Well tried to get out of my head. Went to the beach and gather sea glass, worked out, went to two meetings, talked to about 7 people from my home group, and called my sponser. Sponser says I'm going to be up and down for a while but this to shall pass. Try to take my mind off it pray to God to remove that obsession. I asked God to take away all my anxiety and fear. Also the courage to be fearless. Damn emotions can suck and I have to be patient. I'm just gonna continue sharing to get it all out. This is no longer my problem it's Gods problem now. Going to bed to get plenty of rest. I do know I would not have been able to face this situation in my life if I was drinking. Sobering thought.
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Also it is not my fault. I did everything I could at the time. If nothing changes nothing changes. Can't lead a horse to water and force it to drink. I can only control and change myself. :(
Getting through the day, sober, with no regrets about our own actions and without doing anything based in our self-will that we need to make amends for, means EVERYTHING.
Sure, the days when everything is going great are wonderful, but THESE are the days that, looking back, give us the proof and the reassurance that we can stay sober no matter what, and that we are really recovering from alcoholism. Thanks for posting about this.
Some things are not repairable ... and there is no blame to pinpoint on someone either ... 'it is what it is' ... We do what we know to be the right thing and we go on ... and the biggie here is that as long as we are sober, then there is HOPE for tomorrow ... if we return to drink'n, then there is NO hope ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Careful when you say "not my fault." That absolves you of growth and an appropriate self-inventory. We all have our own roles to play in our relationships. It's more useful to see it as just being incompatible at this time. I'm quite sure you were different people when you got together. If it's anything like my past relationship, we both got VERY sick in different ways while I was getting worse with my drinking. What kind of person would put up with that for years and years? A sick one. So when I started getting better, they were still sick and wanted the old me to come back so they didn't have to get well. It was messed up. The other person was sick, and I was sick too. You could say "I tried everything. You can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink." That could have been a mistake right there. Who knows? Maybe you needed to try less things. Sounds like she was freaked out and rejecting of all your efforts to try and fix things. In a healthy relationship you don't have to lead anyone anywhere or try to make them do anything.
So...you did the best with what you had and what you knew at the time. It was not meant to be. Not God's will for you to stay together. That part is not your fault. Our mistakes and "faults" are usually what we do along the way while struggling willfully to not accept God's will for us. Life can be so tricky sometimes because I know you would be inclined to think God would not want you to divorce your wife and the mother of your kids. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but it sounds like it was a tumultuous turned toxic relationship and you are about to open yourself up to much greater serenity and health. You can do all this while owning your part. It's okay, we are all on this journey with you. Pretty much all of us have been relationship retarded through our drinking and then fumbling around figuring things out in the first several years after. It is painful growth but the kind that sets you free.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thx Pinkchip. It did turn toxic who knows why this disease affects so many around us in different ways and I'm not the only one spiritually sick. Just sad it turned out this way. But I can't live like that anymore I deserve to be happy and have someone be with me someday cause they want to not because they have to out of some twisted survival mode. I don't think there's much fear of me anymore she stands up to me now, good for her. She has Definately no trust at all with any family or me though. A Complete stranger has more trust which is sad. The people I don't know I'm always cautious and trust the least till proven otherwise. Yes I know my part and it takes two to tango and I got sick of being blamed for everything that I was the only problem in the house not anyone else. That's not reality. Two sickies don't make a wellie. The wreckage of the past still haunts even though the wind stopped blowing. I'm not the one who got myself into "a pickle and found true love". But I can see my part on why she was driven there and I own up to it. I may have had a temper since getting sober based on facts and frustration but have never never layed a hand on her get and never will. For the record I was no where near that hotel door or was going to knock on it for fear of what might happen if I did see some other man. I didn't want confrontation. Smart decision on my part for everyone involved. I do know us being seperated right now is for the better. Say it again can't live like that no more. I just have to let it go and live and let live. People have a right to make there own choices even if they are unhealthy and live with the consequences. I know there was still some fear in me leaving of possibly missing miracle before it happened and the kids. Just wanted to do the right thing. I was in a lot of denial about the situation. I'm not any of those anymore. I need to stop QTIP it's a sickness. I'm gonna PM you with my cell. I would appreciate if you would text me I need all the support from people who have been through this.
Thx
Ron
Good for you getting out into nature and breathing in fresh air to clear your head and praying and going to meetings to cleanse your mind.
Great advice has already been given for people who have been in the program longer than me, and know what they are talking about.
