I still am working on this one but I feel I am so much better....
I never used to feel normal and liked. This is probably the biggest reason I wanted to drink--to feel like I was okay. For years....since I was a kid it was "all about moi". Everybody was looking at me, talking about me. Where did this come from? Was it because I wasn't made to feel loved and accepted growing up? So I blamed my parents for years. Was it just a "glitch" in my brain that was going to happen anyway no matter what my environment was when I was younger? And what made me sacrifice my own beliefs, thoughts, wants and needs to please others and be a "yes" person and agree with things I disagreed with and have a huge fear of standing up for myself? And why on earth did I feel like I had to drink to get enough courage to express my true feelings when they were inside me all along, dying to get out and be heard?
It is strange to me that although I have been so insecure and afraid of people not liking me that I had/have any issue(s) with "ego". I am beginning to understand how it works, though. The longer I am sober and working the AA program, the more I am realizing it isn't all about me and it is by me being capable of caring about others and actually wanting to help them that I feel I am starting to get it. I used to think that I was being so considerate and loving all throughout my life when I was being so agreeable. It was like I thought I was doing someone else a favor for being so accommodating and so doormatty at times. And people did seem to like me--I had them coming up to me asking for favors because so many of them knew that "no" wasn't part of my vocabulary. (Unfortunately, that happened when I was dating and I found it hard to say "no" to boys, for fear they would drop me...my "first love" actually did drop me because I said "no" to him.) I am realizing that it wasn't helping anyone--not even myself...especially not myself. It was all about "me" and wanting people to like me. So "yes, yes, yes" became my motto.
Since being sober and working the program, I don't blame my parents. I don't wonder why I was that head-nodding, people pleaser, "I'll do it" kinda gal even if I didn't want to do it and alot of times winded up not doing it (quitting things, not following through on commitments) or doing it and feeling worse about myself for not having the man parts to say "no". I just take one day at a time, try not to worry and dwell on what I was. Also, I don't need to point fingers at anyone else to blame because the fingers are attached to me and I don't need to look any further than that. I am learning who I am today and who I am supposed to be. I am grateful for all the blessings I have such as being a recovering alcoholic and having the desire to please God. As long as I don't pick up a drink and think this way each and every day, I know that things will fall into place and I no longer have to search anymore for others' approval of me to know I am an ok person.
:love:
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 08:18:39 AM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 29th of April 2014 08:38:50 AM
Great reflection BTY! That was me all the way. It was so damn important to have others approval and validation. I learned I did have love for myself and sought it through others. Never getting enough to fill the inner hole. I also learned that inner hole is filled with God upon completion of the 12 Steps and the maintanence of my spiritual condition. It all has to due with the EGO. The false sense of self- the identity that my EGO tells me who and what I am, but I am not. The voices in your head that don't stop talking, judging and commenting on everything that happens. The working of The Program deflate our EGO to a manageable level. Tasha wrote a nice piece on this yesterday- under Pappy's post. Take a look- good stuff.
This is real soul-searching spiritual growth! Very impressive! The Steps really do change our perspective on everything....especially ourselves, don't they?
Deflating my ego gets me to my right size. It keeps me humble. It opens up my heart to have a constant thought of others. Filling the void with God takes time. I can also identify with the voices or mind chatter that sometimes goes on In my head. That's when have to pause and ask God for help. God is in the pause.
Ron
Mike B., I did see her post and that may have made me think of this one. She is awesome!
Yes, Mike D., the steps really have made a difference in my life. Who woulda thunk???? Not me until I did them, that's for sure. I was hearing in the meetings and on here as well as reading how big a difference they made in others' lives and I don't think I really believed it until I did them myself. It's amazing!
Enigma wrote.... "Deflating my ego gets me to my right size. It keeps me humble. It opens up my heart to have a constant thought of others. Filling the void with God takes time. I can also identify with the voices or mind chatter that sometimes goes on In my head. That's when have to pause and ask God for help. God is in the pause. Ron"
That's quite a bit of "sober brilliance" going on there, Ron. BTY
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