrassed and ashamed of what others would think of me. I was worried about appearing to be a failure, weak, unmotivated--not serious enough. This last time when I came back I realized that I could not worry what others thought of me. After a few months, I would see some people come and go. I was concerned when I didn't see people who had been coming to the meetings on a regular basis just stop coming. I always hoped (and hope) that they have found other meetings to go to and that they are still sober. Some of them do come back and pick up another white chip. I have never thought anything bad about these people. (And shame on me if I would have). I am always overjoyed to see them come back to the meetings and admire them for coming back so soon after they relapse, when I let my silly fears prevent me from doing the same.
Thanks for this posting, BTY. I wish that every new person everywhere could read your words. It doesn't matter how many times we have to come back and try again. All that does matter is that we keep coming back, and keep trying again. Nobody ever looks down on those who have had relapses. All we ever want to do is offer help. That's the love and compassion in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. We've all been there ourselves.
