Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we're responsible for theirs.
It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting us to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves - for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today, I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
-Melody Beattie
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
This was a big eye opening thing for me when I started recovering.
Particularly for my children. I was still spoon feeding my son until he was very capable of doing it for himself. I didn't want him to get messy - so I just did it. I didn't see the harm in it at all. I figured I was helping - loving him...
If fact, by being selfish (wanting things clean so I wouldn't have to face my fears of looking at my perfectionism) I was not allowing him the skills required to learn to have good control of a spoon, proper small muscle abilities, a good developed pincer grasp etc. I was actually robbing him of his independence, his development and the joy of living that comes with developing and growing into a confident capable person.
As a person who wanted stuff done for me more (playing victim) I could not imagine anything other than people wanting me to do stuff for them. This was how I taught my son codependency and harmed him. I not only taught him this symptom of dysfunction, but I actually stole progress from his life. To this day - he does not have the fine motor skills that a normal 7 yr old boy would have. While part of that might have been just the way he was going to be - part of it was clearly my fault. I didn't know any better, but in my step work, I left that aside. When I got to my amends - I vowed to learn more about codependency and release those dysfunctions so that I would not further hinder or harm the people I love in my care - my children or anyone else who might end up in my care for various reasons.
I am simple minded. I needed to make this living amend simple. First I needed to fully understand to what degree I had been infected with codependency in my growing up years (my mother was a flaming coda and taught me well) and then I needed to live differently seeking progress not perfection. My simple rule of thumb was this: Do not do for someone, what they could do for themselves. They deserve to live their life. I envision a stop sign in my mind now. It has served my children well - and I feel happy with my amends, and confident in my parenting as a result.
Of course I am always doing the best I know how - I have forgiven myself for mistakes past. I know to be most useful to the God of my understanding - I must go through this process of looking at my part in things and doing what I can to be a reflection of my loving God.
I still make sandwiches for my husbands lunch once and a while - of course - he can do this for himself. Just because one of my character defects was codependency, doesn't mean I can't be nice and do stuff for people ever again. I can and do. I can tell the difference easily between what will be detrimental to someone, and what will be just a nice gesture - if I bounce these things off my sponsor periodically - talk about it - think like someone other than me once and a while - and continue the never ending process of spiritual growth.
luv you guys xoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoo
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Very insightful and soul-searching! You taught me some things I wasn't aware of. Although I will have to say that I grew up in a very fend-for-yourself-family, I probably have done a few too many things for my own kids that they could've most likely done for themselves. Good posts. I like them. Blessings, Mike D.
I think it's all about 'balance' ... ... ... of course there are things I do for others that they could do for themselves, but it's done out of love ... as long as I don't 'overdo' it, I'm good to go ... you made a good point Tasha that we shouldn't get in a commitment where we are doing everything for someone at the neglect of doing for ourselves ... another good post ... (I think this comes under the heading of setting boundaries too ...)
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I also learn there is a difference between care taking and caregiving.
The word take is key.
What am I getting from "helping" others?
This has been a very difficult painful lesson for me to learn.
Today I take responsibility for all the times I wanted to be a hero at the expense of others.
Nice share Makingwaves.... welcome!