When I was in high school, Jay was my best friend. We were inseparable. Neither of us drank or did drugs, but instead spent most of our free time watching movies, walking up to the center of our town to eat, or just talking about life. In fact, one night a group of our friends decided that they were going to crack into a mom's liquor cabinet and try drinking Captain Morgan. Wanting to be better than that, we left the group and went to my place to catch a favorite scary movie, which we had already seen probably dozens of times. 

Unfortunately, Jay and I discovered alcohol at the same time in our lives. We both started drinking our first year of college and bonded over the experience. During summers and visits home, we would get together, get drunk, and have what felt like the time of our lives. We would sing and laugh, and talk about how we couldn't imagine a time in our lives without booze. Drinking felt like liberation and we were both in the same psychological head space to get wrapped up in its web of illusion. Eventually, we got to the point where we stopped being sober together at all.

Fast forward 12 or so years and we mostly went our separate ways. We have remained friends via Facebook and have had occasional awkward catch-up conversations, but nothing substantive. I am now also painfully aware of the fact that while I am in recovery, Jay's life appears to be absolutely consumed by alcohol. Based on the conversations we have had and the pictures he posts on Facebook, I have gleaned that he has gotten into trouble numerous times for alcohol-related offenses and that his only celebratory moments are those doused in booze.

When he and I have talked, he has shared with me that the majority of his close relationships have crumbled, that he has become bitter, and that he jumps around from job to job and relationship to relationship. There is potent anger and sadness in his voice, and at times he has said such horrible things about mutual high school friends that it legitimately surprises me. Where Jay used to be a thoughtful, humble person with an enviable sense of humor, now whenever I talk to him I feel like he has been twisted into a scowling, hateful version of his old self. And as an alcoholic, I understand why.

I have spent many a morning fantasizing about calling him up and asking him if he wants to get sober with me. Part of me thinks that if anyone could appeal to his better nature, it is someone with the type of close relationship and life experience we have shared. At the same time, I also know that an alcoholic will often fight tooth and nail to hang on to their disease until they are ready to seek help and let it go. I think, more than anything, I get sad thinking about him because I feel like I know the disease that has dragged him down so low.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? I'm sure for many of us who are in recovery, we watch our old drinking friends continue with the painful habits. I just don't have thoughts on what (if anything) we can do about it.

-A