Instead of the Sober quotation I do everyday, and so the board won't be too filled up with "BTY" (my) postings, I have decided to post this "burning desire" I have to share this instead. I hope it helps someone thinking about attending AA meetings and helps alleviate any fear(s) you may have. If one of you seasoned "oldtimers" has anything to add, please do so.
I have heard so many people share in AA meetings as well as on this board that they had a fear of attending their first AA meeting. I have been in and out of the rooms four times over the years. I never made it past 21 days in the past because I had not "had enough" and was not serious about quitting those times. This time is a keeper as long as I stay focused on staying sober. These are just a few of the things which helped me open the doors to AA without letting my fears prevent me from doing so and especially this last time, as I was as fearful as if it were my very first time....
Don't go drunk. I never have been to an AA meeting drunk. I have been to one feeling hung over however it had been several hours since I had my last drink each time. I was weak, but not staggering. I was clear headed enough to listen which would have been impossible for me to do had I had several drinks right before I went. Also, out of respect for other members in the rooms trying to stay sober themselves, it is not a good idea to go in a drunken mess.
I didn't worry about what I was wearing. Hair, makeup, matching clothing. All that was not important. The main thing is that I just got into a meeting. I went with holes in the bottom of one of my shoes, my hair was dirty and I don't even remember if I brushed it before I went. My pants were so long and had strings hanging off the bottom edges. I had not bathed in several days. I think and hope I wore deodorant, I just don't remember, and oh well, if not. I do now.
I tried not to worry that I would see someone who had been at a meeting I had attended in the past and what they thought of me for not continuing meetings and not staying sober. The past was gone. I couldn't use that as an excuse anymore for not going back to AA as it had done before because I did let that foolish pride prevent me from going back into the rooms. My pride in myself was a shambles anyway.
I tried not to worry how terrible I looked. I was a mess. My eyes were glazed over and sunken in. All the drinking added years to my life and I looked sick.
I didn't use feeling sick as an excuse to keep me from going to AA. I felt like cra*. The last thing I "felt" like doing was going somewhere, anywhere, and being around a bunch of people. I had isolated myself so long from other people. Even going to the grocery store and being around others was extremely difficult. It was remarkable to me that I was able to go into the nearby 7-11, ABC store, CVS and a gas station whenever I wanted to get alcohol. So I could certainly go to a meeting.
I tried not to worry about people talking about me. This is one of the hardest things I had to overcome. As I have always worried about this throughout my life and it was so much more so this last time. My drinking was so excessive and I was ultra-sensitive and had increased paranoia. Someone could look in my direction and be talking to someone else. I was sure they were looking --staring at me--and talking about me. I had to tell myself that even if my fears were correct--so what? I had to tune all of that baloney out and not let my mind convince me that it was a reason not to go back into the rooms.
It is ok to cry. My very first AA meeting I cried like a baby almost all the way through a meeting. The release of tears and displaying that emotion is perfectly normal and no one is going to judge me for it.
It is ok to go and not say a word. The beginning of the meeting the Chair or secretary will usually ask if there are any newcomers. It is a way that others know who is new rather than who is visiting and so that others can welcome you. You do not have to introduce yourself if you don't want to. Maybe you will want to next time. There are no rules in AA. Do what makes you feel comfortable and especially at your first AA meeting. It is good to be able to have numbers of other AA members if you need someone to talk to, however. We help each other stay sober and the numbers in the little AA When and Where books can be life-saving in the event you want to drink again. So, if someone comes up to you and doesn't mention it, it would be good to ask for one of these and ask for the person's number. It is good to get same sex names and numbers of members.
You don't have to believe in God. Don't worry about that. You will hear the "G" word, the "Higher Power" words. Just go with an open mind and open ears and try not to over think things too much, especially at your first meeting.
Keep going back. One or two meetings is not going to keep you sober. It is suggested that a newcomer attend 90 meetings in 90 days. If you are able to do this, that is great. If your schedule or limited meetings in your area prevent you from doing this--don't give up and pick up a drink! There are other resources available to you to help you, such as calling another member, coming to this board, which in my opinion, is like additional meetings. There are lots of folks on here which have helped me stay sober during all hours of the day and night. They will help you too!
Take it "One Day at a Time". Don't overwhelm yourself thinking too much into the future. Focus on staying sober just for today. Then deal with tomorrow tomorrow. I didn't think I could get through one whole day without drinking and alot of alcoholics in recovery thought the same thing too. It is possible! You can do it! And you don't have to feel despair, helpless or hopeless anymore. You don't have to feel alone either. You are not alone and by giving AA a chance you can discover a new life free of alcohol!
BTY
Another link you may like (Hey, it has cartoons, too, which I love!)
The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear. . . .
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 76
When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This "evil and corroding thread" is the root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of others' opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of A A. in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, and then I ask God to relieve me of that fear. This method works for me without fail and is one of the great miracles of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.
. . . AND LETTING GO OF IT
. . . primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 76
Peace is possible for me only when I let go of expectations. When I'm trapped in thoughts about what I want and what should be coming to me, I'm in a state of fear or anxious anticipation and this is not conducive to emotional sobriety. I must surrender over and over to the reality of my dependence on God, for then I find peace, gratitude and spiritual security.
This is a perfect primer for any person who is hesitating to walk through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. I wish every newcomer could read it. Very encouraging! Good job, BTY!
